Time for some international jokes on SN!
05 June 2008, 12:35 PM
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Time for some international jokes on SN!
Starting off with the Germans!
Now, many think this fine country lacks a sense of humour, however, this is simply not true, as this selection of crackers demonstrates!
GERMAN JOKES
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Ns04
Now, many think this fine country lacks a sense of humour, however, this is simply not true, as this selection of crackers demonstrates!
GERMAN JOKES
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Ns04
05 June 2008, 12:50 PM
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OK
How many eastern europeans does it take to change a lightbulb?
WGAF - as long at the lightbulb is in eastern Europe and not here!
Or "no understaaand, veech vay too ze benefeeets offficeeee?"
How many eastern europeans does it take to change a lightbulb?
WGAF - as long at the lightbulb is in eastern Europe and not here!
Or "no understaaand, veech vay too ze benefeeets offficeeee?"
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05 June 2008, 12:53 PM
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I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African man, and two Homosexuals.
... didn't stay long.
... didn't stay long.
05 June 2008, 12:56 PM
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
05 June 2008, 01:00 PM
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In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:
He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the American
He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.
However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..
he has..
ready...
He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Frenchman
He has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the Frenchman
He has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the Frenchman
He has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the Frenchman
He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the American
He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.
However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..
he has..
ready...
He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Frenchman
He has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the Frenchman
He has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the Frenchman
He has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the Frenchman
He has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
05 June 2008, 02:35 PM
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a bloke walks into a bakers shop and says "a loaf of bread please"
the assistant says "brown or white"
he says "its doesnt matter, i've got my bike outside"
the assistant says "brown or white"
he says "its doesnt matter, i've got my bike outside"
05 June 2008, 03:07 PM
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05 June 2008, 10:03 PM
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Paddy and Murphy are my particular favourites.....
Paddy and Murphy were both laid off, so they went to the dole office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, ''Knicker stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'' The clerk looked up knicker elastic on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployed pay.
Murphy was next in and when asked his occupation replied, ''Diesel Fitter.''
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Murphy £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was FURIOUS! He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the pay.
The clerk explained, ''knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and
Diesel fitters are skilled labour.''
''What skill?'' yelled Paddy. ''I sew da elastic on da knickers and
thongs then Murphy puts 'em on over his head and says, ''Yep, diesel fitter.''
Cyril.
Paddy and Murphy were both laid off, so they went to the dole office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, ''Knicker stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'' The clerk looked up knicker elastic on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployed pay.
Murphy was next in and when asked his occupation replied, ''Diesel Fitter.''
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Murphy £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was FURIOUS! He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the pay.
The clerk explained, ''knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and
Diesel fitters are skilled labour.''
''What skill?'' yelled Paddy. ''I sew da elastic on da knickers and
thongs then Murphy puts 'em on over his head and says, ''Yep, diesel fitter.''
Cyril.
06 June 2008, 09:05 AM
#20
06 June 2008, 09:12 AM
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A joke about the Americans
Why did the crew of the Nasa space shuttle go to the moon ? because they were trying to find gravity.I wondered why the non swimming Americans went to the moon.
Ffs no gravity around the moon, men of Scoobynet.
Geddit?
Cyril
Ffs no gravity around the moon, men of Scoobynet.
Geddit?
Cyril
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