A GUIDE TO DUMPING AT WORK.
17 November 2008, 04:15 AM
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A GUIDE TO DUMPING AT WORK.
A GUIDE TO DUMPING AT WORK.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the dumplog hits the water and the dump is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the dump has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER
Definition: A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Dumper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Dumper before entering the bathroom.
THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A dumper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so thedumper can dump in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
EMERGENCY ESCAPE MATTRESS
Definition: A large wad of toilet paper placed on top of the toilet water prior to dumping. Especially useful if a WATERMELON is imminent. In extreme cases try using a CAMO-COUGH with an EMERGENCY ESCAPE MATTRESS.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pan. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in, check for other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK HOUSE
Definition: A high-traffic bathroom which is rarely cleaned. Tell tale signs of a CRACK HOUSE include pubes, **** stains and **** streaks. Avoid a CRACK HOUSE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK HOUSE can become a SAFE HAVEN
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the dumplog hits the water and the dump is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the dump has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER
Definition: A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Dumper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Dumper before entering the bathroom.
THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A dumper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so thedumper can dump in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
EMERGENCY ESCAPE MATTRESS
Definition: A large wad of toilet paper placed on top of the toilet water prior to dumping. Especially useful if a WATERMELON is imminent. In extreme cases try using a CAMO-COUGH with an EMERGENCY ESCAPE MATTRESS.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pan. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in, check for other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK HOUSE
Definition: A high-traffic bathroom which is rarely cleaned. Tell tale signs of a CRACK HOUSE include pubes, **** stains and **** streaks. Avoid a CRACK HOUSE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK HOUSE can become a SAFE HAVEN
17 November 2008, 11:04 AM
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17 November 2008, 11:05 AM
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Slightly off-topic, but what is it with American toilets? The cubicles are nothing more than three side walls with at least an inch gap between each one. Most disconcerting.
Steve
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17 November 2008, 11:16 AM
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17 November 2008, 11:26 AM
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17 November 2008, 12:26 PM
#15
Here's another one on the same subject.
The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl. So, where did it go?
The Clean poo -
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo-
You wipe your bum fifty times and it still feels dirty. So you end up putting toilet paper between your bum and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo-
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed. Cold water up your bum is not very pleasant, even though you tried to warm it up by peeing in it first.
The Second Wave Poo-
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize....there's more to come.
The Brain Haemorrhage Poo-
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis.You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple, and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with a stick or toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo-
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo-
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo-
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear you were giving birth to a 12lb baby.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo-
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo-
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo-
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.
The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl. So, where did it go?
The Clean poo -
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo-
You wipe your bum fifty times and it still feels dirty. So you end up putting toilet paper between your bum and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo-
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed. Cold water up your bum is not very pleasant, even though you tried to warm it up by peeing in it first.
The Second Wave Poo-
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize....there's more to come.
The Brain Haemorrhage Poo-
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis.You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple, and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with a stick or toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo-
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo-
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo-
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear you were giving birth to a 12lb baby.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo-
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo-
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo-
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.
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