Firestorm

I'm posting under another name - not to hide anything as such, but more that I can hopefully be honest and open with this post. So I make no apology for this.

In short, my girlfriend suffered a late miscarriage and I just cant seem to get myself back to a level playing field (if you follow me). We already have a lovely little girl of 13 months and we were really looking forward to having another child. We we did the pregnancy test and found it was positive we were really happy - I was actually happy, as opposed to my usual 'negative-whoa is me-self' I do all day, everyday. I actually allowed myself to picture the future - to dream, I could see 2 children, I was thinking it was a boy - he had a name, we moved house, traded in the car for a 'family car' for 2 in the back and 2 buggys - you get the picture..... I allowed myself to look forward to the future. I'm a 'half empty' type of person, and this situation actually make me change to the 'half full'... for a while anyway.

Well, the horrible truth unfolded over the course of a week and my girl had to go in for a procedure and carry out preparations. I say on the face of its shes coped remarkably well, considering how screwed about her hormones have been lately - the fact something in her body is no longer there. She makes me proud with how shes coping. However, I feel like I'm constantly putting on a brave smiley face, trying to help out by doing things around the house, errands, - acting as normally as I can. But everyday I'm just getting more and more tired and drained of energy. I feel guilty for helping causing her this pain - and more guilt because I'm repressing my feelings of it all and I can feel it beginning to now affect me in my thoughts and actions. I've started to have these horrid visions about the little one she had and its making me feel worse. I'm worried because I used to think I was strong emotionally, but it seems I'm lying to myself with one - or atleast, maybe I've never had a situation as strong as this one to test me. And I'm failing for sure. I feel gutted, just totally gutted.

I think i just want to ask has anyone else experienced this? You know, I'm even not sure why I want to write this on an open forum like SN, but I just have to. Maybe a cleansing exercise, or my last journal entry to depression-ville. Who knows?

Apologies to anyone reading this and not appreciating the emotion of the situation - hard if you havent experienced it (and I hope you never do).

I ask if you post, pleasure dont make fun/light of the situation - I will definitely never be back on here if you do.

Fuzz

Why the need for a "brave face" ?
once inside you home and with your GF beside you, a greif shared is a greif halved and all that.
Just let it go, you'll feel a lot better and i really dont think your GF will think any less of you because of it.


Andy

Tiggs

prob be far better telling this to her. (in a positive sense...not meaning wrong to post)

bootsy

sorry to your bad news and what your going through. dont really know what to post on this to help you in anyway. so i'll just tell you what happened to me and my wife.
2years ago my wife fell pregnant and about 2 month on she was very ill with what we thorght was really bad morning sickness.she was off work for ages .so when she went for a scan we a big shock.she was pregnant with twins but we had lost one at 8 weeks. the other was heathy but small and end up being born heathy with no other problems.
in that week we found out i dont think it sank in for a few days because we still had baby on the way. but we done alot of thinking and talking between us to put it behind us.
sorry if this does'nt help you in any

gingerboy

Hi their mate.

My wife and I have been through the same experience. Did the test and came back positive , went on holiday to cornwall - wife was 14 weeks pregenant and all seemed well until she started spotting. Went for a scan and our worst fears were confirmed, she had lost the baby.

The whole experience was made worse due to the fact my wife is a vascular technologist and uses ultra soundmachines in her job and had been able to scan herself and bring pics home - which at 12 weeks show a baby as we know it although very small with a body, hands, arms, legs etc.

I am sure you will appreciate that this only made matters worse as we had seen our baby and for all intense purposes we had done the same as you - started planning, takling about when the new arrival would be born etc.

Well following after the scan and bad news we began to drive back to our rented cottage in near silence, our in-laws were close by looking after our daughter of 18 months in their caravan so we decided to go and see them. When we got their we both broke down in tears, like most men I rarely show my emotions which isn't always a good thing as you have already mentioned.

We cut our holiday short and travelled home to South Wales and my wife had a further scan and D&C some 3 days later - she coped pretty well but I knew on the inside she was putting a brave face on things. We had a real heart to heart about the whole thing discussing our feelings etc etc. Again their were several occasions when we both would have a good cry etc which did seem to help to some degree but ultimately ensuring that you both understand how each other feel is far more constructive and useful.

