Alg

Over this last week we've been looking after a good friend's 14 year old Daughter whilst the good friend works away.
The good friend is a single Mum and the daughter is a right handful.
The Daughter is starting to stay out beyond the time her Mum wants her home, mixes with some alky, slappery, druggie (of the same age) and I think is just becoming sexually aware. She is a real mouthy problem for her Mum.
She stayed with us and because I don't take any cra p from her she behaves herself when she's here. She mainly sits on my laptop on Facebook and other social networking sites.
Her Mum asks me to have a word with the Daughter at different times about various things and we've discussed drugs, alcohol, the fact that teenage boys will tell her anything just to get in her pants amongst other things.
Tonight when she left my house (her Mum was here with her also) I thought I'd check her browsing history to see if she was going to get herself into trouble.
I found that she'd been translating various text into Polish and Ukrainian the strongest of which is "me and you in bed sex" so you can guess what most of it was about. She also left a social network page open and I could see messages she'd sent to loads of lads/blokes and their replies. I didn't read them all but they were replying as blokes do when they're getting hit on by a pretty teenage girl. Various sexual situations were being discussed, and she amazingly has become a year older on this site too!!
The problem I'd like advice on is:
Do I tell the Mum what's going on?
The Daughter trusts me and discusses boys with me and where she's been. She doesn't discuss these things with her Mum.
If I tell her Mum, the Mum will go absolutely mad and go postal on her Daughter.
The Daughter then won't discuss anything with me and I won't be able to know if she's heading for grief.
If I don't tell the Mum and the Daughter gets herself into trouble it'll be partially my fault.
I figure I should tell the Mum because as a parent i'd like to be told and let her sort it.
Should I have a talk with the Daughter? (this will likely make her clam up and I can't see her changing what she's doing anyhow.)
Am I out of order intruding in her private life? Is this just what teenage Daughters do? Should I just forget about it all and do nothing.

Sensible advice needed please.
This forum is the "most sensible" of those I'm registered with so good or bad it's you I'm going to ask.

dazdavies

iTrader: (22)

Tricky one mate. Very much a case of damned if you do damned if you don't.

One thing I will say is that it would appear you have the girls trust. It would be very hard to get back and her finding out you've been checking up on here will probably ruin that trust. She wont see it as you looking out for her she'll see it as you spying on her.

The only way to deal with it is that between you and her mum come up with some story that it was her mum that discovered everything on your computer. That way your trust will possibly stay intact.

corradoboy

Child Exploitation & Online Protection Centre - internet safety - CEOP

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

The Internet is a different place now and a lot of young girls and guys do "play" around on here.

Problem is working out if she is smart enough to leave it at that ?

Some flirting and cyber chats wont hurt her, but if she starting sending personal details or even person photos it could ruin her life.

I would pick a secret option of lying.

Tell her you "friends" daughter who is 13 just started chatting to some bloke who said he was 17 and had a car. She sent him photos and such and met up with him in the local park. The man turned out to be 46 ... blah blah blah ..

Do it when her mum is there and other people .. Oh you just reminded me of a story I heard ...

I dunno if it would work but it would make her think ..

Trout

iTrader: (1)

I find it hard to believe that an internet aware 14 year old would leave their FB page open for you to read by accident? Unless it wasn't and merely had her 'Remember Me' option on.

If it is was the former then maybe she wanted you to read it?

CEOPs might be a way forward - however it may be true in the real world as well - lots of girls do become sexually active at the age of 14 - it may not be the norm but it is not really the exception either.

My advice would be to put aside your own moral judgement and look at it from her perspective in an order of priority.

Her personal safety is paramount - reinforce with her that you are someone she can trust and someone she can turn to if she gets out of her depth.

Her sexual safety comes next - you may want to advise her that being sexually active is not the best idea; but if she is going down that path then to make sure she is protected. You can put her in touch with her local Family Planning - they will give her unbiased advice.

Lastly, but also very importantly, her emotional safety comes next. Reassure her that you are someone you can trust. Give her someone to talk to. Perhaps even check in with her teachers, the school may be able to help, there may be a counsellor or they may be able to advise there is someone she can talk to.

First and foremost though, I would suggest not breaking her trust. At the moment you are 'judging' her situation from your values and see that to satisfy for your view of the world you are prepared to transgress hers.

Work with her from her perspective - demonstrate to her that adults can be trusted to treat her with maturity.

yellowevo

iTrader: (25)

Excellent advice there

Leslie

Thats good advice from Trout.

I think you went a long way to answering your own question. Telling her mother would be a mistake I think because you would lose any trust as you say and the mother would make things even worse I bet.

I don't think you would be interfering since she trusts you and you are only trying to do what is best for her. She may well regard you in the light of the father she has not had.

I think you might try to discuss what she does on the laptop without telling her you saw what she had in fact been up to. You can get those points about the dangers across to her and how easy it is to get into real trouble. Somehow to do any good I think you have to remain in the same relationship in that you can discuss boys etc. with her. If you refer her to any kind of authority I reckon you would lose her trust completely.

It might be wise to find out exactly what she has been downloading as well for your own protection in case there is something that should not be on your computer.

