chili1

A long story story but bear with me.

My girlfried split up with me last Nov after 4 yrs together. Up until then everything was fine. We were in love, got engaged, planning a future together etc. We bought a house and were due to pick up the keys in mid Nov.
Couple of months before that things were a bit rocky, but I put it down to moving in together nerves.
About 2 weeks before we exchange contracts I get a phonecall in work from my girlfriend rang me in work asking me what time I was coming home as she wanted to talk. I get a feeling something is wrong and leave early. We meet in local park and she tells me we are finished. She says she loves me but she thinks its best that we don't see each other anymore. Ask why and she says that its better if we are apart. I try and talk her round over next few weeks, do the flowers, letters and phone calls but shes adamant that we are through. I buy house myself and move in. I leave her alone for a while. In the meantime her friends are saying how unhappy she is and how much she loves and misses me.
I go out on dates with a couple of girls in Jan, but don't see them again as my heart is not in it. Still in love with my ex and still miss her like crazy.
Genuinely feel that I've lost the best thing thats ever happened to me.
Forward to last week and I bump into my ex. Invite her back to mine for coffee and we get talking. Then I find out reason we finished. I remember her talking about babies and what my thoughts were one morning. I told her that I preferred to wait until we married but that I definately wanted kids. Turns out that she was actually pregnant when she asked me this. Based on my answer she went and had an abortion. She didn't tell me she was pregnant, and obviously didn't mention an abortion.
She said that this is why we finished as she could not bear to look at me and that she hates herself for doing it. She also said that she misses me and shes sorry that she'd lost me as she didn't believe in true love until she met me.

I do still love her. I'm also very angry, but my heart aches to think that she went through this alone.

Question is, do I try and sort things out with her as we did make each other happy and we are both unhappy at the moment, or do I leave her alone.

Sorry for long message. I've talked to mtes about this and am none the wiser. Hoping talking anonymously will help!.

Cheers.

STi VII

This may be harsh but sorry it sounds like a crock, she realises what she had and now wants it back for what ever reason. Don't believe a word no matter how convincing she is, woman will do and say anything to get what they want. Is it possible she had caught a STD waited for it to clear up and is now back on the scene. Truth is stranger than fiction. If someone can let you go that easily without saying anything about being pregnant then they don't love you. Why did she not have the termination with you knowing or not knowing but stay with you anyway? In my experience you are well rid, time to move on and don't fall for it again no matter how much you still think you love her.
This would be enough for most people not to consider going back with an ex I would think. Don't be weak be strong, she is not the one.
1 out of 3 women in relationships cheat on their partners, 1 in 10 have had several bits on the side.

pbee

up until recently i would of said go for it, but some very strange stuff has happened to friends relationships recently, that have lead me to believe some women are very very weird almost phsycotic.

but the problem is she could be telling the truth. When women get pregnant they basically got torn apart inside emotionally, your fairly innocent chat could of sent her over the edge and hence the abortion. But the problem there is you can just decide and get an appointment to have it done there and then there is a cooling off period between consultation and termination.

I guess only you can decide if you think she is telling the truth or not, but if she is telling the truth she could of gone through hell.

but on the flip side she could of been fooling around with someone else left you but the other party wasnt interested in a serious relationship, and the abortion episode could be the easiest way back to your heart. very similiar to what happened to a friend of mine.

good luck just dont be blinkered by past feelings. and take things slowly,

pslewis

Reading it quickly it seems that she got pregnant by someone else, had an abortion and couldn't face you in a long term relationship.

That would be the worse case - so, if you can accept and run with that you have a future ............... if not then I think you will be led a merry dance.

Men are finally learning that women can lie way better than men!!

They ARE the stronger sex, we are mere puppets in their hands!

FIGHT BACK!!

Pete

Brun

Have it out with her! Get her to prove the facts!
Make her do the work, and make sure it's the right thing for you so take your time.

Katana

I say burn her with fire. She obviously cheated on you with another man.




disclaimer ~ Didnt even bother to read thread. Just made an assumption.

Neverguess

I say try and work it out, if it doesn't work your no worse off than you are now, but if it does.....you gain the lot!!

Albert47

Totally agree with the above, May seem evil but

Be strong!!!!!. If she let you go so easily then in my book she wasn't that bothered about you. If you have her back whats to say she won't do it next week. I doubt it would moving in nerves women tend to be better at responability than men. It is more likely she met someone else,(truth hurts) thats why she finished with you so quickly and now, its all gone wrong for her and she wants you back untill somelse appears.

I believe everything happens for a reason, **** IT!!! get out enjoy yrself for a bit. I bet there is a miss right waiting around the corner for you. Women can lie through there back teeth just to get what they want!!!

