hodgy0_2

I like the story told to me by a good friend

He said a friend of his was in the middle of a messy divorce - they were at marriage guidance, and it was going nowhere

And exasperated counsellor finally said, after a few tortuous sessions

"Is there no consensus between you, can we not find something you both agree on, to be able to build and move forward"

"Yes" the man said - "neither of us like svckng ****"

I think they did separate in the end!!!!

SiPie

Don't think he was a wise man...more like a stupid man who hadn't chosen the correct woman.

It's simple really, just don't marry a feckin bammer, easy really. I'm new to this game though, only been married 10 years, never one cross word or argument. We support each other all the time and never been happier.

In my opinion, how marriage should be.

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

No fire or passion , sounds boring.

SiPie

You think you have to have blazing rows to ignite passion..?

Naive

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

I see by your post you never speak to your wife.. What that's not the case? Ah sorry thought we were putting words in each others posts..

Lydia72

Falling out of love is understandable, the thing with affairs though is that often the cheating person is already mentally detaching from the marriage to help ease their own conscience (all that 'my wife doesn't understand me' rubbish). The other woman goes all out to show how sexy/ intelligent/ amazing she is because she wants to win the prize, meanwhile the wife has no idea that she is actually in a competition...


If my fella tried to pull that crap I'd give him so much space it would keep Stephen Hawking busy for the next decade.

Turbohot

Ok, ok! For how long have you two been having a relationship? Sounds longer than 10 years, man.

Turbohot

SiPie

Do the maths yourself

https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...te-nerves.html

Turbohot

I was asking about you and Pimmo's relationship, not your and your lady's, SiPie. Never mind.

Good to scan through an old thread. Late Charlie WRX STI is much missed, and some banned and deleted names brought back a breeze from past. Thanks.

SiPie

I see, got you now

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

I thought you'd outed me ..

Turbohot

Hope you kicked him up his @rse into the space for good?

CrisPDuk

On the flip side, how many women change in to soap opera addicted, chocolate devouring, whining *******, almost as soon as they're back off the honeymoon

Is it any wonder their blokes eyes wander

Devildog

Very true. Men do it as well.

This is a subject very close to me. I am recently divorced and have two very good male friends going through the same thing.

We all have very different reasons for whats happened. We all have our wants and needs in life. None of us was anywhere near as happy as we should have been.

But the one overriding "failure" that we should all learn from is taking our partner for granted. We stop thinking about the other person's wants and needs. We stop knowing them. We just assume they will allways be there without making any effort.

(I'm not saying relationships should be hard work sometimes - quite the opposite in fact. And if they are *hard* work, something is wrong. Very wrong).

In fact effort is the wrong word - because that suggests that its a chore to do, when in fact its something you should want to do, proactively.

Lydia72

...and meanwhile the bloke's sitting there with his iPad resting on his beer-belly for four hours a night

If women are that bad it makes you wonder why blokes are so desperate to get another one that they have the replacement lined up already?
All marriages have their problems but maybe it would be better to try and work it out instead of putting the energy into an affair, at least then you can leave with a clear conscience and your friends and relatives can carry on trusting you.

It's the cliche of the 'I need space', when what they really mean is "I'm ******** someone else but I don't want to tell you at the moment, I don't really know what I want, so I'm hedging my bets"
Meanwhile the Other Woman is putting the pressure on...six weeks down the line and the truth finally starts coming out.

The bloke still wants to keep up the pretence that basically he's a nice guy, ("I couldn't help it, we just have this amazing connection") so he offers to let wifey keep the house and he'll still contribute to the bills...for a few more weeks at least until the OW starts putting a bit more pressure on

Lydia72

There's a list somewhere of what people say to justify their affairs.

"I deserve to be happy" and "Marriage shouldn't be hard work" are both on the list.

