coupe_20vt

iTrader: (2)

My daughter took a year out after A levels and got a job in Spoonies. She was on a zero hours contract but worked a minimum of 35 hours a week. Most weeks she'd bring home £200+.

We 'took' 25% of what she earned, leaving her plenty to run a car and have a very good social life.

Last weekend she started Uni.

With the money she'd given us as 'keep' we were able to kit her out with laptop, bedding, cooking utensils, books etc. and pay the shortfall in her accommodation.

She was very grateful, even though in a roundabout way she paid for it herself

Richy P1984

I stayed at home after graduating uni and getting my first job (4.5 years). I paid £200 a month as keep. It was something I actually brought up as I didn't really feel comfortable just living off mum and dad.

I probably couldn't of afforded to move out on my own at that stage - not unless I lived in a crummy infested crap hole, so it worked out well.

Doing that allowed me to start seriously saving for a car / mortgage, and I'm probably in a better position than most people of my age group (who earn a similar amount)

In summary I'd say £200 - 250 if they are making a reasonable wage.

BLU

iTrader: (27)

Maybe but I can't see a fairer way considering I have 4 children all of whom this will eventually apply to.
If they're buying/renting a house then they have the choice to decide if they can afford the fixed amount or look for something cheaper. They don't really have that choice at home so a % of wage is the fairest way to make sure all 4 of my kids (when they all end up working) pay a fair share. I don't want to set a fixed amount that may (or may not) leave them short of money (or cause arguments) nor do I want to overcharge them and feel that moving out is the only option! I'll kick em out if I feel they're taking the pee

Edmondo

I have one left at home - he is 29!!!!!.............He pays £300 per month - He is an MOT Tester so not short of a Bob or 2 plus he does "odd jobs" outside of work. Wifey (Stepmum) keeps saying its time he found out what its like in the real world. Other 2 left home at 20 (eldest) and 16 (Youngest).

Alan Jeffery

You mean the kids are supposed to pay us? they always said it was the other way around!

Budgie

iTrader: (4)

Make sure you don't tell anyone you have been collecting rent from your kids as the inland revenue will require you to declare it as income
You will need to say that they contribute towards the food bills

hodgy0_2

I had to take my eldest daughter to work this morning, she is on her gap year

and the reason why I was driving her, was that her car needs a new radiator, I would do it, but it being French, it is so much hassle that I have taken it to the garage (oh and it needs tax and an MOT)

on the journey to work she told me she that she was "earning a fortune" - she has worked quit long hours tbf

when I suggested she paid for the road tax, she winced

that's a lesson for you I said - "never tell your parents how much you are earning"

brendy76

iTrader: (6)

From when I was 14 collecting glasses in a pub I paid in 30%. When I left home I was on a full time wage, still 30%. Its not unreasonable, when you are that age, what do you really need to be spending it all on, pity my folks werent banking it for me, they used it for the daily spends haha.

Jonnys3

That's half the problem these days ... some parents seem way too soft on their kids in every aspect and that's no preparation for the real world; I often end up looking like the one who's way too harsh on his daughters (10yrs & 15yrs) all because I'm teaching them responsibility.

ditchmyster

iTrader: (7)

And so you should be, as the old saying goes, " If your children don't tell you they hate you, then you're probably a bad parent" My boy calls me "Bad daddy" when he can't get his own way,(he's just turned 8) I take it as a sign that he's learning a hard lesson, via tough love, strangely enough he always comes and gives me a cuddle later and we have a little chat about it.

hodgy0_2

yes its a fallacy that children don't want boundaries, they do

and your job is to "parent" and enforce those boundaries - not be their best friend

and actually that is harder - but I teach my children the unfortunate truth that the hard way is often the right way

ditchmyster

iTrader: (7)

I'd go so far as to say they NEED boundaries, otherwise how will they learn what is acceptable in polite society. I don't want to raise a sociopath.

At the end of the day when I have had a difficult time with my boy testing the boundaries, bearing in mind I'm away most of his term time, so he tends to see me for a couple of weeks every 8 weeks, which is difficult, but I like to make sure I'm guiding him properly and not making it too easy for him, even though the reason I do what I do is to make life easier for him. it's not easy, but if it was, then I'd think I was doing something wrong.

Bottom line. "Life is difficult"

hodgy0_2

Sure, agree want & need

Jonnys3

I've lost count the number of times I've replied with "life isn't fair, learn to deal with it!".

They both compare me to their strictest teachers at school but without resentment and will happily say I'm firm but fair. To some of their friends i'm known as Scary Jono (yeah, those are the friends whose parents let them have free reign over everything).

Getting back on topic, they have both been told they will be expected to pay board when they've completed full-time education, so it will come as no surprise to them.