I dont hate women at all, but I like to keep eyes in the back of my head when it comes to women. I live with my missis now, things are great but you never know whats around the corner.

Adam

LG John

You have no reason not to believe her so lets assume she was telling the truth and was pregnant with your child. The first MAJOR problem I see her is that she felt she couldn't talk to you directly about this and face the problem (if it even was one) together. This suggests that for all the love, etc you had for each other there was a more fundamental problem in the relationship that needs to be identified and dealt with if you are going to have a future together.

As for feeling (even after all this time) like you've lost the best think in your life I can sympathise completely mate

Wish

iTrader: (2)

Wasnt your baby mate... Keep strong stay focus and keep moving forward.



Thats soooo sooo so easy to type but not so easy to carry out, I know.... been there got the T shirt.

All the best for what ever you decide

lightning101

Put your house in mother/father/brothers name and then try it out - if she ****s with you - ditch the bitch.

She could be thinking of the house and the security she's missing and playing with your emotions to make you think its not the house but you that she wants.


You go boyfriend !!!!!



DEIRDRE - oh yes and phone whatever 0907 - premium rate number to hear more about your future together.

mj

Smells a bit to me - the fact that you were engaged,buying a house,planning a future etc, is the most important thing here in my humble opinion. You would think she would be delighted about being preagnant, its sort of the next step - perhaps a bit quick maybe, but certainly your reaction does'nt warrant her buggering off and having an abortion like she did

So you said you wanted to get married and then have kids - no big deal, she gets preagnant, and if you as a a person want to stick to your word, you get married a bit sooner - wheres the problem?......Its not like you have totally rubbished the idea of kids.

If it was yours, then she has either serious mental problems ( not unusual for women ) , or maybe she crapped it at the thought of settling down.

If it wasn't yours, she's a ****, but credit to her for sparing your feelings, and not making a mug of you by stringing you along with someone else's kid.

How old are you both out of interest?

Mr.Cookie

Hi

When I first initially read this i was going to reply with a try and work it out and especially the communication side of it, I didn't post for a number of reasons but have now decided to.
A while ago I was also in a very nice loving relationship although it had it's moments primarily these were caused by my inability to communicate to both my then girlfreind and my freinds, who for one reason or another just couldn't get along leaving mestuck in the middle trying to keep happy, whilst thats a nice notion it's never going to happen under those circumstances and in the end something broke, yup it was me! i shut everything and everyone out of my life, i'm slowly coming back out as me.

Anyway point of posting is to say it doesn't matter what i think, or saxo, pete, neverguess or anyone else it's you thats got to live with the what if's, so find your place to think and do some thinking

Si

47 NAT

Blimey, theres some deep thinkers and good advice on here

Ok considering she "is" telling you the truth and there is no-one else involved, etc, etc Then not letting you in on whats happeneing/happened is not on. Obviously you know her better than anyone else, but just be wary. It seems like you've managed to pull your life together after this, although you might think you have that "little bit" missing! Have a talk and give it to her with both barrells of all the questions you wanted/want to ask then go from there. Looking at the worst be prepared to get hurt again if you give it another go.

Persoanlly I'd move on if it was me, but its your ship thats sailing......

Either way good luck and I hope you make the right decision for you!

Nath

Brit_in_Japan

If you were planning a life together, marriage, kids etc then I do not understand why she would want to end the relationship and have a termination because of your "preference" for waiting to have kids. It didn't/doesn't sound like something cast in stone, a make or break decision. Life is not predictable, unplanned pregnancies happen and couples discuss things together and make joint decisions.

If you were the father, alarm bells must ring that she couldn't discuss it openly with you. And if you weren't the father, you have to ask whether you can forgive her and trust her in the future. Either way, don't rush a decision and try to get to the bottom of the story otherwise there won't be a basis for trust in any ongoing relationship. Good luck.

ajm

I'm going to have to be brutal... she was carrying your child (assuming she is telling the truth) and she had it aborted without telling or involving you in any way. At best this is irrational and selfish, at worst it is down right devious.

I guess it boils down to whether you can ever trust her again, and whether she can look at you without feeling racked with guilt.

andrewdelvard

She had an abortion based on a conversation you had about marriage???
Didn't even discuss it with you???
Based on what you've reported I'd say she was carrying someone elses child. Sorry if reading this and other similar replies hurts, you but thats how it seems.
If it was your child then she's just sick for aborting a child based on a simple converstaion.

chili1

Thanks for all your comments and thoughts.

In reply to whether or not she was seeing someone else....I don't think so. Thought has crossed my mind though, but knowing her as I did I wouldn't have thought she would have cheated. She always had strong feelings about people who cheat. She always said she would finish with me before she cheated on me.

