Kids Parties, never again.
01 June 2008, 07:45 PM
#1
Kids Parties, never again.
Jesus Christ, what have I done to have deserved that ?
My youngest was nine a couple of weeks back but because of other commitments we had the party today, As luck would have it, it was p1ssing down, fantastic the little darlings couldn't go outside.
Gone are the days of just laying on some Butties, Cheese and Pineapple on sticks and some primary coloured biscuits with enough E numbers to border on the hallucinogenic. Few party games, bish, bash, bosh.
No, we laid on the food and as entertainment a bloke from the local Chocolate shop who basically filled some molds with warm chocolate, stuck them in the freezer and then pissed off, relieving me of a large wad of cash for about an hour and a half, saying that he kind of earnt it dealing with twenty 8 or 9 year olds, all off their **** on Fruit Shoots and Wotsits. the scary thing is that after having twenty kids coughing, sneezing and farting near the chocolate he took it back, I said it seemed a waste and he said it goes back in the mix, so I suspect there may be a higher than usual concentration of Snot and Wotsit particles in their products this week.
I was put in charge of pass the parcel which I don't remember involving a rugby scrum, punching and biting, I pointed out that the parcel did not contain the Holy Grail, a gold watch or a gram of crack, simply some random tat from Tesco, this did nothing to quell the spirit of enthusiastic competition, it amazes me how kids dropped off in Range Rovers and all manner of blingy motors can get violent over a 2 quid pen. Another game involved throwing a six on a dice, putting on gloves hat and scarf, then trying to cut a piece of chocolate off a block on a plate with a knife and fork, I knew the cuttelry was a bad idea, one was cutting and another throwing the dice, the dice went onto the plate where "Todd Flanders" as I call him was stabbing as hard as he could with the knife and the inevitable happened and he managed to stab the 1/4 scale Jools Holland replica with a squint square on one of his little cloven hooves, he let out a yelp, I was expecting it to be severed as Flanders was going for it but though I think it hurt the desire for a cube of own brand Milk Chocolate was too great to let a mere flesh wound distract him
Some of the kids are just plain odd, in fact three are verging on special needs, I spent some time on the Cub camp and one of them during the Den Building thing spent the whole time with his hands down his pants and kept pissing up the dens, he arrived today, hands still down pants, obviously I was worried about p1ssings in the house, needless to say i didn't fancy any of the left over food after OddBod had been turning the Kettle Chips Wotsit flavour.
I cant cope with them whining at me, I can cope with most of them but some just wind me up, I think the pathetic little gits get to much sympathy, so I say "maybe next time" or "Unlucky" I want to say, "LEARN TO CATCH YOU DEACONIST" or "SHUT UP YOU WHINGEING LITTLE TURD, NOW F*CK OFF OUT OF MY FACE", because they stick their ratty little faces right in my space breathing crisp fumes at me, all orange teeth, theres me being child freindly, goofy fun dad, now its an act I can muster for about a hour before I feel like populating the local spinal injuries unit with some new patients.
Some of them look like mutants as well, in the past people would have kept things like that in the attic so as not to bring shame on the family. I amuse myself by saying things like "Did your mother have any children that lived ?" or
"What species are you ?"
I was in the final stretch, they were all getting ready to go so I was happy as it was almost over, we had cheated and bought a bright green football cake from Costco, about a square metre of unatrually green, very goey, tooth achingly sweet, industrial strength party cake, so we had done the candles bit and I was busily cutting it up and putting it in the obligatory napkin for inclusion into the party bag, I had done about half and got most of them sorted with a piece when I had a sudden shock, in my elation and confusion I had allowed the piece of silver board it was on to edge out over the side of the worktop, so I had the side with no cake with a hand on it when it slid like the Gold at the end of the Italian job over the edge, no cliffhanger here, just a mound of cake on the floor, daggers from the wife as I went "Bollocks" loudly as an automatic reaction to dropping a pound or two of cake on the floor, I had been mentally calculating how much I would have left and there it was in a pile on the lino.