Les

jammer1984

im no expert at this kind of thing so im sure someone will shoot me down here!

perhaps you can use a scare tactic? this way she doesnt know you have checked up on her and it may scare enough to stop her doing what she is doing!

you could say that you had a phone call from the police as your IP adress has been receiving emails from a registered sex offender.

this way you dont have to press her for answers but she will tell you about what she has been upto if she wants to.

Spoon

You want the trust of a 14 year old girl that isn't yours? You'd rather keep it from her Mother now? Just be extremely careful this doesn't blow up in your face because I'll bet she'll do exactly what she wants to do regardless. You holding information back from her Mother might not look good if accusations start flying.

Good luck.

DCI Gene Hunt

Send her here..... www.scoobynet.com if that doesn't scare her.......

stilover

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Telling her mother will cause all sorts of argument's and she'll hate you for it. Any trust there was, will be gone forever.

As said above, don't tell the mother, and if something happens, you'll get the blame. Also, be very carefull when talking to a 14 year old girl about sex and relationships, even if your intentions are good and you are looking out for the girls welfare.

Break the girls trust, and one word to the police about sex talk, and you'll find yourself under caution. Try explaining your way out of that. The Monther won't listen, as this will be the first she's heard of it, and will think you're just trying to talk your way out of it. All she'll see is a dirty old man grooming her daughter for sex.

Me? I'd just ignore it and let it all play out.

David Lock

So is there any relationship between dad and the girl?

Why is mum away when clearly her daughter needs some home stability? I am guessing for financial reasons

Does she attend school regularly and does she have any school mates? Steering her towards some school chums can help.

I would contact the school as it can't do any harm but I am not sure what they would tell a non family member, they might want a note from mum. I would not tell the girl about this.

I would not break the girl's trust in you. You can tell mum that you must keep some of the confidences.

Does she have a hobby that you could nurture?

Tricky situation though and I wish you all the best..

dl

Alg

Thanks for all the advice. Plenty to think about.
To clear some points up:
Social Services are involved due to the Daughter's poor attendance at school and the Mother's poor management of the Daughter's diabetes.
There's no discussion about sex, just that boys will tell her anything to get her into bed.
There's no contact with the girl's Father and she has asked me if I'd be her Godfather. The Mum knows this.
I don't consider that I'm judging the girl's situation from my own values. More from the Mum's values and I'm sure she'd like to know what was going on.
She hasn't been downloading anything dodgy as I've checked.
Looking at some of the blokes on the social networking site they certainly look older then here and some definitely look like they're in their twenties.
She didn't leave the site open (it wasn't facebook) she just didn't log out and when I was going over the browsing history I could get back into it.

I think I'm going to do 2 things:
1/ Tell her she's not going to be allowed on my computer when she comes round (She sometimes brings her "family" laptop round and logs onto my network) I think I'll tell her she can't do that either.
2/ Forget about it and just let her get on with it.

Thanks again

Quasi Modo

Probably a long shot, but wouldn't the CAB or someone like that be able to advise you?
On the one hand you want some sort of trust, but on the other you don't want secrets coming out down the line and everyone looking at you as a scapegoat coz they were in the dark and you weren't. You can just hear that "What else have you held back"?
Get some professional advice if i were you mate on the quiet.

stilover

Good plan. Unless she ask's you directly for help, stay out of it.

Trout

iTrader: (1)

Fair point - what I had picked up on was that she was being 'judged' outside of her context and you were not thinking of yours, rather her mother's. I still stand that it helps to look at it from her perspective.

If you want to be her Godfather then love her anyway whatever she does and reassure her that you are there for her as an adult she can trust.

Good luck

my06 ppp silver

iTrader: (2)

what i was thinking tbh. my mum works for child protection- social services. and the amount of young girls ready to ruin mens lives for simply "being there" is very sad. ok so dont tar them all with the same brush but also dont be naive. i would recommend against any private 1 to 1 meetings for your own good.

ritchie21

If social services are involved with this girl, I really would speak to her social worker quietly about this and explain what it is you've seen and what your concerns are.

I have defended many people in your situation, where false allegations have been made against someone who has previously been seen by the accuser as a 'father figure' to them.

harsh as it may sound, you need to be thinking about protecting yourself here.

astraboy

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're Godparent to this child, are you not responsible for her spiritual and moral wellbeing?

I think at the minimum you should be a good rolemodel for this girl. If she has asked you to do this then it puts you in a stronger position of authority.

This is why doing nothing is absolutely the wrong thing to do. You have suspiscions, you need to act on them. If you take your duties at all seriously, you need to act on them. Think of how you'll feel if you do nothing and she ends up in a ditch with her throat cut...

Okay you might get shouted at, but all you have to say is "That's what Godparents do".

I also think its right to guard yourself. Which is, as has mentioned previously, why contacting CEOP is a good idea.

Do it today, they might be meeting tomorrow for all you know.
astraboy.

scoobynutta555

He's not the Godparent.

I'd be quite wary of this girl TBH. Sounds like if she doesn't get her way then you'll be in the firing line.