sulaco

I'm using an alternate username only becuase I'm not 100% sure what my GF can and can't do on the net.

Anyway, we've been together for about 5 years and lived together for 4. I had never really intended to settle down (27) and she doesn't seem the bothered about it (23). We struggle to get on at the best of times and neither of us really trust each otherfor various things.

I can't be trusted becuase something nearly happened between me and one of her friends in 2003 and at every argument it gets brought up. I'm not allowed to go out on my own and everything I do has to be monitored - MSN, email, txt messages etc.

I don't really trust her when it comes to money. More than once shes started things like catalogues etc and got into trouble, tried to hide it and I've eventually found out and had to pay up so as not to risk having any black marks against the house (which is in my name only).

Sounds like we aren't really suited eh? The problem is, we have a 3 year old daughter. I had a choice weather to walk away or make a go of it and my GF didn't really have anyone to help her. I really can't bear to be without my daughter now and I really don't want to have to be doing to weekend end and holiday thing at blinking 3 years old!!!!

Sadly, the facilities locally for single mums are pretty shocking and I'd be so upset if they ended up in these god awful houses the council supply. So, we stick at it becuase its the best chance our daughter has. We try and hide the rows and arguments from her but its not easy.

If we split I'll have to sell the house becuase I can't pay for my house and pay her CSA or whatever agreement we can come to. I wish our daughter could stay in the house as she feels safe there but that would mean just walking away from the house but still paying all the bills which I can;t afford to do. Only thing we could do is just sell the house and I could pay off some of the joint debt and we just split the difference.

What I was hoping is that we could last a little longer becuase my GF wants to become a nurse and I'd feel better that should we ever split at least she had a career that could support them both.

Guess those of you who have reasonably calm personal lives are peeved by all these posts etc but I don't have many places I can discuss these things

the violins can start now please.

Type R

No advice only do what you think is best, go with your gut instinct. Good luck

MattW

so if you're 23, want to be a nurse, been in a relationship for 5 years and lived together for 4, have a 3year old daughter and had trouble with catalogues, this could be your boyfriend!!

sulaco

Having read through my post, I must admit I did wonder why I went to the trouble of making a new username.

steffiraf

Good luck mate, having a few probs myself so i know how you feel.
All will work out for the best eventually i'm sure

fast bloke

Could you not live together as housemates? IE - Split up as b/f and g/f but still be there as Dad and Mum.

steffiraf

Dont think that would work. What if either finds someone else? Rubbing salt in would spring to mind. IMO

Nimbus

Can't offer any advice, but...

mmm... "Sulaco"... obviously an "Aliens" fan, so could be anyone here...

Turbohot

No way it would work! Try councilling.Might help.may lead you one way or the other who knows!


All the best.

Drunken Bungle Whore

How about Relate? You don't have to be married to use them. I know people who gone to them before and found them really helpful.

I appreciate you wanting to stay together for your daughter but trust me - however well you think you're hiding the aruguments, you're not. Maybe at age 3 she won't notice - but given what you've said in your post do you honestly believe you can stay together for the next 15 years? And what would you tell her then?

I really hope that doesn't sound like I'm having a go, because I'm not. I really feel for you. I've had my ups and downs in life (as has everyone) and the best advice I'd give anyone is to be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

Good luck.

talizman

iTrader: (1)

I understand that you both want to bring your daughter up in a stable family environment with both parents present, and this has to be applauded, but, you both have your own lives to live and are both entitled to be happy, even if it means with other people.
It would be unfair for both of you to sacrifice potential happiness (apart), than to stay together for the sake of your daughter, when she will probably begin to sense the unhapiness and tension as she gets older, hence won't really be gaining anything anyway.
Imagine being 40 and your daughter is grown up when you both decide that the time is right to go your seperate ways..... what a waste of the past 15-20 years.

Good luck whatever you do.

Tiggs

sounds quiet sensible....the relationship sounds crap so you need to dump that part. Now either you go your seperate ways or put up with less than ideal living situation in return for the benifits of living with your kid until money allows an alternative.

not great but sounds better than living a lie and showing your kid (who will be 5..6...7 very soon) that mums and dads just fight all day.

T

Neil Smalley

The root of the problem is the trust issue. As mentioned above, go and see a relate counseller and make a go of it. That way should you have no choice but to split up, you can both say "We did our best for us and our daugther" and that fact will help ease the pain you will both feel. If you do work it out(and that is by far the best option) then you'll be stronger as a family and much more able to take the rough stuff bringing up a kid will throw at you both.

2000TLondon

Mainly because you have the responsibilty of your daughter, and you sound a responsible guy, I would also suggest counselling. Nearly all of my girlfriends have ended up having counselling at some point, and not just because they've been going out with me!!!

It can really work and doesn't have to cost a fortune. At least if that doesn't work, you know you gave it your best shot.

super_si

went thru this with the ex, i think once trust had gone. you wont ever ever get it back im affraid to say!

Si

MattW

But WE don't know who you are.

sulaco

Thanks for the responses, I was a bit worried that the NSR goers might be a bit fed up with another relationship issue.

Counselling is one option we could try I guess. I rather think the larger problem is with me. My GF although much younger seems happy that we are to be together forever. Me on the other hand have found that fatherhood (although the best thing in the world) has come much to early than I was hoping and I didn't really intend to settle down now. We weren't together very long before she became pregnant and I thought we could probably make it work.

For the longest time the issue of distrust has worn me down. There was an issue with one of her friends but said friend and I actually acted in an adult manner and agreed to stay away from each other becuase of what could happen. Sadly friend got all dodgy and decided to tell other friends things had gone on. We had a massive row yesterday becuase I'd changed my MSN password only becuase it says to change it regularly and she couldn't check on me. Any txt I receive is greeted with "Whos that?" and as for going out together its a nightmare - leave her sight for a second and I'm up to something. Her self confidence has taken a massive nosedive since our daughter was born and I have tried to build some confidence in her but its a struggle.

Sadly, we are quite different people and operate on completely different levels and have different ideas on how life works. Fortunately we work together very well with our daughter and have the same ethos of how to bring up a child. The future for the relationship doesn't sound great but my biggest concern is for our daughter. If I'm with her I have an element of control over what happens to her and I can keep her safe. If we split they will end up in an awful part of town and the future will be pretty bleak. My only salvation is that she will pass the nurses course and I'll support her through it. Once passed at least she has a career and a future and is able to support our daughter with my help.

I don't mean to sound as though she won't cope becuase people do but they will be in much better position if my GF has a good career.

edit/ Nimbus - not many people I speak to know Sulaco