Some more:

Can we still be friends?
I love you but I'm not in love with you
I think you'd like her, you're quite similar
The spark is just not there anymore
She's a lot of fun
I won't ever cheat on her because she'll keep me interested
I love you both, I wish I could split myself in two
She makes me a better person
I've been a wonderful husband to you, other than the affair
She was having some personal problems and I was trying to help her through them
Life is too short to be unhappy
We have so much in common, she's so passionate about XYZ
She feels terrible but it was something we just couldn't help, it's been really difficult for her too

DYK

I think marriage seems to be a bit meaningless now a days..I know of two couples that have been married,one over the last four/five years.Hate to say it,but both the blokes have been found out seeing another woman,the very recent over the last week,married 25 years.
Oh and my other mate at work,met his mrs at school when he was fourteen,together twenty two years,he found out on FB she was seeing someone else.she came back to him after about four months,take me back and all that,he told her to **** off...

hodgy0_2

the danger signs are when a mid 40's bloke starts to wear Superdry clothing!!

seriously though DD's points are all valid - it should not be hard graft, but does require work, on both sides

Devildog

Speaks a woman scorned perhaps?

None of what I posted was looking to justify an affair or anything else. Whatever assumptions you are making, marriage should not be hard work.

What's wrong with wanting to be happy? Because if one party isn't, you can guarantee that will impact the other. You can't force happiness. Life is too short sometimes.

Sometimes people marry the wrong person. Its entrely plausible that someone else could make you a better (happier, more relaxed) individual.

And its entirely possible to love someone without being in love with them in the way a couple should be.

I see too many people kidding themselves that their mediocre at best relationship is fine, dismissing the ideals because, well, sometimes marriage is hard work. Pretending that complacency is acceptable on the basis of "thats just what happens"

When they could both have so much more.

Lydia72

No. Never to my knowledge anyway

I have however witnessed numerous friends having their marriages break-up and I've seen the devastation it causes. It would be refreshing for the person doing the cheating (I've been saying it's the man in my previous posts because in my experiences it's been the man cheating, I appreciate sometimes it's the woman) to be honest right from the start.

If someone is unhappy in their marriage that is absolutely okay, it is maybe very unrealistic to expect two people to spend sixty years together anyway, but the OP is commenting on the fact that the man is asking for space and then it turns out all along he is seeing someone else.
That is what I have an issue with.

The cheating spouse is making their partner paranoid, they are lying time and time again. In a lot of cases when their partner does start suspecting something is going on the cheating spouse blames them for being suspicious.
So it's not just that the partner has to accept that their marriage has broken down, it's that the person they loved most in the world was able to deceive them, sometimes for years. How then are they expected to start a new relationship themselves when they find it so hard to trust anyone ever again?
The cheating spouse does not have that issue because it's not them that has had their trust broken.

The spouse is usually able to pinpoint a week or a month when they felt problems were arising in their marriage, when the truth all comes out this date usually coincides with when the cheating spouse had actually begun the affair, it might have been an emotional affair at this stage and not yet physical, it's just that their wife did not know any of this at the time.
The cheating spouse had begun to disengage at this point because, let's face it, no one wants to think they are the bad guy, so it's easier on their own conscience to say the marriage was having problems and that's why the affair began, not the other way round.


All those sayings I typed on my previous posts are following the script. Go on any relationship forum and you will see them repeated time and time again, people that have been through it can advise newbies what is going to happen next, with scary accuracy. It's quite interesting actually, as long as you're not the one who is emotionally involved.


I've tried not to make any assumptions and you certainly don't have to justify your own actions on here

hodgy0_2

i think maybe the problem is that men seem to bottle it all in

if they man'd up a bit sooner and admitted that they were not happy, maybe some marriages would be saved

we had some very very close friends - known for over 35 years, our kids have grown up together and we go on holiday with them pretty much every year - and see them most weeks etc

a few month ago my wife took a call from the husband - in tears saying "Jane" was leaving him

I was really shocked and pissed off, and quite naturaly said, "well Jane has obviously got someone else"

anyway - it turned out she hadn't - but it was a sort of cry for help, they went to counselling and sorted out all the issues, and now seem happier than ever