joke of the day
10 February 2002, 11:02 AM
#1
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Or how about the helicopter game
http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_...opter_game.htm
laters
stu
[Edited by frisby - 10/2/2002 11:03:02 AM]
http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_...opter_game.htm
laters
stu
[Edited by frisby - 10/2/2002 11:03:02 AM]
02 October 2002, 10:44 AM
#2
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In this out of the way village there was a man called "onestone".
This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because
he had only one ********.
After years and years of this torment onestone cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him onestone any more.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest,
where he sh@gged her all day, he sh@gged her all night, he
sh@gged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years
away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said,
"Good to see you onestone."
Again, onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he sh@gged her all day, sh@gged her all night, sh@gged
her all the next day, sh@gged her all the next night, but she
wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
>
>
>
>
>
> (You'll love this!!!!)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "You can't kill two birds with one stone."
> _____
This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because
he had only one ********.
After years and years of this torment onestone cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him onestone any more.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest,
where he sh@gged her all day, he sh@gged her all night, he
sh@gged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years
away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said,
"Good to see you onestone."
Again, onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he sh@gged her all day, sh@gged her all night, sh@gged
her all the next day, sh@gged her all the next night, but she
wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
>
>
>
>
>
> (You'll love this!!!!)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "You can't kill two birds with one stone."
> _____
02 October 2002, 11:00 AM
#4
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How about this then funny man
>Things you need to know if you're gonna be on TV
>
>
>
>1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
>noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
>
>2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St
>Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
>
>3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level
>on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
>
>4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
>
>5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
>control tower to talk you down.
>
>6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
>
>7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one
>will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
>part of the building without difficulty.
>
>8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
>necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
>
>9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
>
>10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
>will
>wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>
>11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
>note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
>exact
>fare.
>
>12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
>15cm.
>
>13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
>club at least once.
>
>14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
>morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
>
>15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
>
>16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
>football stadium.
>
>17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
>
>18. All single women have a cat.
>
>19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
>
>20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than
>20 men firing at one.
>
>21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
>investigated.
>
>22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any
>of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
>
>23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved
>martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
>dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
>predecessor.
>
>24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you
>are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their
>back.
>
>25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will
>still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
>
>26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
>
>27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
>other.
>
>28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
>arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
>deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives
>at
>least 20 minutes to escape.
>
>29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
>eighth
>birthday.
>
>30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions -
>can be played without moving the fingers.
>
>31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
>readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>
>32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
>visiting.
>
>33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
>
>34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
>
>35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
>will know all the steps.
>Things you need to know if you're gonna be on TV
>
>
>
>1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
>noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
>
>2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St
>Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
>
>3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level
>on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
>
>4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
>
>5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
>control tower to talk you down.
>
>6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
>
>7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one
>will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
>part of the building without difficulty.
>
>8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
>necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
>
>9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
>
>10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
>will
>wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>
>11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
>note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
>exact
>fare.
>
>12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
>15cm.
>
>13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
>club at least once.
>
>14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
>morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
>
>15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
>
>16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
>football stadium.
>
>17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
>
>18. All single women have a cat.
>
>19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
>
>20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than
>20 men firing at one.
>
>21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
>investigated.
>
>22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any
>of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
>
>23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved
>martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
>dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
>predecessor.
>
>24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you
>are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their
>back.
>
>25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will
>still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
>
>26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
>
>27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
>other.
>
>28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
>arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
>deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives
>at
>least 20 minutes to escape.
>
>29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
>eighth
>birthday.
>
>30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions -
>can be played without moving the fingers.
>
>31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
>readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>
>32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
>visiting.
>
>33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
>
>34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
>
>35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
>will know all the steps.
02 October 2002, 11:22 AM
#5
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Here's one
> > A vampire bat comes flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and
> > parks himself on the ceiling of the cave. Pretty soon all the other bats
> > smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells
> them
> > to leave him alone, but they persist until he finally gives in.
> > "OK, OK. See that tree out there?" he asks, pointing through the mouth
of
> > the cave.
> > "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.
> > "Good," says the first bat. "Because I didn't!"
> >
> > A vampire bat comes flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and
> > parks himself on the ceiling of the cave. Pretty soon all the other bats
> > smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells
> them
> > to leave him alone, but they persist until he finally gives in.
> > "OK, OK. See that tree out there?" he asks, pointing through the mouth
of
> > the cave.
