moses

it happens alot in marriages and relationships, i found this, a good fatwah while browsing looking for some other stuff for pete

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Name Huda
Title Any Cure for Women Who Hate Their Husbands?
Question

Dear scholars, As-salamu `alaykum. I often feel that I hate my husband. To a great extent, the relationship between us is cold; I do not know why. At the same time, I do not want divorce because of the suspicious opinion the Arab societies form about divorced women. Besides, in spite of my husband’s bad qualities, he has many other good ones. Is my feeling natural and how can I overcome it? Jazakum Allahu khayran.



Date 01/Aug/2005
Mufti Mustafa Muhammad `Irgawi
Topic Marital relationships
Answer


Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Sister, first of all, we’d like to say that we are impressed by your question, which emanates from a thoughtful heart. May Allah Almighty help us all adhere to the principles of this true religion, Islam, and enable us to be among the dwellers of Paradise in the Hereafter, Ameen.

There are many reasons for marital hatred, some of which are an unwise choice of the spouse from the beginning, bad treatment, failure to provide for the family’s needs, excessive jealousy, and lack of love. These factors have harmful effects, not only on one’s family life, but also on the society in general. Islam addresses such problems and prescribes cures for them.

Dr. Mustafa Muhammad `Irgawi, a professor of fiqh and Shari`ah policy, Faculty of Shari`ah and Islamic Studies, Kuwait, states the following:

Marital hatred has many causes, some of which are apparent and some of which are hidden. However, Islam has put a cure for such feelings.

The Apparent Causes for Hatred

Bad treatment and abuse of the wife. This may be verbally or bodily; threatening divorce or punishments is in itself a kind of abuse.

Failure to provide for the family’s needs although the husband is financially able to afford them.

Excessive jealousy. Moderate jealousy is an expression of true love, but excessive jealousy leads to family ruin.

Divulgence of marital secrets, especially those that are related to the intimate relationship with the spouse. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was reported to have said, “Among those who will occupy the worst position in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is the man who has intercourse with his wife and she with him and then spreads her secret (in this regard).” Moreover, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was reported to have said about the people who do so, “The ones who do this are like a male and a female devil who meet each other in the road and satisfy their desire while the people gaze at them.”

Infidelity. Nothing hurts the wife’s heart more than her husband’s loving another woman. She may, moreover, ask for divorce, but the husband refuses, which, in turn, adds to her wounds and negative feelings towards him.

Avoidance of love-making with the wife. When a husband avoids her, the wife gets deeply hurt, seeing it as an expression of deep hatred for her, especially when there is no obvious reason for it.

The Hidden Causes for Hatred

Lack of love. When there is no reciprocal affection between spouses, the relationship becomes cold and boring.

Lack of security. The husband threatens to take a second wife whenever any difference in opinion arises, even a small one.

Lack of physical satisfaction. The husband refrains from gratifying his wife’s sexual desire—out of negligence or out of an inability to do so—and the wife is shy to express her desire.

Lack of harmony. Ibn Hazm said in this regard, “You may find that two persons hate each other and find each other boring for no reason at all.” In fact, lack of harmony is one of the most profound causes of hatred. When the spouses do not rightly deal with it, it is the main reason behind the breakdown of many families. It might be attributed to what the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) meant in the following hadith: “Souls are troops collected together and those who are familiarized with each other (in the heaven from where these come) would have affinity with one another (in the world) and those amongst them who opposed each other (in the heaven) would also be divergent (in the world).‏” However, this does not mean that love is mutually lacking between the spouses in question, as one spouse may love his or her partner, but not the other way round. This reason is also sufficient to ruin family life unless the spouses are concerned with preserving their marital life for other considerable reasons.

Lack of transparency and delaying reconciliation when there is discord. The wife’s suppression of her hurt feelings and the husband’s unjustified indifference to reforming his faults by insulting her, sow the seeds of hatred in her heart.

The Effects of Hatred on Family and Society

When the spirit of hatred dominates family life, it affects not only the members of the family in question; it also affects society in general, for the family is the nucleus of society. Hatred begets nothing but further hatred and discord. Hence, Islam calls us to have good will towards all people, even those whom we are in discord with. Allah Almighty says, ( The good deed and the evil deed are not alike. Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and thee there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend) (Fussilat 41:34). In fact, hatred may have destructive consequences; a spouse may plot to kill his or her life partner to put an end to the torture they suffer with each other, or they might oppress their innocent children as a reflection of their suppressed hatred towards each other. Such treatment, in the end, causes family disintegration and, thus an unstable society. If the wife is the party that suffers the most in this regard, the destructive influences will be more far-reaching than would be the case if it is the husband who suffers. This is because the wife is the party who mainly shoulders the responsibility of bringing up the children and molding their characters. Thus, if her life is stable, this will reflect on the children’s life and stability of character.

