unclebuck

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
(1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself
on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American
Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East
where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal
Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving
Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us
any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to
make your own way to the combat zone.

H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way
trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage
of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little UKP 9.99 trip). Because
of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as
soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket

* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)

* Tin helmet - plastic safety helmets tend to melt in the sun or
nuclear blasts.

* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)

* Several dozen changes of underwear (Just in case you s**t yourself)

* Gas mask

* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure
Map of Iraq will do)

* Rifle

* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)

* Suntan oil

* Bucket & Spade

* Spending money not exceeding 1 Million Iraqi Dinars (UKP 2.50)

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank
(Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a
0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer
is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your
choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows
pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means
testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your
departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films
and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarron
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch "Khartoum."

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
may be involved.

Yours faithfully,
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush-Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III

BOB.T