JOKE: Are You American?
10 April 2002, 12:24 PM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Arborfield, Berkshire
Posts: 12,387
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Are You An American?
Take this simple test to find out ...................
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbred's on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbred's.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a super glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.
12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.
13. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whinge that the country that you are visiting is
nothing like home.
Take this simple test to find out ...................
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbred's on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbred's.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a super glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.
12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.
13. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whinge that the country that you are visiting is
nothing like home.
11 April 2002, 04:31 AM
#6
Scooby Regular
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: South East London
Posts: 739
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Whhooooooaa!!!! 
I dont want to get into a debate about the pros and cons and the whys and wherefores (sp!!!
) of the Isreali conflict. I simply am not well enough informed to comment - perhaps others will.
One thing I will comment on though is this remark:
I'm from London, England. If theres one thing we DONT need to imagine it's that kind of scenario. We've lived with that for far too long. Even if a bomb doesnt go off every day, there is often the fear of bomb threats etc...
[img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img] And this comment is way out of line:
If only for the reason above, please give us some sodding credit. IMHO, you aint doing a great deal to resolve the first problem in that quote (if, indeed, there is one...), but as for the second one...please. Just because there may be some disagreement with the US approach, those people who disagree are automatically 'enemies' whoe side with 'suicide bombers'. A very worldly, democratic view if ever I heard one... 
.
I dont want to start a raging war of words with you but...of all the nations to post some comments in (as this is, after all, a basically British website) you could have chosen better. After all, in recent conflicts who has been the American's lapdogs? Yep, us Brits - especially in recent months. In fact, in many respects I feel that that is one of the causes of whatever anti American feelings there are. The fact that our leaders feel it is neceassary to do whatever the State's wants - IMHO, I think we should take out a leaf from your book and look after number one.
I wasnt anti-american at all before hand - and Im not really now - but youve certainly pissed me off.
[img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]
Now lets get back to what started this all shall we - a joke...
I dont want to get into a debate about the pros and cons and the whys and wherefores (sp!!!
) of the Isreali conflict. I simply am not well enough informed to comment - perhaps others will. One thing I will comment on though is this remark:
i didnt notice where you wre from but lets say you lived in canada, and americans kept going into your toy stores and cofee shops blowing up bombs....
[img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img] And this comment is way out of line:
but i just dont and never will understand where all this anti-american and pro suicide bomber attitude came from
. I dont want to start a raging war of words with you but...of all the nations to post some comments in (as this is, after all, a basically British website) you could have chosen better. After all, in recent conflicts who has been the American's lapdogs? Yep, us Brits - especially in recent months. In fact, in many respects I feel that that is one of the causes of whatever anti American feelings there are. The fact that our leaders feel it is neceassary to do whatever the State's wants - IMHO, I think we should take out a leaf from your book and look after number one.
I wasnt anti-american at all before hand - and Im not really now - but youve certainly pissed me off.
[img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]
Now lets get back to what started this all shall we - a joke...
11 April 2002, 04:58 AM
#7
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Arborfield, Berkshire
Posts: 12,387
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Jesus true06 - now tell me that yanks dont have a sense of humour 
It was a joke - I dont get into a wild rage every time someone posts a joke about an englishman. If you cant differentiate between humour and reality then I feel for you.
If I was so anti-us I wouldnt be coming on holiday in less than 2 weeks would I????
Simon.
It was a joke - I dont get into a wild rage every time someone posts a joke about an englishman. If you cant differentiate between humour and reality then I feel for you.
If I was so anti-us I wouldnt be coming on holiday in less than 2 weeks would I????
Simon.
Trending Topics
11 April 2002, 08:10 AM
#8
Scooby Regular
Join Date: Jan 2000
Posts: 859
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
This Usa/Canada comparison is excellent humour - we're wrong I think - he is really funny !!
Somewhere is his bizarre analogy he misses out the part about offering land and then never giving it, invading another peoples lands with tanks, and using rifles against stones - all fair I suppose. But this isnt the place to get into such stuff. Lets get back to the humour.
Somewhere is his bizarre analogy he misses out the part about offering land and then never giving it, invading another peoples lands with tanks, and using rifles against stones - all fair I suppose. But this isnt the place to get into such stuff. Lets get back to the humour.
11 April 2002, 02:10 PM
#11
Scooby Regular
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 162
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Its almost like i new that people would take that first post as a joke so I sent an american to prove that it was true.
My ways are not all that mysterious.]
By the way I do really judge all americans based on TV and media coverage so hate you all.
My ways are not all that mysterious.]
By the way I do really judge all americans based on TV and media coverage so hate you all.
04 November 2002, 03:45 AM
#13
Scooby Regular
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: South East London
Posts: 739
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
true06 - Nice restrained and thought out reply there .
Before having ago at P1Fanatic for 'writing' this, didnt you read that he cut and pasted it from a different source?
Chill out man - however good its taste, its called humour - nothing more.....
As the topic heading states ----> Joke! Now Im sure the Americans never take the mickey out of the British, or any other nations, do they...
[Edited by JohnMcC - 4/11/2002 3:52:47 AM]
. Before having ago at P1Fanatic for 'writing' this, didnt you read that he cut and pasted it from a different source?
Chill out man - however good its taste, its called humour - nothing more.....
As the topic heading states ----> Joke! Now Im sure the Americans never take the mickey out of the British, or any other nations, do they...
[Edited by JohnMcC - 4/11/2002 3:52:47 AM]
04 November 2002, 03:50 AM
#14
Scooby Regular
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: South East London
Posts: 739
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I forgot to add that this comment:
...isnt really that well thought out either - 'cos no-one ever gets 'riled up' and kills anyone over in the states do they - or in any other nation, district or city in the world for that matter...
Relax, mate
[Edited by JohnMcC - 4/11/2002 3:50:58 AM]
every year you f*cks get riled up and kill people over f*ckin soccer games.
Relax, mate
[Edited by JohnMcC - 4/11/2002 3:50:58 AM]
04 November 2002, 08:31 AM
#15
Scooby Regular
Join Date: Mar 1999
Posts: 4,518
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Imagine if you will, canadians crossing the border into america blowing up coffee houses, pubs (thats bars in america), bridges etc. Then imagine sections of the UK community spending years fund raising and supporting them encouraged by poltiicains because they control a huge number of votes. Then imagine UK politicians coming over, shaking hands with the leaders etc. to help "solve" the problem.
Hmmm Cant imagine too many americans would be too impressed with that. Let alone if their government then followed the UK into every scuffle in the world at a moments notice.
Ring any bells ?
There are many countrys that don't have to "imagine" terrorism on their own doorstep. If only America realised that a few years ago they might have done an awfull lot of thing a little bit differently.
[Edited by dsmith - 4/11/2002 8:34:48 AM]
Hmmm Cant imagine too many americans would be too impressed with that. Let alone if their government then followed the UK into every scuffle in the world at a moments notice.
Ring any bells ?
There are many countrys that don't have to "imagine" terrorism on their own doorstep. If only America realised that a few years ago they might have done an awfull lot of thing a little bit differently.
[Edited by dsmith - 4/11/2002 8:34:48 AM]
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post