I stood there in disbelief, nooooooooo, no cake for me and still four party bags unfilled, when the most mutated of the kids, a cycloptic gargoyle with Shrek like ears and a thousand yard stare dived for it "Caaaaake", grabbed as much as could and started cramming it in his gob, he had a few mouthfulls and then he decided to "Spiderman" (look it up) the remaining icing, it went everywhere, he stood in it as well and then wiped it down his shirt. I am glad there wasnt any left as I tasted it and it was horrid, plus its stained the lino, there is a seemingly permanent green glow where it fell, that cant be good for you, J4ckos mate once stuffed his face with Blue party cake icing and then did purple wee, he went to the doctors thinking he had cancer
We now have twenty assorted presents, its obscene, he got loads the other week, now he has twenty or so more, just more landfill.
The parents came to pick their little darlings up, some I have to add aren't bad kids but whatever you think when asked by the parent "Has he been good", I say yes "Yes, he's been great" when i want to say so many other things like,
"Is that one yours, god you look normal !"
"No, hes a little c*nt, you have my sympathy"
"Its alright, He didn't draw blood, my Tetanus is up to date"
"He is going to be famous, not for something good"
"Do you know a Priest, one who specialises in Excorcism"
"Will your pets go near him ?"
"He's here, you can try coaxing him out of the tree"
It makes me thing that some blokes just say they are paedos so they never have to go near bloody kids.
So, now, I have dispatched our three of upstairs, we have a Chinese on order and some wine open, all is well with the world again.
Thank you, its been Cathartic....
My youngest was nine a couple of weeks back but because of other commitments we had the party today, As luck would have it, it was p1ssing down, fantastic the little darlings couldn't go outside.
Gone are the days of just laying on some Butties, Cheese and Pineapple on sticks and some primary coloured biscuits with enough E numbers to border on the hallucinogenic. Few party games, bish, bash, bosh.
No, we laid on the food and as entertainment a bloke from the local Chocolate shop who basically filled some molds with warm chocolate, stuck them in the freezer and then pissed off, relieving me of a large wad of cash for about an hour and a half, saying that he kind of earnt it dealing with twenty 8 or 9 year olds, all off their **** on Fruit Shoots and Wotsits. the scary thing is that after having twenty kids coughing, sneezing and farting near the chocolate he took it back, I said it seemed a waste and he said it goes back in the mix, so I suspect there may be a higher than usual concentration of Snot and Wotsit particles in their products this week.
I was put in charge of pass the parcel which I don't remember involving a rugby scrum, punching and biting, I pointed out that the parcel did not contain the Holy Grail, a gold watch or a gram of crack, simply some random tat from Tesco, this did nothing to quell the spirit of enthusiastic competition, it amazes me how kids dropped off in Range Rovers and all manner of blingy motors can get violent over a 2 quid pen. Another game involved throwing a six on a dice, putting on gloves hat and scarf, then trying to cut a piece of chocolate off a block on a plate with a knife and fork, I knew the cuttelry was a bad idea, one was cutting and another throwing the dice, the dice went onto the plate where "Todd Flanders" as I call him was stabbing as hard as he could with the knife and the inevitable happened and he managed to stab the 1/4 scale Jools Holland replica with a squint square on one of his little cloven hooves, he let out a yelp, I was expecting it to be severed as Flanders was going for it but though I think it hurt the desire for a cube of own brand Milk Chocolate was too great to let a mere flesh wound distract him
Some of the kids are just plain odd, in fact three are verging on special needs, I spent some time on the Cub camp and one of them during the Den Building thing spent the whole time with his hands down his pants and kept pissing up the dens, he arrived today, hands still down pants, obviously I was worried about p1ssings in the house, needless to say i didn't fancy any of the left over food after OddBod had been turning the Kettle Chips Wotsit flavour.