Turbohot

It's simple. Good parenting requires a balanced approach. You can't just be a tyrant and think that your child would turn out to be an Abraham Lincoln because you drummed good habits with your hard core discipline/boundaries into him/her. You can't be a rolling on the floor like a little puppy in front of your kids either, just because they've obliged you by arriving in your sad life You have to be somewhere in the middle with this 'hard' and 'soft' touch. I'd advocate for the reasonable amount of both; discipline and love, boundaries and boundary breaking. That's what I went for, and both my kids have turned out to be alright. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary or massively special with them. Some mothers and fathers used to give it large with their 'excellent parenting' at my kids' primary school gates. Not all those parents' kids have turned out to be high achievers or even responsible citizens as grown ups.

Some really bad kids from really good parents, and some really good kids from some sheer waste of the oxygen parents. Some really good and really bad kids without any good or bad parents, even. World we live in.

Turbohot

It's all good to tell your child 'Life isn't fair, learn to deal with it!" Sometimes it helps if they are taught how to deal with it as well. Problem is, some parents don't have time to teach, or perhaps they lack skills to teach such things to their kids. You may be alright, and not really that scary to your kids, but this being 'super scary' for a parent to your kids isn't really anything to be proud of. A lot of 'scary' parents are out of touch with their kids' problems. Obviously, they're so scary to their kids that that their kids can't be open up to them about what they might be going through.

Also, losing counts of how many times you might have told your kids about life not being fair, and they must learn to deal with it begs a question. Why were they whinging to you again and again that you had to tell them that 'life isn't fair...." thingy that many times to them? Was it because you weren't listening sufficiently?

You should, really. As a good parent.

ditchmyster

iTrader: (7)

@ TH

Very true, my sister that grew up with me is a total waster, you wouldn't believe we grew up in the same house with the same parents, she went bad at around 11yrs of age as far as my parents were concerned, but for me she was bad from day one.

Definitely a balanced approach is the way forward, but I won't be giving my boy an easy life until he learns life isn't always easy for everyone, a year in India has fortunately helped to make him realise that even roses have thorns.

Turbohot

Ditchy, sometimes a dysfunctional gene skips some generations and shows up in a later generation, in one random black sheep or two. My mum had 7 siblings (I say 'had' because some of my uncles are now dead). All became well educated and respectable high achievers, including the dysfunctional one. God knows where that police officer uncle of mine inherited his alcoholism from; followed by his dysfunctional drama performance compulsion every time without fail, as both my granddad and grandma were socially respected, grounded and peace loving peeps. He died young of his alcoholism and left his widow with 4 young kids. All those 4 kids have done well in their life as grown ups. None of them are out-of-control alkys, nor are they dysfunctional in any other way. They lead normal, socially acceptable lives.

But as you say, things like that do happen.

Yes, India is an eye opener, Ditch. Glad he learnt something from that visit. Mine went there to travel around for a few months, straight after completing her Uni. She was blown away and all that.

Jonnys3

Totally agree.

Quite the contrary. Admittedly it has been used at times as a direct response to their protest at having to do something because they don't want to (be that homework, spellings, chores etc - who's not had to deal with a stroppy child when time is short), but for the most part it's been used in context during the many conversations my wife and I have had with the girls to help them understand why certain things we ask of them might seem unfair, or have to be done in certain ways or at certain times etc. So yes, over 15 years of parenting it's been used a fair few times and I have lost count.

Again, totally with you on this one too. My kids know neither I or my wife are really that scary but they know there are boundaries not to be crossed. The 'Scary Jono' nickname was born out of one of the eldest's friends being around when the eldest was being pulled up for her attitude towards her £45 school blazer - it has now become nothing more than a light-hearted poke at me in her friendship circle.

Also, the fact that both daughters know they can open up to me or my wife at anytime about anything is testament to how close we are as a family unit and we've always told them to be open and honest with us and with each other. Recently the eldest came to us and revealed concerns she is having over her own sexuality - a brave step for her personally.

BLU

iTrader: (27)

Indeed the balanced approach if definitely the way. Myself and my wife work well together as parents (I think) Usually if one of us has a moan/winge/bellowing moment with one (or all) of the kids then the other is usually calm enough to explain why the other has 'gone off on one'!! Fortunately that doesn't happen very often!! We have a close relationship with them all and for the most part if there is a problem they come and talk to one of us.

They're pretty good at getting all arsey with us when they're getting told off/moaned at though!! Water off a ducks back to me

hodgy0_2

As a family we try (and mostly do) have dinner together every night (all 7 of us!!!)

And Sunday is no exception, although we use that time together to announce any "rule changes" or speak to them about not pulling their weight etc, (in addition to congratulating any of them about achievements like passing Music exams etc)

last weeks, in preparation for the new school year was to limit any form of screen time (TV, Xbox, laptop, iPad etc) between 4.00pm and 7.30pm Monday to Friday, obviously they don't have TV's in their bedrooms, so quite easy to police

they all call Sunday mealtimes The Sunday Roast-ing