> > "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.
> > "Good," says the first bat. "Because I didn't!"
> >
02 October 2002, 12:25 PM
#7
Guest
Posts: n/a
>An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having
>a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass
>in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
>
>"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
>the same one twice."
>
>The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
>into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
>
>"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that
>we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
>
>The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
>his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the
>Australian and then says:
>
>"In London we have so many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we
>don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
>a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass
>in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
>
>"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
>the same one twice."
>
>The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
>into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
>
>"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that
>we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
>
>The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
>his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the
>Australian and then says:
>
>"In London we have so many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we
>don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
Trending Topics
OMG How addictive is that helicopter game 
:
02 October 2002, 05:47 PM
#15
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455 too, need some practice me thinks
EDIT : a few mins of practice...798
[Edited by Fuzz - 10/2/2002 5:52:18 PM]
EDIT : 836 and I'm sweating lol. that's enough I think
[Edited by Fuzz - 10/2/2002 6:24:26 PM]
EDIT : a few mins of practice...798
[Edited by Fuzz - 10/2/2002 5:52:18 PM]
EDIT : 836 and I'm sweating lol. that's enough I think
[Edited by Fuzz - 10/2/2002 6:24:26 PM]
10 October 2002, 08:05 AM
#23
Guest
Posts: n/a
>True Friendship
>
>Are you tired of all those mushy 'friendship" poems that always sound good
>but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem
>that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!
>
>Friend,
>When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
>against the sorry ******* who made you sad.
>When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
>When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got a ****.
>When you are scared, ... I will take the **** about it every chance I get.
>When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much
>worse it could be and to shut the f*ck up.
>When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain it to you,
>you dozy ****.
>When you are sick, ... stay away from me until you're well again.
>When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at you.
>This is my oath, ... I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?
>
>Because you're my friend!
>
>Send this poem to ten of your friends or else you will get depressed
>because you realise you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you
>right now anyway.
>
>P.S. A friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you
>move a body.
>
>Are you tired of all those mushy 'friendship" poems that always sound good
>but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem
>that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!
>
>Friend,
>When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
>against the sorry ******* who made you sad.
>When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
>When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got a ****.
>When you are scared, ... I will take the **** about it every chance I get.
>When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much
>worse it could be and to shut the f*ck up.
>When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain it to you,
>you dozy ****.
>When you are sick, ... stay away from me until you're well again.
>When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at you.
>This is my oath, ... I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?
>
>Because you're my friend!
>
>Send this poem to ten of your friends or else you will get depressed
>because you realise you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you
>right now anyway.
>
>P.S. A friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you
>move a body.
10 October 2002, 08:28 AM
#24
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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation....." said the doctor,
".....your mother must have been a carrier"
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation....." said the doctor,
".....your mother must have been a carrier"
10 October 2002, 10:45 AM
#25
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A LITTLE LEGAL ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the Court'. These
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters - who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the
last one.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Are you sexually active?
> > > A: No, I just lie there.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What is your date of birth?
> > > A: July fifteenth.
> > > Q: What year?
> > > A: Every year.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory
> > > A: I forget.
> > > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
> > > you've forgotten?
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > > A: Forty-five years.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
> > > woke up that morning?
> > > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > > A: My name is Susan.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> > > voodoo or the occult?
> > > A: We both do.
> > > Q: Voodoo?
> > > A: We do.
> > > Q: You do?
> > > A: Yes, voodoo.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> > > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> > >
> > > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >
> > > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >
> > > Q: She had three children, right?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: How many were boys?
> > > A: None.
> > > Q: Were there any girls?
> > >
> > > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > > A: By death.
> > > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >
> > > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > >
> > > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> > > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >
> > > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
> > > people?
> > > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
> > > go to?
> > > A: Oral.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
> > > an autopsy.
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
> > > for a pulse?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
> > > you began the autopsy?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> > > practising law somewhere.
>
>
10 October 2002, 11:03 AM
#26
So this bloke goes to the doctor for a check-up. When he's finished, the doctor says "I'm sorry to have to tell you that you have a sexually transmitted disease."
The bloke says "I must have caught it from a toilet seat, doctor," and the doctor replies: "Well you must have been chewing it then, because it's in your gums!!"
: Alcazar
The bloke says "I must have caught it from a toilet seat, doctor," and the doctor replies: "Well you must have been chewing it then, because it's in your gums!!"
: Alcazar
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