I can't give you any hard fast advice as too what will get you and your wife through the otherside any quicker I'm afraid you have to deal with it in your own way. The only thing I would say is be open and honest with each other and maybe discuss it with either a parent or very close friend who you trust implicitly.

I know that it took a couple of months before I was back to 100% and the wife took a little longer.

However 4 months later she was pregenant again and said child was born on the 19th May 2005 so she will be 1 in a few weeks time . Furthermore we have No3 on the way, due in July and this time it's a little boy . Little blighter caused me to part with my TSL333 - but hey in the greater scheme of things a car is a car and one day hopefully I will have another scoob, what is more important is that my family are well cared and provided for and more important than that is that they are happy and healthy .

I do appreciate that you are going through a really difficult time, the old saying "time is a great healer" is very true (although at the time I didn't believe it) and I don't doubt that with time you will start to feel better, look after the family you have now - I don't doubt that you are for one second and don't be afraid to show your feelings to your nearest and dearest.

Don't blame yourself for what has happened or for the pain your other half is going through - it's not your fault and very unlikely that it is your wifes / partners. My wife lost hers because our edest daughter picked up measeles and my wife had never had it before.

Like I have said everybody deals with this type of crisis in different ways, I hope you and your partner are both soon able to get some normality back into your lives.

All the best for the future

Paul

KiwiGTI

It's a horrible experience, but it is natural and for the best. (even though it sounds harsh) It is nobodys fault and not something to beat yourself up over. It is also a very common thing to happen, more than people realise, so you are not alone.

Trout

iTrader: (1)

Firestorm,

You are clearly a man who has recovered his true self and realised his potential for great feelings.

My illusion is that you feel as if there is nothing you can do to change the situation. Maybe there are things that you can do.

Someone I know very well has been trying with his wife to have a baby for seven years. Earlier this year she became pregnant against a lot of odds. A few weeks later he found her on the bathroom floor bleeding out - indeed if he had been an hour later she would have died - she lost the baby and was in intensive care for three days.

This person is usually one of the most positive people you can imagine and yet his world collapsed.

The key reason why it collapsed for him was that he felt helpless to do anything. Events had overtaken him and there was nothing he could do. That included losing the baby, that included the health challenge and grief of his wife.

This clearly played on his mind and then he realised that he was not helpless and there was something he could do. What he realised he could do was to love his wife even more, to be grateful for the opportunity they had had. To start to make choices again. Even small choices can help you really move forward.

He realised his helpless grief was a very lonely thing - especially as he loved his wife so much.

My illusion from what you write is that you can think about what choices you can make to love and support your partner. You can think about the choices you can make to love and support your daughter.

And one final thought - do you think your unborn child would want to see you feeling this unhappy? Or do you think they would want to know that you were grateful for even the small chance they had in life and to celebrate who they were even for their brief time?

Rannoch

2000TLondon

Terribly sorry for your loss, the best thing for you to do is get it out of your system and grief openly and properly. Whether that means you need to speak to a professional or scream into pillows all night. But letting it out is very important and is the first step. And the sooner the better for you and all around you.

NotoriousREV

Having been in a similar situation, I think it's hard as a bloke as you almost feel like you have no right to grieve because it happened to your wife and not to you. Add to this the feeling that you must be strong for your wife's sake and you have a recipe for disaster.

You need to greive properly, stop bottling your emotions up otherwise you'll end up suffering with serious depression and/or a breakdown. Talk to your wife and share your feelings. If you're putting on the happy face, maybe she's wondering why it hasn't upset you?

It's OK to be sad, upset or even angry when things like this happen, but you need to work through the feelings to move on, not suppress them.

Lee247

I am so, so sorry for you. But this stigma of men not grieving is all wrong. You must show how upset you are, after all, it was your child too.
Please don't feel you have to be strong. You don't.
Your g/f will not want you to put a brave face on, she will want to know how upset you are. You must grieve together so the healing process can begin.

dave honey

I'm very very sorry to hear about your grief. I know where you are coming from and how hard it is. me and my missus had the same experience and lost our unborn child on boxing day last year and it is a horrible nightmare for anyone. I to tried to be strong for her sake seeing as she was in a right old state but in the end it all takes it toll and gets the better of you.
Every one said its no ones falt and these things happen for a reason but that doesnt make you feel any better. But it is true.
All I can say it is a **** experience to go through but it does get better.
Talk to people and let the it all out. Holding it all in only makes it harder.
I hope you and your other half feel better soon.