I do believe her about the pregnancy, not sure if its cos I want to believe it as it gives me a reason why (if you know what I mean).

I do think she has a slight problem mentally. She is seeing a counsellor at the moment. Had a very bad childhood.
Left home at 16, moved about a bit. Married at 18, husband turned violent and controlling once married. Stopped her seeing friends, took all her shoes away so she couldn't go out when he was at work!. Seperated at 20, divorced at 21.
She's now 25, I'm 27.

I think she had doubts about us and thought grass was greener on the other side. That didn't work out and now she realises what shes thrown away!.

If I was looking in from the outside I would be thinking along the same lines as everyone else that has replied. Not so cut and dried when you're on the inside!.

Got a lot of thinking to do!.

Cheers.

OllyK

I think there is a bigger issue here, even if she is telling you the truth. Being pregnant and getting an abortion is one mother fu*ker of a big thing to keep from you. If she can keep something that big, how many "Little" things can she keep quiet about?

Personally I would find it very hard to trust somebody again if they couldn't tell me something like that. If I was told then I suspect I would go with her wishes to keep or get rid and would support her through it, but the fact that she couldn't tell you worries me far more.

little miss fire

Okay a birds point of view!!!!

Us girlies do funny things, and I will admit that!!!! If I was told that my other half didn't want kids til we were married, and I was pregnant, I would of told my other half that I was pregnant and deal with the consequences. Some girlies however, would have just gone and got rid of it, with no thought about the future.

By the sounds of it, you split due to her getting rid of the baby as she ccouldn't face what she had done, and now she realises what she has thrown away.

If you love her, then do your upmost to work things out. You just need to be sure that she loves you too. None of us know her like you do, so I would go with your heart. Just make sure you don't get hurt again.

Good luck, and all the best in whatever you decide to do.

ScoobyDoo555

hang on, where does it say in the text that she's been sleeping around/getting preggers by another man?

You lot really are a load of cynical gossips You've burnt her at the stake without even knowing her.

For what it's worth, I'm not going to comment, purely because I think you've wrongly asked for advice on a public bbs that you're new to (3 posts - unless you've registered under a different name).

What I will say is that, your tale makes for tragic reading - she's unhappy. Your unhappy. Pregnancy is the most tormoil that a woman's hormones can go through, and she reacted rashly, when perhaps she should have said something to you.

As SaxoBoy said, the main cause for concern is the SERIOUS lack of communication by you both. There's your real problem. Everything else is a result of this.

Either way, make up your OWN mind - I hope it all works out well.

Dan

JoanUK300

Seems to me a bit strange that after being together for 4 years she could not tell you she was pregnant!!!!

I had been with Peter(now my hubby) for three years and had just moved in together, a couple of months later I missed a period, you can imagine the shock....anyway Peter asked why I had hadn`t had my period and I told him, we talked it over together and we decided 'what will be will be'. I didn`t want kids out of wedlock either but in the end it was a false alarm.

If you still think you can make it work with her then do try, but I`m not sure things always work out the second time around. Please be VERY wary and use a bloody condom this time.........

Joan.

chili1

I normally post on here using a different username.

Have seen previous threads where people have discussed personal matters and am aware of the pros/cons.

Sometimes helps to hear peoples opinions who can give an unbiased view!
Had opinions off mates and people close to me.
Even helps to talk about it anonymously!.

RichWalk

Chilli- been their, bought the t-shirt on mad women- I know it never seems clear cut but after reading about her background it is! Move on, dont go back-ever. If by the sound of it you are a well adjusted bloke you subconciously overcompensate and to an extent subjegate your own life/ emotions in favour of the weaker partner- up shot is you get weaker and start to loose some of the strength that kept the relationship going....... how ever long it takes wait for someone who is suited to you/ your up-bringing- this is not elitist, its just (from experience) what works.

Cheers

Rich

TelBoy

Agree with Rich. Nuff said.

Nicci

I am surprised that your ex had an abortion without telling you she was preggers. Maybe she was confused and didn't know how to handle it. Some people do go into a complete panic.

Could you cope being with her again after she has done this?
You have to remember she cannot change completely and will always have problems that you won't always be able to help her with.

I wonder if she is now missing the security. I split with someone after 7 years and after a while I wondered if I had made the right decision (giving up my share of the house etc). did think about getting back together, when when it came to it I just couldn't do it.

You mentioned things had been rocky, so things were not right.

But if you really miss her and want to look after her, then get back together, it might work out.

You sound like a very caring person, so best of luck with your decision and I hope it makes you happy.

ScoobyJawa

Yeah - they do say that, but in reality thats bollock5, speaking from experience here!