The Islamic Remedy for Marital Hatred

According to Islamic teachings, there is a remedy for every disease, known to some people and concealed from others. In fact, spiritual diseases such as hatred, malice, and envy are far more difficult to cure than physical ones. When hatred dominates one’s soul, it causes tremendous spiritual suffering that may be too great to respond to worldly remedies; but Almighty Allah, the Creator of human souls, knows exactly what these souls suffer from. He Most High says, (Should He not know what He created? And He is the Subtle, the Aware) (Al-Mulk 67:14).

Hence, He Almighty has prescribed the effective remedy for hatred that affects not only the spouse’s psyche but also his or her body. This remedy consists of the following guidelines:

First: Protective Measures Taken Before Marriage

Hatred does not appear all of a sudden; there must be many preliminary steps and causes that stir it up. To uproot the seeds of hatred from the beginning, Islam gives heed to the woman’s opinion when it comes to choosing a husband. It was reported that a woman went to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and said, “My father married me to his nephew in order to upgrade his (nephew’s) low status.” The Prophet summoned her father, who left the matter to her discretion. She then said, “I accept what my father did, but I want women to know that their fathers have no authority to compel them (to marry men they do not accept).”

Besides, equal status and compatibility (kafa’ah) between men and women who are to marry should be considered. Az-Zaila`i said, “Marriage is a lifelong relation that has its purposes: unity between spouses, establishing company and affection, and getting families close to one another. This only works with people who are compatible.”

One of the advantages of engagement is that it enables the engaged persons to see one another before marriage [while they are chaperoned]. This is not a right peculiar to men; women also have a right to see whether the men who have proposed to them are to their liking. This reassures the couple and establishes feelings of familiarity and intimacy in their hearts towards each other. In this regard, it was reported that when Al-Mughirah ibn Shu`bah proposed to a woman, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to him, “Go and look at her, for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.”

There are some other hadiths that persuade people who intend marriage to look at whatever may induce them to marry and satisfy their desire after marriage. It is one of the main objectives of marriage to guard the chastity of the couple, which goal is not usually achieved unless there is harmony, mutual satisfaction, and love between the couple. This beginning is the most successful way to ward off hatred that can erupt after marriage, as it is known that prevention is better than cure.

Second: Tips for Successful Relations After Marriage

Feelings change between love and hatred, liking and aversion, satisfaction and dissatisfaction. Besides, forgetfulness, even of grave sorrows and calamities, is a characteristic of human nature that is the beginning of the treatment of hatred in Islam. There are other tips for uprooting hatred as follows:

Train oneself to be patient and tolerant. A wife should train herself how to love her husband and be tolerant towards him. Likewise, a husband should train himself to love his wife and be tolerant towards her. Everything is possible through training. When one party shows love, surely the other party will respond. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was reported to have said, “Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman (his wife). If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing.” This hadith asserts that each spouse has good qualities as well as bad ones and that perfection belongs only to Almighty Allah.

React to the wife’s disobedience of her marital duties wisely and according to Shari`ah, and deal with any differences moderately as soon as they arise. This tip is effective in eliminating hatred in the wife’s heart before even it begins, as Almighty Allah says, (If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation) (An-Nisaa’ 4:35).

Resort to separation when the wife cannot stand it anymore and aversion to her husband is strong in her heart, and after all ways of solving the problems between them wisely prove to be to no avail. Islam permits separation in this case in one of the following ways:

1. Give the wife the right to ask her husband to divorce her peacefully in case she has acceptable reasons to ask for divorce (that is, his neglect of marital duties).

2. Give the wife the right to ask for khul`, that is, paying her husband back the dowry or a sum of money in return for divorcing her.

3. Give the wife the right to resort to court to ask for divorce if her husband does not want to divorce her peacefully. She can then tell the court that she cannot stand living with him anymore because of being hurt (emotionally or bodily) by him.

These are the causes of and ways of overcoming hatred between spouses according to Islam.

mart360

but i dont practice the islamic way of life..

i just took her to court an did it £17.50 bobs yer!!


M

David Lock

And that's just the Executive Summary

moses

lol woman always get the law supporting them, their is no justice for a man, it saddens me we have to give them 50% of our wealth, makes me sick really if it doesnt work out and they screw us both ways