Kuohu

I don't have any experience of this so I don't have any advice I can offer, but I wanted to say that your post is touching and I am sorry for your loss. Together with your partner you will get through this.

Best wishes.

EXSCOOBY

SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
i have a little girl who i would gladly die for (7 months)
she is my world and i cannot imagine life without her, she smiles and i melt!
hope you feel better real soon
all the best

mart360

Had a similar experiance with n02 son, three times

each time they said unlikely to go the distance, but go the distance he did and he,s now 3

without wishing to seem callous or blase, prehaps it wasnt the right time for this little one to put in an apperance...

when the time is right, it will all go smoothly


Mart

Chris L

I can't imagine ever going through something like this (and I hope I never have too). I have however, been through some pretty testing times in the last few weeks (not quite on the same level, but still very intense). The one bit of advice I could give you is talk.

Don't bottle up the feelings -talk to your other half. If necessary, seek professional help and speak to a councillor. Although I haven't had to go that far, talking has been the best thing I could have done and it has certainly helped me cope.

Chris

scoobyangel

the only thing i will say, is DO NOT repress how you feel, let it out and shar it all with your girlfriend, it WILL make you both stronger together if you get through it together...

i lost a baby at 12 weeks.. my (then) husband did the whole brave face thing, said all the "right" things etc etc, but did not share the grief i felt at losing that baby, he never cried infront of me, never spoke of it, never showed any feeling... tho he did everything around the house etc... we seperated 6 months later, not soley due to the loss there were other factors.. but it had a major part in it... i could never mention the baby to him or talk about how i felt to him, just had to (as he said) put on a brave face and get on with it!

talk to your girl... share how you feel.... let her know you love her and loved that baby like nothing else on this earth,,,

trust me.. it gets better, and for all it seems at the moment that life is empty and rubbish, you WILL have another chance... i have a 3 yr old now who is the healthiest happiest chap you could meet...

never give up... never let life defeat you... and never wallow alone... your girl is there for you just as you are for her, share your grief and come through it together, understand that both will have bad and good days and accept that these moods are not "personal" its part of the grief process...

i wish you and your girlfriend all the hope and luck in the world.. never give up... life is always worth living no matter what it throws at us xx

Chrisgr31

I think this is the attitude to take, there was something wrong and it wasn't to be. There will be more opportunities in the future.

But you do need to discuss it with your other half, although its very easy to do, and a lot more difficult to do.

Firestorm

Hello folks,

I want to take the time to thank you all for the thought and effort you put into your responses. Its heartening to me that you should share your personal experiences - from both sides I might add (scoobyangel - thank you). I'm glad to see that no one said anything untoward - I think thats just an SN thing over the years I sort of expect.

I'm probably still in the downward spiral, but I really tried today to let it out in some way. I can tell my girl is worried about me as she keeps saying I need to sleep - been having bad dreams and I'm topping 2 hrs sleep a night if I'm extremely lucky, so shes can see its affecting me. I just say I'm tired, but shes no fool. Even my little girl was stroking my face tonight during her bottle as if to make me sleep. Its all just so exhausting - and on the flip side, I'm not the one who had the trauma of it all. I really am ashamed of myself that I'm like this.

I have made a positive step in that I am going to talk to grief guidance counsellor (sp?) on monday at my work. What I really need to work on is trying to open up for my girl, but its hard when I've been brought up to see this as weakness and sympathy seeking. Yet, its really a huge issue to me now that needs resolution. If something doesnt happen I feel like my heart is going to explode - sorry thats maybe a bit graphic, but you know the feeling you get when its 'fight or flight'?, well thats me all the time right now (hence why I probably cant sleep except when exhaustion sets in).

Thanks again folks. I am going to get through this, one way or another.

take care - M.

GaryCat

We have been through this too. We lost "Little Elvis" at 11 weeks when my wife went for a routine scan and the nurse was unable to find a hearbeat.

Take time to grieve, have a "funeral ceremony" and get your feelings out in the open. Eventually you realise that these things happen for a reason, devastaing though they are. Time is a great healer, and you will move on About a year later my wife gave birth to a healthy boy but we still think of "Little Elvis" now and again.

2000TLondon

Don't feel ashamed, there is no text book reaction to how you get this out of your system, but you know by bottling it up you are making things worse for yourself, and you know your GF / wife and daughter are worrying about you.

