"Excusez moi!" I pleaded for about the 7000th time. No response.

"Excusez moi? Madam! Parlez vous Anglais? S'il vous plait!" I cried again, stretching my schoolboy Franglais to its limits. The reply: a shrug, and an almost imperceptible shake of the head.

I was at the Metro supermarket in Paris, France, attempting, not to stage a hostile takeover or put forward a highly complex request, but to hand over around 1000 Euros for the groceries I was buying.

The staff, through a series of gruff hand movements, were attempting to explain to me that their maximum spend was 750 Euros, and non, I couldn't split the bill, so would I kindly take my 1000 Euros and leave.

Why I was in possession of 1000 Euros worth of groceries is another story, but my point is this: no matter what you're trying to achieve or who you're trying to win over in Paris, if you don't speak passable French, you're gone. Getting someone to admit they speak English is like trying to find someone in Sydney who voted for John Howard. Regardless of the fact that I was running around Metro with a small fortune in my hand, trying to find someone to give it to, I wasn't going to get any help.

But don't go choking on your foie gras yet, Francophiles. For, despite this little intro, I'm not going to label France the unfriendliest country in the world. Granted, if Paris was a country of its own (and some might say it is), it would be high up on my list. And even then, I have to bear a grudging respect for the snooty Parisians - after all, their city is gorgeous, they are gorgeous, and their food is amazing, so they've got every right to be a bit cocky.

The rest of the French, however, I find as friendly, if not moreso, as the citizens of any other European country. They're helpful when they can be, grin encouragingly when you attempt to parlez a bit of Francais, and, yes, some even admit to speaking English. I once called a taxi from a pay phone at the Calais ferry terminal, and was expecting the worst. A muffled voice answered the phone: "Oui?"
"Bonjour," I said, "parlez vous Anglais?"
Muffled, very French-sounding answer.
"Bonjour," I said again, starting to yell to make myself heard, "PARLEZ VOUS ANGLAIS?"
"Yes! Yes! I said I speak English," the driver yelled back. "What do you want?"

So there: Paris unfriendly, France not.

But when it comes to unfriendly countries, there's another elephant in the room: the United States. Once again I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the Yanks, if you disregard their war-mongering president, are some of the friendliest people in the world - up there with the Scots, Italians, Indians, and the lovely people of Malawi. While Americans get a reputation when travelling for being loud and obnoxious, in their homeland they're the most amazingly generous people, who would do anything to give you a positive impression of the good ole' US of A.

That said though, if US immigration officials had a country of their own, it would easily bump Paris off the top of my list.

So now that we've cleared that up, it's down to the dirty. The truly unwelcoming. In my experience (that's a disclaimer, for those who missed it), there seems to be an inverse relationship between the beauty of a country, and the friendliness of its people - ie, the more stunning the landscape, the more snooty the people. Switzerland and Austria are prime examples. The mountains, while being absolutely stunning and, allegedly, alive with the sound of music, are populated by very stand-offish people.

The same goes for many of the Scandinavian countries, although in their case it's the beauty of the people rather than the landscape. Walking Barbie and Ken dolls they may be, but trying to engage a Scando in conversation is not the easiest. Bring them out to our sunny shores, though, and they go crazy.

South Africa, too, is aesthetically amazing, but a tough place to feel a part of. However, the country is like an in-patient at a mental asylum: it has far too many of its own problems to deal with to have time for strangers. Zimbabwe, too, is a great place to get shot first and have questions asked later, although that's more the fault of the madman running the country than its inhabitants.

While all of the above-mentioned countries pick up a solid swag of votes for the world's unfriendliest, they don't quite win, because there is one that would eat their snootiness for breakfast. At the risk of incurring the considerable wrath of a lot of my friends (and, God help me, my mum), I'm going to say that the country that would happily take to all others with a broken bottle and a pair of brass knuckes is... England.

And this, friends, is where my beautiful scenery/ unfriendly people theory breaks down. Let's face it, England has its moments, but Scotland got most of the beautiful mountains and lakes (sorry, lochs), most of the food in England borders on inedible, and for a sample of the population's physical beauty, try going dancing at an Essex nightclub some time.

In what other country do you have a fair chance of copping a glassing if you don't happen to fit in down at the boozer? As I said, I've got plenty of English friends, but no matter how pacifisitic they may be, most have found themselves in a violent pub brawl at some point in their lives. Football violence and hooliganism, while not confined to the Old Dart, is certainly a behaviour that reflects its participants' society. Do happy, friendly people go out and beat the **** out of each other in the name of soccer? I don't think so.

There's also the old shop assistant chestnut: trying to get a smile out of an English shop assistant is like trying to find Osama bin Laden - ie, we're not even sure if it's possible. Ever tried making eye contact and smiling at someone in the Tube? No? Funny, neither has anyone else...

As with everything, there are exceptions to the rule. There are Poms out there who would do anything for you, who are always the first to buy you a pint at the pub, and the last to leave when the lights come on. But hey, the *******s beat us in the cricket, so I'm sticking to my guns: English people are not very friendly.