Jontyclassic"00"

I know this is a bit out there, but here goes......

I have a 5 yr old girl, 6 in January. She lost her mum to cancer when she was 2. At the time, I didn't know what to say, other than something like mummy has gone to heaven. I can't remember what I did say to be honest.

I've since had a partner who couldn't abide the fact I had a daughter from a previous relationship, and so the topic was never discussed. (Been split from ex for nearly a year due to her attitude).

Does anyone know if there are any books available to start to discuss the subject, or know of anyone available to offer advice? I don't want to confuse my daughter or upset her, but one day I know she'll start to ask questions.

Thanks


Jonathan

Norman D. Landing

Now theres a toughy.

Personally (and I've got 3 yr old twin girls who recently lost an uncle) I'd put a photo of her mum up in a frame somewhere and each time she asks who it is explain that it's her mummy who is now in heaven (all religious beliefs aside for the purposes). I presume you don't currently have any pictures of her up as you've had a partner since.

I would expect that she'll come to realise in the coming years that she doesn't have a mummy and her friends do so it will undoubtedly take more explaining later but thats where I'd start for now.

Good luck to you and I hope she's ok.


Edited to say : I think this may be a good idea too. Buy her a locket and put a picture of her mum in it for her to wear, you would think that as she gets older it will become somethign that she treasures and she'll thank you for it later. If you cna stand it perhaps have/wear one yourself so that in the years to come she always thinks that you loved (and maybe still do) her mummy. Easily explainable to future partners given the circumstances.

Again, good luck.

GC8

The only constructive advice that I can offer (based on my experience); is to talk about her regularly, show pictures and otherwise make her a part of her daughters life.

Simon

jods

In my experience, by the time she is old enough to ask THAT question she will be old enough to understand the reality - Put gently of course.

little-ginge

I'd do as above - the locket idea is a really sweet idea. From your post, I am not sure how much you already do this, but talk to her about her mummy. I know she is still a little girl, but you can tell her things her mummy liked, and what she looked like, and how much she loved her.

It will show your daughter that you are happy for her to talk about her mother, and will make things easier for your daughter to accept things.

VJ_STi

iTrader: (1)

The only advice I would give is 'Be honest with her' - you will be amazed at how she takes it and accepts it, but above all talk to her. Don't be surprised if she does not even remember her mum, she may think your ex was her mum, she may not even have any idea as to where her mum is.
Remember that as far as she is concerned the way she has and is living her life will be 'normal'.

To help her to remember her mum then try some of the following :-

1. Make sure she has a photo of her mum

2. Start to get lots of photos out with her and her mum and you all as a family (make her a scrap book)

3. Be positive about her and her Mum and talk about the good times you all shared

4. On special occasions like birthdays/christmas/mothers day etc get your daughter to write cards, do pictures etc for her mum, attach them to a helium balloon and let her let them go, she will visualise them going upto the Angels in Heaven where her mummy is.

5. MAKE SURE you reassure her that your not going to die in the near future as well, because this is something that will scare her even if she does not ask the question.

At the end of the day your her father and you know her better than anyone, so try and put yourself in her shoes and try and viualise how she thinks and feels, then ask her how she feels and what she thinks and answer her questions as honestly as you can.

It's not easy, my little girl (also 6), lost her nanna a few weeks ago and although she cried the day I told her she has been ok since, yes she misses her but then we all do, but we have made a big effort to talk to her about everything and answered all her questions as honestly as we can.

I hope things work out for you and your daughter, and I am glad for your daughters sake your ex is now an EX if any partner finds it hard to accept you have a child by someone else and won't talk about them then they are not worth knowing, your daughters physical and emotional welfare should come first.

David Lock

I can't offer any advice except to suggest that you have a quiet word with her school to let them know what you plan (they may even give you some thoughts). I am sure that anything that is said is best left to you and your gal and before she learns from others or gets the wrong end of the stick from her peer group.

Oddly I lost my dad when I was one but I never thought to ask my mum when I knew properly. d

astraboy

I really like that
astraboy.

r32

I cant begin to offer advice, but I do think that those on here before me seem to have some great ideas, I like the locket and picture idea.
Good luck I wish you and your daughter all the best.

David Lock

Yes the locket is a smashing thought but please keep it in her special drawer at home or wear it on special occasions only. Otherwise it will get lost. The only thing I had of my dads was his old worthless watch and some kid nicked it from my school changing room..... Sorry to be petty.

Brendan Hughes

Nice ideas, but maybe a trained child psychologist might be a good start?