SMACS Muppet and Numpty corner
28 September 2006, 10:36 AM
#520
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Location: Heart of Midlothian FC aka Hearts have the nickname "The Jambo's" - therefore I'm a Jambo too.
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While I was driving down the M62 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the
other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. The policeman pulled me over,
walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:
"Runway too short Sir?"
To which I replied. "I'm late for work"
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.
"A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side
until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the
hole until it's about 6 feet"
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you
do with a six-foot ar5ehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a
bridge".
Speeding ticket: £105
Court Costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless!!!
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the
other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. The policeman pulled me over,
walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:
"Runway too short Sir?"
To which I replied. "I'm late for work"
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.
"A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side
until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the
hole until it's about 6 feet"
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you
do with a six-foot ar5ehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a
bridge".
Speeding ticket: £105
Court Costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless!!!
28 September 2006, 01:25 PM
#524
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Emailed to me at work. Seen it before but thought I'd share it with you all this time, as it still made me 
12 October 2006, 06:42 PM
#525
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You may have seen this before, as it's been around for a while but it's just been on the 6 o'clock news and reminded me:
BE WARNED. THERE IS SWEARING DURING THIS CLIP:
Low Flying Harrier - Military Photos
Kinda similar to this one!!:
BE WARNED. THERE IS SWEARING AT THE END OF THIS CLIP:
YouTube - Spitfire pass - low
BE WARNED. THERE IS SWEARING DURING THIS CLIP:
Low Flying Harrier - Military Photos
Kinda similar to this one!!:
BE WARNED. THERE IS SWEARING AT THE END OF THIS CLIP:
YouTube - Spitfire pass - low
12 October 2006, 09:24 PM
#527
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Originally Posted by mykp
Spitfire one gets my vote. any closer to the ground he'd be cutting grass.
Surprised they don't get caught up in ground effect tbh.
12 October 2006, 10:19 PM
#529
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yuk
looks like a waste of a quad bike to me!!!
infact its an insult to quadbikes, what use would it be 
i know, smacs members favorite bed partner
infact its an insult to quadbikes, what use would it be i know, smacs members favorite bed partner
Originally Posted by WarrenSTI
17 October 2006, 09:27 AM
#531
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This has come round (again!) on email at work.
Lets see if it'll start a war of words with Pete and Ste. 
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small, populated area in the landmass of Great Britain and said, "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Greater Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills, great music and a world dominating football team. The people from Greater Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the lazy, thieving *******s I'm putting next to them in Merseyside."
Lets see if it'll start a war of words with Pete and Ste.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small, populated area in the landmass of Great Britain and said, "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Greater Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills, great music and a world dominating football team. The people from Greater Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the lazy, thieving *******s I'm putting next to them in Merseyside."
17 October 2006, 05:17 PM
#534
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Thats a disgrace i demand it to be removed at once 
the people of merseyside i:e ST helens, warrington, widnes, formby, wirral are all half decent people and to call them scum is terrible. Its a good job you never included LIVERPOOL THE CAPITAL OF CULTURE 2008 in that load of crap otherwise i may of got annoyed. Cant believe the big man upstairs know,s nothing about manchester though as all the stuff he qouted was a load of crap especially about the football !!!! We all know city (pete,s team) have won nothing
the people of merseyside i:e ST helens, warrington, widnes, formby, wirral are all half decent people and to call them scum is terrible. Its a good job you never included LIVERPOOL THE CAPITAL OF CULTURE 2008 in that load of crap otherwise i may of got annoyed. Cant believe the big man upstairs know,s nothing about manchester though as all the stuff he qouted was a load of crap especially about the football !!!! We all know city (pete,s team) have won nothing
17 October 2006, 05:28 PM
#535
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Originally Posted by paulthejambo
"Ah," said God. "That's Greater Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills, great music and a world dominating football team. The people from Greater Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
rivers? you only built the bloodY canal cos we got all the work with the docks
streams? you really are having a laugh, when it rains and the rain go,s down the road this does not constitute a stream
Hills ? Are you blind man?
Great music?
2 kn*bhead brothers are about the best you could manageWorld dominating team? Try european domination before you think about anywhere else
Greater manchester people?
Come on really do you expect anyone to believe you on any of this Oh my sides are killing me
thats the funniest thing to ever come out of manchester, mind you you recieved it off someone else so it wont of been anyone from madchester as you are all to busy putting streaks in your hair and tryin to copy the cockney,s dress sense. The best thing to come out of manchester is the bloody M62
17 October 2006, 08:59 PM
#538
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Originally Posted by scoobyverysoon
oh no youve set him off now
Hows it going ste? those bonnet lifters on yet
Hows it going ste? those bonnet lifters on yet
WAHAYalso the car go,s in a week saturday for a new up-pipe
and my down pipe is getting heat wrapped at the same time cos winter is coming and i dont want it to get cold
17 October 2006, 09:50 PM
#539
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Congrats mate, Im a bit off the pace with not being around much so perhaps this was common knowledge, but all the best anyway!
