IN THE STICKS

2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in

Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty

pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million

selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's

football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law

for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

4. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

5. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The

last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady

stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned

out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

6. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me

stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of

massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent

vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

7. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes

the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the

way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond

of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room

carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

8. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting

questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official

tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this

final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

9. The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in

Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just

me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the

poor sods?

John Campbell

10. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.

What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on

about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!

Mike Woods

11. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces

soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a

couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly

enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie

12. It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,

but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the

pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

13. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia

with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

14. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection

with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo

Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account

their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

15. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's

Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing

into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some

faster cars.

T Barnham, London

Account deleted by request

chop

CooperS

Classic!!

TelBoy

What was number one?

lightning101

Number one was -

"Save money on your laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence."

richiewong

Can't believe I'm still buying the Viz after 17 years, great toilet reading material.

My mate Alex got a letter published recently about saving money on scat films by taping every event Paula Radcliffe appears in

IN THE STICKS

Number one was
1. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris

patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric

Abu Hamsa?

But I didn't want any of his mates turning up with a few back packs onm at my front door

Reality

10. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.

What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on

about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!

Mike Woods
Is that The Mike Woods

Scot123

Does anyone remember the 'Tagnut Remover'?

stormyuklondon1

'also effective on dangleberrys and winnets'

IN THE STICKS

TheVoices

iTrader: (5)

Pedal away those tagnut blues !

Keeps your gusset lemon fresh !

Anyone else remember the 'Satsuma Castanet XR 4x4 Turbo' ?

' It's not a car, it's a f@nny magnet'

slickrick

any 1 remember the advert for a holiday camp for tramps,made me cry when i read it.cant remember how it went......

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

I started buying it at school, I get in trouble for leaving it in the magazine stack at my wife's aunts when we visit as her very fragile and demure Swiss sister in law gets hold of it and is disgusted. Most of it is crap but there are some real gems in there.