Things will seem a lot easier after just half a hour of getting it out mate and you'll certainly feel relieved and able to start dealing with it. Tragedy hits us in many ways, and you shouldn't be worrying about how you may be perceived or how you should handle yourself, you just need to do what you know really is required. A good f c u k ing cry and a good f c u k ing hug mate! The counsellor is a great step, but you don't have to wait until Monday. Get the immediate grief off your chest and out of your system mate. It's not a sign of weakness, just of humanity.

sti-04!!

gingerboy

Hi Firestorm

Sounds like you are starting to take some steps in the right direction. Speaking to your girl is a really positive one and seeing a grief counselor is also a positive move.

Don't be afraid to let your other half know how you feel, ordinarily the oppposite sex are a lot tougher than us blokes give them credit for.

I also was brought up to repress my emotions so know exactly where you are coming from - it wasn't until I met my wife and her family that I knew what a normal family was like, very loving, showing and sharing emotions, problems etc etc.

To put it in perspective my Mum who i love dearly at the time of our loss said and I quote "ah well these things happen" which was probably the worst thing she could have said. Don't get me wrong I know she would do anything for me but she does not show her emotions very often, in fact I have never seen her cry and was brought up to keep a stiff upper lip, stick up for myself both vocally and physically if necessary.

It's tough to break the habit of a life time, as children we obviously take "normal" as whatever we are taught and if your parents are the opposite end of tactile and touchy feely we as adults will grow up to be similair or the exact opposite.

From what you have said you do guard your emotions for the sake of your partner / girl, but I am sure you will feel a lot better once your feelings are known to her and you are able as a couple to work through this difficult time.

It sounds like you have a loving partner and a daughter who loves you to bits and that both are concerned about you, I truly hope for yours and their sake you are able to share your feelings, get help where required and start tackling life as a family in the near future. You obviously do think the world of them, otherwise I doubt you would have posted on SN such a personal and sensitive subject.

As for fight or flight - it sounds too me like you are starting to fight so good luck with your demons and I hope you are soon sleeping better thus enabling you to give your family all the love, attention and passion for life you did before.

Good luck and take care

Paul

EVOLUTION

Im really sorry to hear about your loss....

I really do think that its something, like said before that you have to do TOGETHER. This will never be easy for anyone. Whilst this has not happened to me, it has happened to a very close friend of mine. This is something you will never forget, but, grieving is an amotion that we all have to go through at some stage in our lives, this enables us to move on. You will in time be able to deal with this im certain of that, its just a matter of time.

1 of 2 things usualy happen in grieving, you either

A) Neglect your own feelings by thinging of others

or

B), you neglect your partners by thinking of yourself.....


Sounds to me like your going through A, if you realise that, them you can maybe understand that there will be, for want of a better word, a happy medium.


Look forward though, not back,


History is never forgotten, but always built upon





i wish you well

Leslie

I too feel very sorry for you both especially since I can also speak from personal experience. Yes you should not try to repress the grief over it all and you must both come to terms with it together. By the same token you should try to get over it and resume your normal life as the freshness of your loss wears off in time.

It is important that neither of you blames yourself. There is no way that it is your fault in any way. It is part of the trials of life and although it is a truly awful thing to happen you have to accept it and the best thing is to try again. The worse thing is to allow it to send you into depression. Think also how unfair that would be to your partner. You have to fight your way out of those feelings, only you can do that as well.

Remember that a late miscarriage is even worse for the mother and that your partner needs all your support from your strength of character to get over it herself.

I wish you both all the luck.

Les

scoobypreza

so sorry for your loss

Hope talking to the person at work helps.

Have you thought about writing a letter to your gf telling her how you feel?
You might not ever give it to her but it might help you put your thoughts in order.

Best wishes to you during this sad time
take care
cath

Swen6

Really sorry for your situation, i'd love to be able to give you some pearls of wisdom but i'm afraid i can't.

All the best

D.K.1

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, it truly is awful when something like that happens, especially so late on

Fr your sake, as much as your g/f's though, you should try and get some rest if you can, I really hope the councelling goes as well as it can be and you are able to start to re-build your life again.

Just because you're a man doesn't mean you have to be strong and not show your emotions, I'm sure your g/f will understand, although it was her body, the baby was part of both of you and it affects you both. You have the right to be upset too and grieve.

Fingers crossed and good luck for the future.