Todays sick joke.......
30 January 2003, 12:43 PM
#5
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Here you go :
What's the difference between greyhound
racing and Matthew Kelly?
The greyhounds wait for the hare.
How do you know when it is bedtime at the Kelly residence?
When the big hand touches the small hand
Have you heard about Matthew Kelly's New Book?
It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
A young boy and Matthew Kelly are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it!
I'm scared!"
Matthew Kelly says, "You're scared! I've got
to walk back out of here on my own!"
Matthew Kelly is sitting in his living room
surfing the internet on his laptop.
All of a sudden, the door of the apartment
whips open and his wife storms through.
She screams, "You an @sshole!" and she
heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, Matthew flips off the computer and
walks toward the bedroom,
wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the missus
furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My
therapist says that I should leave you, and that you're a paedophile!"
Matthew responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."
Have you heard? Matthew Kelly has pulled out
of Children In Need...
What's the difference between Matthew Kelly
and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're
thirteen.
Matthew Kelly is off to Florida on holiday
this year
He's going to Tampa with the kids.
What was Matthew Kellys defence in court.
He was only kidding.
Matthew Kelly and his wife are in
Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Mr. Kelly's missus asks him what he wants to watch.
He says "How about we get Aladdin ?". His girlfriend
says........
"Can't we just get a video, you're in enough
trouble already."
Apparently Matthew Kelly thought Boyz II Men
was a delivery service.
The similarity between Matthew Kelly, Gary
Glitter and whisky?
They both come in small tots.
What do you do if Matthew Kelly is drowning?
Throw him a buoy!
Why was Matthew Kelly spotted at Marks &
Sparks?
He heard boys pants were half-off!
What did the lady say to Matthew Kelly at
the beach?
"Excuse me, you're in my son"
Matthew Kellys Lawyer is talking to him in
the cells at the Old Bailey just after he has been found guilty on 26 charges of paedophilia.
"Alright. You got 4 months but look on the bright side. You'll be out in time for half term"
What's the difference between greyhound
racing and Matthew Kelly?
The greyhounds wait for the hare.
How do you know when it is bedtime at the Kelly residence?
When the big hand touches the small hand
Have you heard about Matthew Kelly's New Book?
It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
A young boy and Matthew Kelly are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it!
I'm scared!"
Matthew Kelly says, "You're scared! I've got
to walk back out of here on my own!"
Matthew Kelly is sitting in his living room
surfing the internet on his laptop.
All of a sudden, the door of the apartment
whips open and his wife storms through.
She screams, "You an @sshole!" and she
heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, Matthew flips off the computer and
walks toward the bedroom,
wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the missus
furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My
therapist says that I should leave you, and that you're a paedophile!"
Matthew responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."
Have you heard? Matthew Kelly has pulled out
of Children In Need...
What's the difference between Matthew Kelly
and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're
thirteen.
Matthew Kelly is off to Florida on holiday
this year
He's going to Tampa with the kids.
What was Matthew Kellys defence in court.
He was only kidding.
Matthew Kelly and his wife are in
Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Mr. Kelly's missus asks him what he wants to watch.
He says "How about we get Aladdin ?". His girlfriend
says........
"Can't we just get a video, you're in enough
trouble already."
Apparently Matthew Kelly thought Boyz II Men
was a delivery service.
The similarity between Matthew Kelly, Gary
Glitter and whisky?
They both come in small tots.
What do you do if Matthew Kelly is drowning?
Throw him a buoy!
Why was Matthew Kelly spotted at Marks &
Sparks?
He heard boys pants were half-off!
What did the lady say to Matthew Kelly at
the beach?
"Excuse me, you're in my son"
Matthew Kellys Lawyer is talking to him in
the cells at the Old Bailey just after he has been found guilty on 26 charges of paedophilia.
"Alright. You got 4 months but look on the bright side. You'll be out in time for half term"
30 January 2003, 01:22 PM
#6
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While were on the subject -
One day a little boy was rooting through the garden shed and found all his dad's welding gear - mask, gloves, jacket etc, etc.
The boy puts all the gear on and runs down tho the park to play at being a spaceman.
