Amsterdam
09 August 2006, 10:36 AM
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Amsterdam
As I've just returned from this pit of filth I thought I'd post up some hints and tips that might stop the constantly recurring threads about where to stay or what to do there. Assuming the fcuktards that post them can use the search facility that is.
WHERE TO STAY
Chances are you are an idiot with little or no money- so why not stay in one of the many disease ridden flop houses around DAMRAK? You'll find that for 50 Euros or so each you get to stay in a pokey, dirty little room with an uncomfortable bed that, before you arrived, was slept in with a man who shed bagfuls of very dark pubic hair.
An example here
http://www.amsterdam-hotels-guide.co...dam-damrak.htm
If that sounds too good and you are in fact one of the loud, obnoxious, pasty, football shirted losers who visit Amsterdam with a bunch of other tossers then you might like to consider this place
http://www.hostelcosmos.com/
At the cosmos you can pay through the nose (cash only) to stay in a vile, dirty and possibly unsafe dormitory room where the only toilet available is right next to the reception desk in the public area. As you can imagine with upto 6 junk food eating fat English nobbers staying in one room the smells throughout the hotel can be delighful. One plus point is that the unfriendly, evil looking, staff will offer to sell you drugs then boot you out when you complain that the coke is in fact just foot powder.
Of course you could be one of the many people who thinks
"That's not for me, I'm far too discerning to take my better half to a place like that"
Therefore you can choose a place like this
http://www.dieportvancleve.com/
Where you get a pokey, less dirty little room with an uncomfortable bed that before you arrived was still slept in by the pubic hair shedding mystery man and pay Euro 250 (breakfast not included) for it.
Moral of the story, do as I did and stay here
http://www.thegrand.nl/
The suites are acceptable and at least you won't be finding pubic hairs inbetween the sheets. Of course you'll need to blow an average scoobynetter's weekly wage on a one night stay but hey, that's the price of a decent room in Amsterdam.
If you're not an idiot but have little or no money then stay here
http://www.travel-library.com/hotels...wijnnobel.html
It's a really clean fantastic place for the cash and a decent enough location.
Now we've got where to stay sorted here's some other handy tips
COFFESHOPS AND DRUGS
Most of these are crap, sell special 'tourist' deals with most of the weed missing from the bag and feature unfriendly staff (let's face it, if you were dealing with shaven headed thugs from the UK and dumb *** americans you'd have a downer on your clientel). You won't find any locals in these places, what you will find is some fat, ugly birds from Liverpool braying like donkeys and some dumb *** punk american ***** talking loudly about how this 'is, like, so ******* amazing.......man'.
However there is always an exception to the rule so if you must be a sad dope tourist then check out GREY AREA (run by 2 septic tanks but don't let that put you off)
http://www.coffeeshop.freeuk.com/Dat...opsA/Grey.html
Only problem is this attracts other american w@nkers and you have to leave before you assault one of them,that wouldn't be cooooool........man
Oh yeah, if you mix the herb with filthy tobacco products then you're a two time loser and deserve to be shot.
As for other drugs, these are sold mainly by street vermin and are never usually drugs but a variety of other substances none of which will get you high. What you will get is mugged, hassled or if you're lucky just some talcum powder.
Again if you must buy drugs get your *** to one of the better clubs (no gangs of english thugs allowed ) and talk to some cool people. I found the lekkerste coke available at a price that's right!
Street beggars/crack fiends, scam artists and other vermin
Not a problem if you're a man of the world like me but judging by some of the threads we get on here there are a large proportion of idiots who need telling how to tie their shoelaces.
ANYONE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU ON THE STREET IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT IS A SCAM ARTIST.
Don't talk to them, don't stop to look at their piece of paper or whatever it is they are asking you to look at. In fact don't even look at them or do as I did this time and tell them to '**** off' (I'd lost my normal patience at this point). This was funny as the south american gentleman was obviously not used to being talked to like that and got all excited jumping up and down etc etc. He was a ***** like the rest of these dirtbags though and went off in a huff to find someone weaker to try his BS on.
Where to drink
Chances are you think a pint of stella or kro is the good ****, if that's the case drink anywhere, you're a ******* loser. Now move on to the next tip.
For anyone with any sort of idea I recommend this place
http://www.indewildeman.nl/indexe.html
No loud music, no gangs of d1ckheads just a massive selection of interesting beers and a chance to talk to some real Amsterdammers.
If that seems a bit to 'real ale' to you then I can recommend this place in the RLD
http://www.coffeeshop.freeuk.com/Dat...lackTiger.html
Has a massive bay window overlooking some ******, it's great fun to sit here with friends and place bets on how long the sorry looking punters are going to take in there. You can also smoke weed in this place.
