Saturday afternoon jokes... i'm abit bored at work
02 July 2011, 02:08 PM
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Saturday afternoon jokes... i'm abit bored at work
A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers, i took her home & shagged her. Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper i asked her, 'Do u **** everyone on ur first date?' She said no, 'Only those that catch my eye.'
___
2 drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes a look at them & says to her manager, "Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice."
During the walk home, one guy says "I think my girl was dead. She never moved or made a sound" The 2nd guy says,"I think mine was a witch"
"Why do you think that" asks his friend. "Well, I bit her ****, she farted in my face and then flew out of the ****ing window!"
___
Man texts his wife and says, "Honey I'm just havin one more pint and I'll be home. If I'm not home in 20 mins, just read this text again".
___
A 6yr old goes to the hospital with her Grandma to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa." she says, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" says Grandpa, " Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!!!"
___
2 drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes a look at them & says to her manager, "Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice."
During the walk home, one guy says "I think my girl was dead. She never moved or made a sound" The 2nd guy says,"I think mine was a witch"
"Why do you think that" asks his friend. "Well, I bit her ****, she farted in my face and then flew out of the ****ing window!"
___
Man texts his wife and says, "Honey I'm just havin one more pint and I'll be home. If I'm not home in 20 mins, just read this text again".
___
A 6yr old goes to the hospital with her Grandma to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa." she says, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" says Grandpa, " Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!!!"
02 July 2011, 02:37 PM
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Go on then ....
A lady walks into a BMW dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** yourself when you hear the price."
-------------------------------
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie!What are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room , and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm ******** Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".
------
Dave
A lady walks into a BMW dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** yourself when you hear the price."
-------------------------------
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie!What are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room , and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm ******** Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".
------
Dave
02 July 2011, 03:33 PM
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we had a pelican curry the other night. curry was great but the bill was huge.
what do you get if you get if you throw a family bag of malteesers over the floor at weightwatchers..........live hungry hippos
what do you get if you get if you throw a family bag of malteesers over the floor at weightwatchers..........live hungry hippos
02 July 2011, 06:49 PM
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I couldn't believe my dad was sacked from his job as a lollipop man for stealing, but the signs were there.
Medical fact, if a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke, if you you let her finish the bottle she will probably suck it as well.
Nobody ever praises me for my obsession with the Butcher family on Eastenders, except my tattooist, he gave me a Pat on the back
Medical fact, if a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke, if you you let her finish the bottle she will probably suck it as well.
Nobody ever praises me for my obsession with the Butcher family on Eastenders, except my tattooist, he gave me a Pat on the back
03 July 2011, 11:39 AM
#6
English man, irish man and a scotch man all stood at the pearly gates with smiles on there faces, st peter askes the english man " why do you have a smile on your face"? well says the english man..i was having sex with my wife and just as i was about to finish i had a heart attack and died".. fairenough says st peter... he turns to the scotch man ..what about you? why the smile on your face?...well says the scotchman... i found a £20 note at the side of the road..bent down to pick it up and got hit by a bus.. ahh says st peter... so..paddy what about you he asks...? well i was struck by lightening..he says.. why the smile then? ......i thought i were having my picture taken says Paddy!
03 July 2011, 11:47 AM
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I was chatting to this bird the other night when I said to her "you remind me of my little toe" she said "why because I'm small and cute" I said "No it's because sooner or later I'm gonna' end up banging you on the coffee table!
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the pi$$ out of your underpants!
Ireland has turned its back on 90 years of neutrality and joined the attack on Libya.
They sent two ships full of sand, one ship full of cement.
It was a mortar attack
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see? "
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning. "
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again. "
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see. "
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
You: Knock knock
Them: Who's there
Y: The Interrupting Doctor
T: The Interru....
Y: YOU HAVE CANCER!!!!!!
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the pi$$ out of your underpants!
Ireland has turned its back on 90 years of neutrality and joined the attack on Libya.
They sent two ships full of sand, one ship full of cement.
It was a mortar attack
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see? "
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning. "
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again. "
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see. "
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
You: Knock knock
Them: Who's there
Y: The Interrupting Doctor
T: The Interru....
Y: YOU HAVE CANCER!!!!!!
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03 July 2011, 12:10 PM
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I was going to write a joke about David Haye but it looks like I've been beaten to the punch.
'Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature'. Being born with a **** seems to have done the trick for me.
what's brown and sticky..........a stick
"All we do is argue, we need to learn to get on," my wife said. "So let's try and speak the same language from now on, eh?" "Moooooooo," I replied.
This girl started dancing with me last night, I said to her "Is your body from McDonalds?"
She said "Why because you're loving it?"
I said "No because it's fat and greasy"
what's the difference between a ginger haired girl and a bowling ball. if you really had to you could eat a bowling ball
'Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature'. Being born with a **** seems to have done the trick for me.
what's brown and sticky..........a stick
"All we do is argue, we need to learn to get on," my wife said. "So let's try and speak the same language from now on, eh?" "Moooooooo," I replied.
This girl started dancing with me last night, I said to her "Is your body from McDonalds?"
She said "Why because you're loving it?"
I said "No because it's fat and greasy"
what's the difference between a ginger haired girl and a bowling ball. if you really had to you could eat a bowling ball
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