I cant cope with them whining at me, I can cope with most of them but some just wind me up, I think the pathetic little gits get to much sympathy, so I say "maybe next time" or "Unlucky" I want to say, "LEARN TO CATCH YOU DEACONIST" or "SHUT UP YOU WHINGEING LITTLE TURD, NOW F*CK OFF OUT OF MY FACE", because they stick their ratty little faces right in my space breathing crisp fumes at me, all orange teeth, theres me being child freindly, goofy fun dad, now its an act I can muster for about a hour before I feel like populating the local spinal injuries unit with some new patients.
Some of them look like mutants as well, in the past people would have kept things like that in the attic so as not to bring shame on the family. I amuse myself by saying things like "Did your mother have any children that lived ?" or
"What species are you ?"
I was in the final stretch, they were all getting ready to go so I was happy as it was almost over, we had cheated and bought a bright green football cake from Costco, about a square metre of unatrually green, very goey, tooth achingly sweet, industrial strength party cake, so we had done the candles bit and I was busily cutting it up and putting it in the obligatory napkin for inclusion into the party bag, I had done about half and got most of them sorted with a piece when I had a sudden shock, in my elation and confusion I had allowed the piece of silver board it was on to edge out over the side of the worktop, so I had the side with no cake with a hand on it when it slid like the Gold at the end of the Italian job over the edge, no cliffhanger here, just a mound of cake on the floor, daggers from the wife as I went "Bollocks" loudly as an automatic reaction to dropping a pound or two of cake on the floor, I had been mentally calculating how much I would have left and there it was in a pile on the lino.
I stood there in disbelief, nooooooooo, no cake for me and still four party bags unfilled, when the most mutated of the kids, a cycloptic gargoyle with Shrek like ears and a thousand yard stare dived for it "Caaaaake", grabbed as much as could and started cramming it in his gob, he had a few mouthfulls and then he decided to "Spiderman" (look it up) the remaining icing, it went everywhere, he stood in it as well and then wiped it down his shirt. I am glad there wasnt any left as I tasted it and it was horrid, plus its stained the lino, there is a seemingly permanent green glow where it fell, that cant be good for you, J4ckos mate once stuffed his face with Blue party cake icing and then did purple wee, he went to the doctors thinking he had cancer
We now have twenty assorted presents, its obscene, he got loads the other week, now he has twenty or so more, just more landfill.
The parents came to pick their little darlings up, some I have to add aren't bad kids but whatever you think when asked by the parent "Has he been good", I say yes "Yes, he's been great" when i want to say so many other things like,
"Is that one yours, god you look normal !"
"No, hes a little c*nt, you have my sympathy"
"Its alright, He didn't draw blood, my Tetanus is up to date"
"He is going to be famous, not for something good"
"Do you know a Priest, one who specialises in Excorcism"
"Will your pets go near him ?"
"He's here, you can try coaxing him out of the tree"
It makes me thing that some blokes just say they are paedos so they never have to go near bloody kids.
So, now, I have dispatched our three of upstairs, we have a Chinese on order and some wine open, all is well with the world again.
Thank you, its been Cathartic....
01 June 2008, 09:13 PM
#5
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[quote=J4CKO;7911870 dealing with twenty 8 or 9 year olds, all off their **** on Fruit Shoots and Wotsits. the scary thing is that after having twenty kids coughing, sneezing and farting near the chocolate he took it back, I said it seemed a waste and he said it goes back in the mix, so I suspect there may be a higher than usual concentration of Snot and Wotsit particles in their products this week.[/quote]
You have my deepest sympathy
You have my deepest sympathy
01 June 2008, 09:18 PM
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>I cant cope with them whining at me, I can cope with most of them but some just wind me up, I think the pathetic little gits get to much sympathy, so I say "maybe next time" or "Unlucky" I want to say, "LEARN TO CATCH YOU DEACONIST" or "SHUT UP YOU WHINGEING LITTLE TURD, NOW F*CK OFF OUT OF MY FACE", because they stick their ratty little faces right in my space breathing crisp fumes at me, all orange teeth, theres me being child freindly, goofy fun dad, now its an act I can muster for about a hour before I feel like populating the local spinal injuries unit with some new patients.
that paragraph has just had me in tears
absolute ******* classic
that paragraph has just had me in tears
absolute ******* classic
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01 June 2008, 09:37 PM
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Just made my missus read this and we were both in fits of laughter!!