WHERE TO EAT
You could eat here
http://www.supperclub.com/
Food is good but it's mostly full of losers, scummy tourists and pretentious ********, so best not to.
There's a place that translates as 'High class' which despite the name is actually very good but I can't rember the dutch spelling so you'll have to stick with the steak places you no doubt normally go to.
Ignoring the machine food (FEBO) and the burger bars (cos they are crap just like everywhere else in the world)
The only place I can recommend is MAOZ
http://www.maozveg.com/
The only problem is this is usually full of scummers/backpackers/americans trying to eat a days worth of food due to the limitless salad bar policy.
What I did this time as one of them tried to push past me without saying a word is say "do you people not have a ******* word for excuse me, you ignorant ****".
So anyway that's it, hopefully this post can be a useful resource for peopl wanting to visit the great city of Amsterdam and as I add to it, save weekly reposts of the SAME ******* QUESTIONS TIME AFTER ******* TIME.
WHERE TO STAY
Chances are you are an idiot with little or no money- so why not stay in one of the many disease ridden flop houses around DAMRAK? You'll find that for 50 Euros or so each you get to stay in a pokey, dirty little room with an uncomfortable bed that, before you arrived, was slept in with a man who shed bagfuls of very dark pubic hair.
An example here
http://www.amsterdam-hotels-guide.co...dam-damrak.htm
If that sounds too good and you are in fact one of the loud, obnoxious, pasty, football shirted losers who visit Amsterdam with a bunch of other tossers then you might like to consider this place
http://www.hostelcosmos.com/
At the cosmos you can pay through the nose (cash only) to stay in a vile, dirty and possibly unsafe dormitory room where the only toilet available is right next to the reception desk in the public area. As you can imagine with upto 6 junk food eating fat English nobbers staying in one room the smells throughout the hotel can be delighful. One plus point is that the unfriendly, evil looking, staff will offer to sell you drugs then boot you out when you complain that the coke is in fact just foot powder.
Of course you could be one of the many people who thinks
"That's not for me, I'm far too discerning to take my better half to a place like that"
Therefore you can choose a place like this
http://www.dieportvancleve.com/
Where you get a pokey, less dirty little room with an uncomfortable bed that before you arrived was still slept in by the pubic hair shedding mystery man and pay Euro 250 (breakfast not included) for it.
Moral of the story, do as I did and stay here
http://www.thegrand.nl/
The suites are acceptable and at least you won't be finding pubic hairs inbetween the sheets. Of course you'll need to blow an average scoobynetter's weekly wage on a one night stay but hey, that's the price of a decent room in Amsterdam.
If you're not an idiot but have little or no money then stay here
http://www.travel-library.com/hotels...wijnnobel.html
It's a really clean fantastic place for the cash and a decent enough location.
Now we've got where to stay sorted here's some other handy tips
COFFESHOPS AND DRUGS
Most of these are crap, sell special 'tourist' deals with most of the weed missing from the bag and feature unfriendly staff (let's face it, if you were dealing with shaven headed thugs from the UK and dumb *** americans you'd have a downer on your clientel). You won't find any locals in these places, what you will find is some fat, ugly birds from Liverpool braying like donkeys and some dumb *** punk american ***** talking loudly about how this 'is, like, so ******* amazing.......man'.
However there is always an exception to the rule so if you must be a sad dope tourist then check out GREY AREA (run by 2 septic tanks but don't let that put you off)
http://www.coffeeshop.freeuk.com/Dat...opsA/Grey.html
Only problem is this attracts other american w@nkers and you have to leave before you assault one of them,that wouldn't be cooooool........man
Oh yeah, if you mix the herb with filthy tobacco products then you're a two time loser and deserve to be shot.
As for other drugs, these are sold mainly by street vermin and are never usually drugs but a variety of other substances none of which will get you high. What you will get is mugged, hassled or if you're lucky just some talcum powder.
Again if you must buy drugs get your *** to one of the better clubs (no gangs of english thugs allowed
) and talk to some cool people. I found the lekkerste coke available at a price that's right!Street beggars/crack fiends, scam artists and other vermin
Not a problem if you're a man of the world like me but judging by some of the threads we get on here there are a large proportion of idiots who need telling how to tie their shoelaces.
ANYONE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU ON THE STREET IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT IS A SCAM ARTIST.
Don't talk to them, don't stop to look at their piece of paper or whatever it is they are asking you to look at. In fact don't even look at them or do as I did this time and tell them to '**** off' (I'd lost my normal patience at this point). This was funny as the south american gentleman was obviously not used to being talked to like that and got all excited jumping up and down etc etc. He was a ***** like the rest of these dirtbags though and went off in a huff to find someone weaker to try his BS on.
Where to drink
Chances are you think a pint of stella or kro is the good ****, if that's the case drink anywhere, you're a ******* loser. Now move on to the next tip.
