RobsyUK

iTrader: (2)

Just want to throw it out there and ask what your views are on stay at home dads. Be honest, we are all friends here.

5yrs ago my friend and his wife decided that who ever earned the most money would stay at work while the other looked after the (at the time) child, knowing it would be 2 children.

Now one is in full time school with the 2nd starting next year He knows he will miss being with them all the time but at the same I know he will not miss the stigma or people assuming he's helping mum out or having to change nappies on a male toilet floor as there was no nappy change facilities.

He often says the hardest thing for him is the isolation. Baby and toddler classes are predominantly mums and all of his male friends are working.

5yrs and the work friends have drifted away. One has even grown hate towards him as he sees it that I have everything for free while he has had to take 80% due to covid.


So what's your views, should the mum stay at home no matter what the earnings are?

the shreksta

iTrader: (20)

im not a parent nor will i ever be but i would think it makes sense for the bread winner to be at work regardless of sex

Leggygtb

He has the modern day twitter/facebook disease.

Who cares what others think if it works for you.
People are more worried nowadays about what others think rather than what makes them happy.

Willowsdad

iTrader: (2)

I’d always want to be the bread winner, but I don’t think there should be a stigma about it. Why would you cut your nose off to spite your face just because of what other people think. If your missus earns more money invest some of it in an Xbox and enjoy the extra time with your children. They won’t need you forever.

Puff The Magic Wagon!

iTrader: (2)

I was primary carer (I think is a better term than "stay at home Dad"/Housewife etc) for my daughter when I found myself unemployed for some months and it was great. Circumstances previously dictated that we both needed to work and send sprog to nursery (ie couldn't afford one of us to stay at home). She was then at primary school and I took on the getting up/breakfasting/getting to school etc culminating in bath/bed plus keeping the house going. It wasn't a problem, I enjoyed it and missed it when I got a job again. I'm a reasonably solitary soul (been on my own for last 6/7 weeks) and manage to keep myself busy, so isolation is not a problem. I think at the time I was the only male parent doing the school run but I got to talking to the other mum's and they accepted me and whilst we never did coffee mornings, spent ages yacking in the car park. I also volunteered to do early mornings at the school taking care of kids that had to be dropped off early (with a teacher obv, just needed a ratio) and I think I missed that more than anything when I went back to work. As for changing, I never took my daughter into the mens, always went to the womens and never had any issue.

I never felt or perceived any stigma and in fact I was proud of the fact that I was the one looking after her. If anyone had ever questioned it and if I'd lost a "friend" due to it, then in my opinion, no loss as a friend. I think in this day and age people shouldn't be judgemental and your friend/you should be really happy that they get to see their children grow up as all too soon they're leaving University - time flies, enjoy it.

BMWhere?

I'm all for it! Traditional stigmas about men being breadwinners and women being housewives are just complete bollocks! Whatever works best for the family and anyone who doesn't approve can get to fk!

domino46

iv got no kids but I still play the house husband as I could never earn as much as my mrs can , plus im a far better cook than she will ever be so it makes perfect sense for us to do it this way around ,, plus I also get to stay at home get the house work done and then go out to my garage and play with my cars

we have done this for the last 10 years and its worked great

I do get the odd comment about it and some people do ask silly questions about me being able to afford all my toys and be at home all day (prob wouldn't even question a women),, a lot of the time I just laugh and wink , let them think what they want its more fun lol

andy97

iTrader: (1)

Coming up to the point where I've been home dad longer than working career

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

Social stigmas like this just show how really, a lot pretend to be open minded and worldly end up resorting to stereotypes.

For me it doesn’t bother me....I’ve been in relationships where I was the lesser earner and to be frank if kids did end up on the scene that would have been the case. Thankfully not, plus I’m not the most maternal and grown out the broody phase LOL (thank goodness....means the mortgage is paid off ).

But it kind of groups in with the other stigmas....single parent families, low income families with 3+ kids, child-free couples, same-sex parents etc. What does it matter? So long as you aren’t sucking off the state to pop out children and and the kids are brought up ok. Otherwise we start going down the usual path of pub chat of what’s wrong with society today.

As an aside, myself being in a ‘child-free’ relationship and my partner at the time was under scrutiny for not having children. I explored various social outlets on the subject and found that women who have (or want) children can be pretty horrible to those who choose not to have children. Especially within families (my mum was a nightmare with her sly remarks).

I dare say as not conforming to traditional social conventions you risk being pigeonholed as one of those Lefty Guardian reading Corbynists, practicing fashion veganism and skipping work to go and see Greta make a speech at a extinction rebellion event. As a result potentially being ostracised by your more conformist friends and family. But if your happy with that what does it matter what other think...so long as you aren’t interfering with their own lives.

That said, I do have a friend whose marriage broke down because his wife had an affair with a ‘stay at home dad’ which apparently started when they met at mother at baby/toddler meets. Jeremy Kyle stuff!

WRXrowdy

iTrader: (2)

Do what's right for you not what other people think. Wife and I were in the same situation. Although we have always both worked one of us at any one time have done so part time while the other worked full time. My old job as a courier meant I could never be relied upon to be home at a set time, and my wife's job at a hair salon part time saw her boss work less and less putting the emphasis on my wife to do the majority of running the show.

An opportunity arose for my wife to open her own salon, so rather running one for someone else we both decided having spoken to my boss that I went part time and let my wife start her own business. For the first 18months or so a friend would look after our child until I got home early afternoon, then I would be the 'stay at home dad' for the rest of the day.
After 18months I started taking my son to work with me. Not ideal but it worked well, I had a set route every day (of around 100miles) and my son was able to direct me the correct route by pointing which road to go down when we approached a junction/roundabout, and after a while he was able to reach the gearstick and change gear for me, which added a bit of fun to it and he seemed to enjoy it. Second child came along and repeated the process.

One thing I will say is that I did go through a phase of suffering a little from anxiety as I subconsciously felt I wasn't living up to the traditional 'dad' role.

Forget what the person thinks that is getting 80% (presumably for being furloughed)
As said earlier, my wife owns a business so is in the position of having furloughed staff. Most have been great, one is a pain in the **** and moans about being bored and not getting her full pay. These people are being paid the majority of their wages to sit around do whatever they like, they are paid to go for a walk, to mow their lawn, relax in their bath, have a dump, whatever they like but still choose to moan about it. Fk what they think!

R666ORY+1

I have 2 kids, one now 19 (daughter) and one 11 (son). I spent well over half their lives working away until 12 months ago. My wife wanted to set up a business but did not have the funds or savvy, she did however possess the skills required. I provided the cash and knowledge. It was agreed I would take time off from work to support her and the kids whilst she tried to get herself established. Best thing I ever did and really wish I had done it years ago (the opportunity existed but we never took it). I actually feel sorry for dads who have to work so much as they make sacrifices they can never redeem. It has been fantastic for my relationships with my kids, my wife has the freedom to do something fantastic and I benefit from it. I am on most the mums chat groups so know everything that is going on with parties, out of school events etc and no one batters and eyelid. Some of the mums use the same gym as me so I am far from isolated by the situation. In fact there are 2 of us (dads) in the exact same situation. You will never regain the lost time and memories with kids. I am also the better cook in our household and better at planning/organising etc. I don’t actually want to go back to work (but will need to eventually). I’ve got all the daily routines sorted, school, clubs, house etc sorted and it’s easy! If it wasn’t for the fact it would appear sexist I would happily say “I don’t know why housewives/stay at home mums go on about”. Personally (and I do to friends) I would recommend it to any dad, you have no idea on the things you miss out on until you try it.