How very true it all is.. .my daughters got her 6th birthday party on Saturday....
If I could give you a big plus rating, I would. (but I can't)
That must be the best post of the year so far 
How very true it all is.. .my daughters got her 6th birthday party on Saturday....
If I could give you a big plus rating, I would. (but I can't)
That must be the best post of the year so far
01 June 2008, 09:41 PM
#11
****
Its a sod'in nightmare
This year we are thinking of a trip to Cadbury World but with a max of 6 little darlings. I lie - "we"? Nowt to do with me but I will end up driving 2.5 hrs there and back
Last year was a "Camp Over" but at least after 8 hrs as I was a bloke I HAD to sleep indoors amongst 8x 8 yr olds. I was not sober either lol
Yr before wasn't too bad as it was a 2 hr with entertainers (tricks etc) but the logistics are a nightmare
Before that, I don't know how I survived 30 little (fecking) apples running complete chaos with nish assistance & a stressing wife who got annoyed with me as pass the parcel didn't happen as they were out of control!
I guess all these things pale into insignificance before the "Birthday Treat" which somehow wife has contrived to happen too. I mean, ffs, a party then a treat afterwards? We have done Legoland x2 & Pleasurewood Hills x2. She wonders why I have a sense of humour failure...
This year - nfw
Its a sod'in nightmare
This year we are thinking of a trip to Cadbury World but with a max of 6 little darlings. I lie - "we"? Nowt to do with me but I will end up driving 2.5 hrs there and back
Last year was a "Camp Over" but at least after 8 hrs as I was a bloke I HAD to sleep indoors amongst 8x 8 yr olds. I was not sober either lol
Yr before wasn't too bad as it was a 2 hr with entertainers (tricks etc) but the logistics are a nightmare
Before that, I don't know how I survived
30 little (fecking) apples running complete chaos with nish assistance & a stressing wife who got annoyed with me as pass the parcel didn't happen as they were out of control!I guess all these things pale into insignificance before the "Birthday Treat" which somehow wife has contrived to happen too. I mean, ffs, a party then a treat afterwards? We have done Legoland x2 & Pleasurewood Hills x2. She wonders why I have a sense of humour failure...
This year - nfw
01 June 2008, 09:44 PM
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Jacko, your on fire at the moment
Local village hall is being hired for my oldest's 10th birthday, i will let his mother stress, i will just supply the entertainers & the hall
01 June 2008, 10:07 PM
#13
for the last 4 yrs,ive only had to deal with 3 or so kids parties.
Now they both go to school,christ,its 1 every other weekend !
hate them,i look around and see 95% women at most of them,cool you`d say,nope,there all heffers or pug ugly, i think,where are all the blokes,ah yes,down the pub like proper men,theres me, 21st century dad,gettin involed with my kids life..............
feel your pain man..
huf....
Now they both go to school,christ,its 1 every other weekend !
hate them,i look around and see 95% women at most of them,cool you`d say,nope,there all heffers or pug ugly, i think,where are all the blokes,ah yes,down the pub like proper men,theres me, 21st century dad,gettin involed with my kids life..............
feel your pain man..
huf....
01 June 2008, 10:10 PM
#14
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[quote=pete higham;7912181 had me in tears
absolute ******* classic [/quote]
thank fu*k it had someone else in tears the wife thought I had lost the plot
.
absolute ******* classic
[/quote]thank fu*k it had someone else in tears the wife thought I had lost the plot
.