For anyone with any sort of idea I recommend this place
http://www.indewildeman.nl/indexe.html
No loud music, no gangs of d1ckheads just a massive selection of interesting beers and a chance to talk to some real Amsterdammers.
If that seems a bit to 'real ale' to you then I can recommend this place in the RLD
http://www.coffeeshop.freeuk.com/Dat...lackTiger.html
Has a massive bay window overlooking some ******, it's great fun to sit here with friends and place bets on how long the sorry looking punters are going to take in there. You can also smoke weed in this place.
WHERE TO EAT
You could eat here
http://www.supperclub.com/
Food is good but it's mostly full of losers, scummy tourists and pretentious ********, so best not to.
There's a place that translates as 'High class' which despite the name is actually very good but I can't rember the dutch spelling so you'll have to stick with the steak places you no doubt normally go to.
Ignoring the machine food (FEBO) and the burger bars (cos they are crap just like everywhere else in the world)
The only place I can recommend is MAOZ
http://www.maozveg.com/
The only problem is this is usually full of scummers/backpackers/americans trying to eat a days worth of food due to the limitless salad bar policy.
What I did this time as one of them tried to push past me without saying a word is say "do you people not have a ******* word for excuse me, you ignorant ****".
So anyway that's it, hopefully this post can be a useful resource for peopl wanting to visit the great city of Amsterdam and as I add to it, save weekly reposts of the SAME ******* QUESTIONS TIME AFTER ******* TIME.
Last edited by Rabid; 09 August 2006 at 11:11 AM.
09 August 2006, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by TelBoy
LOL 
How long did that take you to put together you loon?! 
How long did that take you to put together you loon?!
09 August 2006, 10:46 AM
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First entry in Rabid's new European Tour Guide, which will be entitled "The Lonely-Assed Planet; Europe for Losers" 
Can't wait for the next exciting episode - Bill Bryson's publishers will be on the phone pronto!
Can't wait for the next exciting episode - Bill Bryson's publishers will be on the phone pronto!
09 August 2006, 10:50 AM
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Amsterdam is the Indonesian food capital of the world, after Indonesia obviously. But if you'd rather eat minced cowlips and pigskin from a FEBO machine, then you go girl.
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09 August 2006, 10:55 AM
#8
kut stad
I've lived in Holland for 5 years now and have only been out in Amsterdam twice (privately) in all that time. I expect many SNers have visited more frequently 
It is indeed a sh1thole. I remember a National Geographic city trip show on the place where the presenter got mugged on camera!
It is indeed a sh1thole. I remember a National Geographic city trip show on the place where the presenter got mugged on camera!
09 August 2006, 11:01 AM
#9
Visited it once and that was enough, Nice Van Gogh museum but the rest of it is indeed a sh1thole.
The bit about Stella is true though, lived in Belgium for a year and never met a single Belgian that drank it. Similar to Fosters I guess because no-one drinks that in Australia either.
The bit about Stella is true though, lived in Belgium for a year and never met a single Belgian that drank it. Similar to Fosters I guess because no-one drinks that in Australia either.
09 August 2006, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Longjing
Amsterdam is the Indonesian food capital of the world, after Indonesia obviously. But if you'd rather eat minced cowlips and pigskin from a FEBO machine, then you go girl.
I didn't have time for a Rijsttafel this time so no current recommendations.
09 August 2006, 12:17 PM
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Ok, to add...I agree amsterdam is a bit of a sh1thole but it's easy to have a good time by planning ahead and not turning up and expecting the best like most English idiots.
accommodation: Go on recommendations 1st, secondly at Amsterdam train station the tourism office will sort you out good accommodation at reasonable prices.
drugs: you go to Amsterdam to smoke weed, so therefore it's a bit stupid to expect cocaine from street dealers is going to be better there than it is off the same type of people over here. For decent coke you either go to S.America or Eastern Europe.
coffee shops: Don't just 'stumbe' into the nearest one. Go to high times and download their TOP100 guide to Amsterdams coffee shops. This way you'll always get good food, good drugs and won't be ripped off.
There you go, Amsterdam is an excellent place to go for the weekend, it just takes a little forward planning and common sense.
accommodation: Go on recommendations 1st, secondly at Amsterdam train station the tourism office will sort you out good accommodation at reasonable prices.
drugs: you go to Amsterdam to smoke weed, so therefore it's a bit stupid to expect cocaine from street dealers is going to be better there than it is off the same type of people over here. For decent coke you either go to S.America or Eastern Europe.
coffee shops: Don't just 'stumbe' into the nearest one. Go to high times and download their TOP100 guide to Amsterdams coffee shops. This way you'll always get good food, good drugs and won't be ripped off.
There you go, Amsterdam is an excellent place to go for the weekend, it just takes a little forward planning and common sense.
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