Drunken Bungle Whore

My job means that I'm more prone to this than most and there have been 2 class examples recently.

1. Whilst rummaging through a box of Quality Street in front of my group someone asked which one I was looking for. I replied "I'm just looking for a hard one that I can suck"

2. Not me this time but a colleague conducting Word training and, more specifically, Dictionary files/ templates. As all good trainers do he'd prepared some examples to show the class - both files in his own name. He then uttered the imortal line "As you can see the John file that's a normal document is saved as a .doc, whereas on the second one John has a dic extension"

warrenm2

from IT land...

When we first got the 21" monitors in, and were unpacking them, one of our helpdesk staff (female) was asked to lend a hand, her reply "I can't even handle 17 inches" - at which point there was silence followed by laughter from female/male colleagues and a very embarrassed staff member - her boyfriend worked at the other site and was informed that "he was a very lucky bloke".

RMA26

I'm an advanced user of Excel, at my old spot I was asked to show the Operations Director how to use the Countif function, so instead of physically showing him, I sent him an Email

"The ****if function works on the principal of selecting the range, then specifying the criteria, eg

=****if(a:a, "Mark")

I used the C word lots & my email spellchecker had picked up on the word, as "commonly used", therefore replacing count with **** on sending the email

Luckily he saw the funny side of it! PHEW!

SJ_Skyline

A customer of my former employer went through a 2 hour meeting referring to an application called Cervix... It took us a further day to realise she was going on about Citrix!

lozgti

My wife is good at this.Always coming home with a red face and a story.

Went to the Hairdressers and asked for a cut and *******

Went to the Bakers and asked the lady on the counter if she could look at her nice brown baps

Drunken Bungle Whore

....or there was the time I was running a basic IT session with a group of blokes and I walked in and said "OK - does everyone have a log-on?"

princessyin

My geography teacher at an all girls school once said:

"and the wind comes in from the breast, i mean west"

Freudian slip??

Scooby Snacks 23

Happens all the time - when you go to ask your wife to pass the salt at the dinner table and you end up saying "you've ruined my life bitch"

Iwan

Bloke in my team when we were all on a big conference call, goes to mute his phone but presses the wrong button then says to us across the cube "what the **** is this pr1ck going on about", cue awkward silence as we all tried not to be heard crying with laughter, and an embarrassed/angry manager clearly trying to figure out who just made the comment.

Squizz

My mum proudly told all her friends she was having the lounge re-decorated and a ***** rail installed...

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

i went into my local shop and saw that the plums were reduced to 50p a punnet. i asked the bloke behind the counter why they were reduced.....he said they were too ripe. i felt a plum and found that they were still unripe and asked the bloke if he felt his plums.......................

simo

Sara, this thread is made for you, I am sure that you could fill it on your own

Mine was 'I do'

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

i am biting my tongue

RMA26

Abdabz

My drama teacher once said "Right, everybody **** down"
The whole class fell about!!

Ted Maul

trying to imagine its uses

Drunken Bungle Whore

I once got confused in a butchers trying to buy Cumberland sausage - I always buy my sausages by the link so this really confused me. In the middle of a packed shop the butcher asked how much I wanted and I replied "about 12 inches"

_Meridian_

iTrader: (1)

At my last company the reception area computers were disconnected from the network for security reasons. If the staff needed to use them they had to phone upstairs for one of the staff to connect them up to the Unix server - a process called "mounting". You can guess the rest: "John, can you mount me please?"

One of my female colleagues talking about some food or other: "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever had in my mouth".

Another female colleague (to a another woman, luckily for her), talking about a rather rank police seizure of some cocaine base: "Would you like to smell my crack?"


M

Clare

PMSL at some of these.

Dracoro

I was playing in a hockey tournament last weekend and as told by the manager to pull off one of the forwards then go score.

Scooby.Newbie

So true, no wonder I live alone

Simon C

I know Sara has a few gems in her closet on this 1

1 from the london meet, and no not that 1.

Scooby Roo

Long story but to cut it short.

In a meeting [about 8 blokes and one female] where a young female engineer was being grilled regarding some measurement blunder. The tone was getting quite curt and she got the feeling that the boss was leading her into taking the blame [of course it wasn't her fault]. After one heated exchange she muttered words that will stay with me for the rest of my life...........

"If I go down for this, I'll go down on you all"

I spat me coffee across the table and fell to bits. It took me and 7 others about a day to recover. On the other hand the young engineer didn't see the funny side of it.

Roo

BeverleyJM

Apparition

In me old hardware shoppe, we used to get lots of folks asking for Durex paint.
Yve

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

My lesbian boss was in Comet at lunch when me and a mate were mooching and we said hello and asked what she was after, a cable, cant remember what type but it had to be 'Female to Female', how I kept a straight face I will never know, my mate took a sudden and all consuming urge to look at DAB radios, I could see his shoulders going up and down.

RMA26

Class!

RMA26

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Oi, that's an extract from my joke you slag!!

Full joke here:

A bloke with a black eye boards a plane and sits nexts to a bloke who also has a black eye. He turns to him and says:

"How did you get that black eye mate?"

The man replies:

"Slip of the tongue- there was a lady behind the ticket counter with big breasts and I meant to ask her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', but it came out as 'can I have two pickets to titsburgh'. Then she punched me. How did you get yours?"

The other man replied

"Mine was a slip of the tongue too. I was sitting at the table to have breakfast with the wife and meant to say 'Pass the jam please my darling' but it came out as 'you've ruined my life you f*cking b*tch'!!

CooperS

My dad to me and my brother:

"You two think I'm stupid, well one day I'll prove it"

PMSL