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Old 18 February 2010, 08:24 AM
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SwissTony
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Default Are you thinking of having kids ??

Maybe your partner has that doe eyed look in her eyes or you have always had the longing of raising your own mini me.
Well before you do the duvet shuffle, here are a few steps to ensure you are ready for kids



Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, Thomas the Tank Engine and Playhouse Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers[/B]

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work


I have two myself and my fiancee has a little one as well. Together we can testify that all of the above is true
Old 18 February 2010, 08:54 AM
  #2  
Lee247
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Originally Posted by SwissTony
Maybe your partner has that doe eyed look in her eyes or you have always had the longing of raising your own mini me.
Well before you do the duvet shuffle, here are a few steps to ensure you are ready for kids



Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, Thomas the Tank Engine and Playhouse Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers[/b]

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work


I have two myself and my fiancee has a little one as well. Together we can testify that all of the above is true
So true
Old 18 February 2010, 08:59 AM
  #3  
stilover
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Hmmm, let me think? Do I want children?


Never, never, never, never, never.

For all the above reasons. That, and I'm a selfish impatient tw*t.
Old 18 February 2010, 09:07 AM
  #4  
metz
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Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, Thomas the Tank Engine and Playhouse Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

If i have to listen to captain feathersword saying "well blow me down" one more time im gunna stab myself in the ears with a pencil.

Our television has only 1 channel Cbeebies! and the dvd player only plays wiggles or peppa pig!
Old 18 February 2010, 10:37 AM
  #5  
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Thats put me off for another 18 months at least, please feel free to drag this post up in around 18 months time for my benefit!
Old 18 February 2010, 10:38 AM
  #6  
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Originally Posted by metz
Our television has only 1 channel Cbeebies! and the dvd player only plays wiggles or peppa pig!
That would be the Justin bloody Fletcher channel then?

... and Waybuloo could be improved no end with the use of 2 dozen claymore mines.
Old 18 February 2010, 10:42 AM
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But, despite all of this, I wouldn't change them for the world
Old 18 February 2010, 10:42 AM
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LOL, Justin has made a mint out of acting like a ****! We watch it that much i find myself shouting "Mr Tumble" when the damn things on.
And waybuloo..no wonder kids are daft these days watching that tripe, what is it they call kids on there "cheebies" or something?
Whatever happened to inspector gadget and dangermous!
Old 18 February 2010, 10:44 AM
  #9  
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Originally Posted by JonMc
But, despite all of this, I wouldn't change them for the world
Too True fella, Mines 3 going on 33. She teaches me something new everyday!
Old 18 February 2010, 10:46 AM
  #10  
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You live and learn... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chibi_(term)
Old 18 February 2010, 10:47 AM
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And to think you could be really luckylike us and have identical twins in which case take all the above and times by 2
Old 18 February 2010, 10:53 AM
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Hell Swiss, you've brought it all back! And I thought I had got over it. Think I need counselling now.

Very good though!

Les
Old 18 February 2010, 10:57 AM
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Pah. The wife's booked in for a c-section (breech) on the 2/3/10 for our first, we can't wait
Old 18 February 2010, 11:05 AM
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I know this isn't a serious thread but to be serious for a moment, you will miss out on one of lifes best "bits".

PMSL at the first post though

TX.

Originally Posted by stilover
Hmmm, let me think? Do I want children?

Never, never, never, never, never.

For all the above reasons. That, and I'm a selfish impatient tw*t.
Old 18 February 2010, 11:06 AM
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Hope to see all your view when they reach 18 years old
1. you will be pennyless
2.can't wait for them to get there own place
3.wish you had not had kids
BUT YOU WILL STILL LOVE THEM TO BITS
Old 18 February 2010, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by tkws5606
And to think you could be really luckylike us and have identical twins in which case take all the above and times by 2

Boy/Girl twins is tough enough for me thanks

It's not really twice the effort though is it? more like 1.8 times the effort although they still tie me up in knots!
Old 18 February 2010, 11:35 AM
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Brilliant post - you missed out the complexity factor.

One child is at least ten times harder than you ever imagined.

And two children do not increase that mathematically, or geometrically but lograrithmically!

We have two and they are very cute (when they are not the spawn of satan!)
Old 18 February 2010, 11:40 AM
  #18  
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Originally Posted by Terminator X
I know this isn't a serious thread but to be serious for a moment, you will miss out on one of lifes best "bits".

PMSL at the first post though

TX.
I'm sure I'll survive without a little horror calling me Daddy.

Even the thought of that makes me shudder.
Old 18 February 2010, 12:06 PM
  #19  
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Originally Posted by stilover
I'm sure I'll survive without a little horror calling me Daddy.

Even the thought of that makes me shudder.
You would be surprised. When a small angelic little faced imp is staring at you and saying 'Daddy' you cant help but moved. Even when they have been really really bad and I mean really bad, the remorse that you feel after shouting and telling them off is indescribable. They of course have no such feelings

It is not for everybody this parenting malarky and I know that my parents are listening to me moaning about this and that and just chuckling away
Old 18 February 2010, 12:43 PM
  #20  
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I have a 5 year old son. I need about 6 months worth of sleep. He drives me insane but he is also the funniest and cutest little sod. When I got in from work last night, he was watching Spongebob. I said "hello". He glanced up, grinned a wicked grin and said "Whatever" and went straight back to watching TV. Don't you just love 'em?
Old 18 February 2010, 01:06 PM
  #21  
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If I had said that to my dad I would have got a clip round the ear!

Les
Old 18 February 2010, 02:47 PM
  #22  
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Originally Posted by Leslie
If I had said that to my dad I would have got a clip round the ear!

Les
He got a telling off and was reminded how important it is to be polite. My ear clipping hand was itching throughout, though
Old 18 February 2010, 02:57 PM
  #23  
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Originally Posted by Flaps
Pah. The wife's booked in for a c-section (breech) on the 2/3/10 for our first, we can't wait
That's how or second arrived, stubborn as hell and wouldn't move so time for the section.

It'll be the best day of your life mate
Old 18 February 2010, 03:03 PM
  #24  
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Originally Posted by Hanley
That's how or second arrived, stubborn as hell and wouldn't move so time for the section.

It'll be the best day of your life mate
Then the very next day, for the next 18 years, will be the worst.

At 18, you can chuck them out.
Old 18 February 2010, 06:18 PM
  #25  
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Fair enough, natural selection at its best I guess

TX.

Originally Posted by stilover
I'm sure I'll survive without a little horror calling me Daddy.

Even the thought of that makes me shudder.
Old 18 February 2010, 07:39 PM
  #26  
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this is all so true
Old 18 February 2010, 09:57 PM
  #27  
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Must kill Peppa Pig.......
Old 18 February 2010, 10:09 PM
  #28  
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You forgot Test 15 - Nappy changing!

Get a small (and slightly pissed off) dog and a damp tea towel

Fill the damp tea towel with 3 cartons of chocolate pudding and then fashion it to the small dog using masking tape and then attempt to clean up the dog and replace damp/soiled tea towel with a new dry one.

Time allowed 2 min.
Old 18 February 2010, 11:02 PM
  #29  
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...on a packed train with no nappy changing table!
Old 19 February 2010, 01:59 PM
  #30  
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Originally Posted by NotoriousREV
He got a telling off and was reminded how important it is to be polite. My ear clipping hand was itching throughout, though
Yes I can guess how you felt. My dad was a bit prone to doing that at first, but we got along very well later.

Les
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