Matthew Kelly sees him and walks up to the boy, "Hello" says Matthew, "do you know what fellatio is?"
The boy replies - " no, never heard of it"
"What about soddomy ?" says Matthew.
The boy , now getting a little worried says " no, sorry"
"ok " says Matthew, "do you know what a paedophile is?"
The little boy bursts into tears and says - " I'm not a real welder "
One day a little boy was rooting through the garden shed and found all his dad's welding gear - mask, gloves, jacket etc, etc.
The boy puts all the gear on and runs down tho the park to play at being a spaceman.
Matthew Kelly sees him and walks up to the boy, "Hello" says Matthew, "do you know what fellatio is?"
The boy replies - " no, never heard of it"
"What about soddomy ?" says Matthew.
The boy , now getting a little worried says " no, sorry"
"ok " says Matthew, "do you know what a paedophile is?"
The little boy bursts into tears and says - " I'm not a real welder "
30 January 2003, 01:32 PM
#7
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A class of fifth graders were having a discussion on morals of the story. Little susie raised her hand and said my mother was comming home from the grocery store and droped the milk and started crying. The teacher asked her what the moral of that story was. She said, "Don't cry over spilled milk". Jennifer in the second row raised her hand and when she was called on, she said her mother was comming home from the store and broke her eggs. The moral of that was not to carry all your eggs in one basket. Frankie raised his hand and said My dad was in a foxhole in the army, and he peeked out and noticed he was surrounded by the enemy. He ducked back down where he had a bottle of Jack Daniels on one side and gun on the other. He picked up the bottle of Jack and drank it and then he grabbed his gun and shot all of the enemy. The teacher said, " What's the moral?" Frankie said, "Don't **** with my dad when he's been drinking."
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30 January 2003, 03:16 PM
#8
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This is all well and good but I was in my local WH Smiths looking for a video when I saw a copy of "Fiddler on the roof". I can't believe that WH Smiths would stock such a vile and depraved film.
BB
30 January 2003, 04:48 PM
#11
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What has four legs and goes, "Sssshhhhhh"?
Rod Hull's television.
What were Rod Hull's last words?
"Emu, grab on to that fecking gutter!"
What was the last thing to go through Rod Hull's mind as he fell?
His conservatory.
What does Rod Hull and Emu have in common?
Neither of them can fly.
Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral?
The reception was awful!
Saint Peter to Rod Hull:
"Just think, if you had cable you wouldn't be here right now!"
What does Rod Hull & River Phoenix have in common?
They both had a fatal night on the tiles.
What does Rod Hull do his washing with?
Aerial and bounce.
What's the connection between Rod Hull and Freddie Mercury?
They both died after feking around with a TV!
What have Rod Hull and the European Commission got in common?
Neither have a hand in EMU anymore.
Why doesn't Emu need Viagra?
Because now his Rod is permanently stiff.
What's the difference between Rod Hull's roof and Vanessa Feltz?
One's very large, covered in slippery green slime and is difficult to get on top of; and the other's Rod Hull's roof.
Rod Hull's television.
What were Rod Hull's last words?
"Emu, grab on to that fecking gutter!"
What was the last thing to go through Rod Hull's mind as he fell?
His conservatory.
What does Rod Hull and Emu have in common?
Neither of them can fly.
Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral?
The reception was awful!
Saint Peter to Rod Hull:
"Just think, if you had cable you wouldn't be here right now!"
What does Rod Hull & River Phoenix have in common?
They both had a fatal night on the tiles.
What does Rod Hull do his washing with?
Aerial and bounce.
What's the connection between Rod Hull and Freddie Mercury?
They both died after feking around with a TV!
What have Rod Hull and the European Commission got in common?
Neither have a hand in EMU anymore.
Why doesn't Emu need Viagra?
Because now his Rod is permanently stiff.
What's the difference between Rod Hull's roof and Vanessa Feltz?
One's very large, covered in slippery green slime and is difficult to get on top of; and the other's Rod Hull's roof.
30 January 2003, 07:33 PM
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Gary Glitters in bed with his girlfriend....she says..."Gary,your such a sophisticated lover "....."My thats a big word for a girl of 11" replies Gary.....
..
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