The girlies revenge : Part 2 of 2
02 November 2000, 04:52 PM
#1
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No offence intended, honestly 
LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. married.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a mans idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. married.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a mans idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
02 November 2000, 05:18 PM
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Hhhmmmm....as you mention blondes....
Why did the blonde get sacked from her job as quality control supervisor at the M&M factory ?
Because she rejected all the 'W's.
Please substitute 'blonde' as necessary !!
Neil.
Why did the blonde get sacked from her job as quality control supervisor at the M&M factory ?
Because she rejected all the 'W's.
Please substitute 'blonde' as necessary !!
Neil.
02 November 2000, 05:26 PM
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How to shower like a woman.
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket, according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly, complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah,wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair, taking at least 5 minutes to make sure it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Check entire body for remotests sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend 1 1/2 hours getting dressed.
How to shower like a man.
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake **** at her making the "Woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (No!).
Admire size of **** in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make shampooed hair into Mohican style. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower)
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of **** (again)
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab **** and go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes.
Works in my house
Yex
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket, according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly, complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah,wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair, taking at least 5 minutes to make sure it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Check entire body for remotests sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend 1 1/2 hours getting dressed.
How to shower like a man.
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake **** at her making the "Woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (No!).
Admire size of **** in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make shampooed hair into Mohican style. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower)
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of **** (again)
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab **** and go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes.
Works in my house
Yex
02 November 2000, 10:18 PM
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Thats cracking, ha ha , now I've spilt me cider on my keyboard.
RichB Is give you a tinkle tomorrow about those bits and sort out a good price for you
AllanB
RichB Is give you a tinkle tomorrow about those bits and sort out a good price for you
AllanB
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03 November 2000, 09:27 AM
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Glad to have made a few people smile, I have a WORD document which is bloody funny on the subject of:
"The determination of the amount of pints required to have sex with a ‘not the best’ female"
If anyone wants a copy mail me off line and I'll try to get it to you.
Yex
"The determination of the amount of pints required to have sex with a ‘not the best’ female"
If anyone wants a copy mail me off line and I'll try to get it to you.
Yex
06 November 2000, 02:04 PM
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Hehehe, I think this says it all...
A host of new drive-through cash points is set to sweep through the country, and the National Association of Bankers has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new year: The His and Her Guide to Automatic, Drive-Through Cash Machines
His:
1. Pull up to Automatic, Drive-Through Cash Machine
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
Hers:
1. Pull up to Automatic, Drive Through Cash Machine
2. Check makeup in rear view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in handbag
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in handbag
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in handbag for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for deposit envelope
15. Look in handbag for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Sign cheques
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release handbrake
A host of new drive-through cash points is set to sweep through the country, and the National Association of Bankers has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new year: The His and Her Guide to Automatic, Drive-Through Cash Machines
His:
1. Pull up to Automatic, Drive-Through Cash Machine
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
Hers:
1. Pull up to Automatic, Drive Through Cash Machine
2. Check makeup in rear view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in handbag
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in handbag
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in handbag for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for deposit envelope
15. Look in handbag for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Sign cheques
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release handbrake
06 November 2000, 08:04 PM
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Scoobynet is so cool for very funny stuff too
Perhaps a joke forum webbie
Also, why does the turth make the funniest jokes
David
[This message has been edited by Shark (edited 06 November 2000).]
Perhaps a joke forum webbie
Also, why does the turth make the funniest jokes
David
[This message has been edited by Shark (edited 06 November 2000).]
07 November 2000, 09:08 AM
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A woman is at the check-out line at the grocery store. The check-out guy scans her items through the machine:
1 bar of soap
1 box of cereal
1 pint of milk
1 frozen dinner
1 bottled water
1 serving of ice-cream
"So, I guess you're single," the guy says.
The woman casts her eyes up to heaven, gives a sarcastic smile and says,
"How could you tell?"
"'Cause you're f*****g ugly."
Yex
1 bar of soap
1 box of cereal
1 pint of milk
1 frozen dinner
1 bottled water
1 serving of ice-cream
"So, I guess you're single," the guy says.
The woman casts her eyes up to heaven, gives a sarcastic smile and says,
"How could you tell?"
"'Cause you're f*****g ugly."
Yex
16 November 2000, 05:11 PM
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Yex, is that the word document with the mathematical equations? If so I've already got it. They might even be accurate
BTW Being ugly does not necessarily mean being single Yex, check this web site for proof
BTW Being ugly does not necessarily mean being single Yex, check this web site for proof
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