01 June 2008, 11:34 PM
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really good read.theres no way id consider getting a house full of kids,we rent the local leisure sports hall they do football and scooter parties,much better to let them smash up someone elses property.
02 June 2008, 06:39 AM
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The parents came to pick their little darlings up, some I have to add aren't bad kids but whatever you think when asked by the parent "Has he been good", I say yes "Yes, he's been great" when i want to say so many other things like,
"Is that one yours, god you look normal !"
"No, hes a little c*nt, you have my sympathy"
"Its alright, He didn't draw blood, my Tetanus is up to date"
"He is going to be famous, not for something good"
"Do you know a Priest, one who specialises in Excorcism"
"Will your pets go near him ?"
"He's here, you can try coaxing him out of the tree"
It makes me thing that some blokes just say they are paedos so they never have to go near bloody kids.
"Is that one yours, god you look normal !"
"No, hes a little c*nt, you have my sympathy"
"Its alright, He didn't draw blood, my Tetanus is up to date"
"He is going to be famous, not for something good"
"Do you know a Priest, one who specialises in Excorcism"
"Will your pets go near him ?"
"He's here, you can try coaxing him out of the tree"
It makes me thing that some blokes just say they are paedos so they never have to go near bloody kids.
1 hour left of nightshift i was flagging till i read this .. pure quality
02 June 2008, 08:37 AM
#21
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A J4CKO Sunday night special You do realise you have a standard to uphold now don't you?
In the same way that we expect dire jokes from Swiss on a Friday we expect a funny tale from J4CKO on a Sunday
Anyone else without kids feel free to feel smug here
You do realise you have a standard to uphold now don't you? In the same way that we expect dire jokes from Swiss on a Friday
we expect a funny tale from J4CKO on a Sunday Anyone else without kids feel free to feel smug here
02 June 2008, 08:47 AM
#22
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PMSL, class.
I think my daughter was 3 when I decided a kids party was never going to happen in my house again... Now we only go out somewhere with a group of brats EVERY OTHER YEAR!!! She knows the rules and is OK with it...
I think my daughter was 3 when I decided a kids party was never going to happen in my house again... Now we only go out somewhere with a group of brats EVERY OTHER YEAR!!! She knows the rules and is OK with it...
03 June 2008, 08:34 AM
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hahaha, just brightened up a rainy, miserable day !!!!
you really should publish some of these "observations"!!! lol
Dazza
you really should publish some of these "observations"!!! lol
Dazza
03 June 2008, 12:32 PM
#30
I saw OddBods mum last night (who is a really nice lady) at the leisure centre, I was smirking as I spoke to her thinkign about the thread, I mentioned the cake incident and she said "Well what can you expect" reffering to the "Gargoyle" when hers is almost as mental, then Gargoyles dad appeared and I felt a bit shifty and was hoping they dont read SN !
As for a next installment, I suppose that depends if something amusing happens, my life is not really one long amusing anecdote, its actually, in the main quite dull !
I do keep meaning to do some more writing, fiction, rather than reality jazzed up a bit. I really enjoy it and the kind comments are a real boost.
I need a subject and will be off and running, so if anyone has any ideas they would be gratefully received. I have been thinking of doing a book, sounds a bit pompous perhaps when my only qualification is a few mildly amusing threads on a subaru related BBS, perhaps with you lot could proof read it and tell me if perhaps I should stick to the day job ?
As for a next installment, I suppose that depends if something amusing happens, my life is not really one long amusing anecdote, its actually, in the main quite dull !
I do keep meaning to do some more writing, fiction, rather than reality jazzed up a bit. I really enjoy it and the kind comments are a real boost.
I need a subject and will be off and running, so if anyone has any ideas they would be gratefully received. I have been thinking of doing a book, sounds a bit pompous perhaps when my only qualification is a few mildly amusing threads on a subaru related BBS, perhaps with you lot could proof read it and tell me if perhaps I should stick to the day job ?
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