Torres found new role at Chelski!
21 March 2011, 12:24 PM
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Torres found new role at Chelski!
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/...-201103213646/
Torres asked if he has any other skills
21-03-11
FERNANDO Torres has been asked how many words per minute he can type.
The £50m striker has yet to score for Chelsea and owner Roman Abramovich is hoping to recoup the fee by having the inaccurate Spaniard work in the back office during the week.
A vacancy has just arisen as Nikki Hollis goes on six months maternity leave which the club insists has absolutely nothing to do with John Terry's semen.
A spokesman said: "He should have paid for himself by August 5418."
Torres has been placed in Chelsea's data entry section, which logs violent offences committed by season ticket holders, but has so far failed to strike up an effective partnership with filing assistant Margaret Gerving.
Gerving said: "He gets himself into the right position - Nikki's desk next to Mr Cole's gun rack - but at the vital moment he'll just shank the file right over the desk and into the kitchen.
"Most days last week we just told him to go home early."
Unless his clerical skills improve, Torres could be transferred to the Stamford Bridge security staff alongside former shorthand typist, Winston Bogarde.
But head security officer Roy Hobbs said "Part of our role is to stop fans attacking players they've taken a sudden but entirely typical dislike to.
"So in effect Fernando would be expected to shield his own car while he was inside it."
Torres asked if he has any other skills
21-03-11
FERNANDO Torres has been asked how many words per minute he can type.
At least he's not ****ing everybody's girlfriends
A vacancy has just arisen as Nikki Hollis goes on six months maternity leave which the club insists has absolutely nothing to do with John Terry's semen.
A spokesman said: "He should have paid for himself by August 5418."
Torres has been placed in Chelsea's data entry section, which logs violent offences committed by season ticket holders, but has so far failed to strike up an effective partnership with filing assistant Margaret Gerving.
Gerving said: "He gets himself into the right position - Nikki's desk next to Mr Cole's gun rack - but at the vital moment he'll just shank the file right over the desk and into the kitchen.
"Most days last week we just told him to go home early."
Unless his clerical skills improve, Torres could be transferred to the Stamford Bridge security staff alongside former shorthand typist, Winston Bogarde.
But head security officer Roy Hobbs said "Part of our role is to stop fans attacking players they've taken a sudden but entirely typical dislike to.
"So in effect Fernando would be expected to shield his own car while he was inside it."
22 March 2011, 08:48 PM
#5
Pontificating
RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.
The Adultery Writers' Adulterer of the YearThe England coach wants to hand the skipper's armband back to John Terry, insisting he can motivate the squad with his unwavering commitment to ****ing their wives and girlfriends.
Capello said: "Rio is far too interested in running fancy magazines and tweeting statements that, for a centre back, are quite stunningly nuanced and intelligent.
"At no point has he picked my brains about finding really good ****** in Sardinia or asked me to hold his coat while he pumps some giggly skank in the bogs of a service station.
"He has simply been tall and shouty."
He added: "John Terry will be a commanding presence on the pitch and in the dressing room, as well as building personal relationships with the players, asking where they live, what time they get home from training and whether their wives like it up the dirtbox.
"I truly believe he will lead the squad with great stature before tearing it apart just in time for the European Championship finals.
"I hope it's my wife he's ****ing at the time. Wouldn't that be brilliant?"
The Adultery Writers' Adulterer of the YearThe England coach wants to hand the skipper's armband back to John Terry, insisting he can motivate the squad with his unwavering commitment to ****ing their wives and girlfriends.
Capello said: "Rio is far too interested in running fancy magazines and tweeting statements that, for a centre back, are quite stunningly nuanced and intelligent.
"At no point has he picked my brains about finding really good ****** in Sardinia or asked me to hold his coat while he pumps some giggly skank in the bogs of a service station.
"He has simply been tall and shouty."
He added: "John Terry will be a commanding presence on the pitch and in the dressing room, as well as building personal relationships with the players, asking where they live, what time they get home from training and whether their wives like it up the dirtbox.
"I truly believe he will lead the squad with great stature before tearing it apart just in time for the European Championship finals.
"I hope it's my wife he's ****ing at the time. Wouldn't that be brilliant?"
22 March 2011, 08:49 PM
#6
Pontificating
SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.
'You're a disgrace!' FA officials imposed the ban after the permanently enfunked Manchester United manager fired a dead horse at a referee in protest at a disputed throw-in.
They then retreated to their unmarked concrete bunker and their whereabouts will remain secret until Ferguson starts giving interviews with Sky Sports again.
But Sir Alex immediately questioned the ban, saying: "The GSM of this paper isn't fit to grace my mailbox and I'm pretty sure the tree it was produced from was owned by a Russian billionaire.
"In my day bans used to arrive hand written on a heavy vellum scroll, delivered by a proper, uniformed page. It was a typographically-ornate man's game in those days."
The FA will now investigate Ferguson's criticism of the font they used to write the phrases 'stunning hypocrite' and 'immensely unlikeable old *******'.
Meanwhile the ban will require Ferguson to watch the next five United games from inside a cage suspended from an airship 300ft above the pitch.
He will be delivered to the cage on a gurney in the manner of Hannibal Lecter in Silence Of The Lambs while the FA has also made it clear it will not tolerate Ferguson commenting on the toughness of any match official's nipples.
But Ferguson was unrepentant, adding: "There's a lack of quality in stationery throughout the game, from the stiffness of the red cards my players very, very occasionally get, to the court bundles we use to secure those super-injunctions to stop people knowing why that church in Stretford had to be deconsecrated."
'You're a disgrace!' FA officials imposed the ban after the permanently enfunked Manchester United manager fired a dead horse at a referee in protest at a disputed throw-in.
They then retreated to their unmarked concrete bunker and their whereabouts will remain secret until Ferguson starts giving interviews with Sky Sports again.
But Sir Alex immediately questioned the ban, saying: "The GSM of this paper isn't fit to grace my mailbox and I'm pretty sure the tree it was produced from was owned by a Russian billionaire.
"In my day bans used to arrive hand written on a heavy vellum scroll, delivered by a proper, uniformed page. It was a typographically-ornate man's game in those days."
The FA will now investigate Ferguson's criticism of the font they used to write the phrases 'stunning hypocrite' and 'immensely unlikeable old *******'.
Meanwhile the ban will require Ferguson to watch the next five United games from inside a cage suspended from an airship 300ft above the pitch.
He will be delivered to the cage on a gurney in the manner of Hannibal Lecter in Silence Of The Lambs while the FA has also made it clear it will not tolerate Ferguson commenting on the toughness of any match official's nipples.
But Ferguson was unrepentant, adding: "There's a lack of quality in stationery throughout the game, from the stiffness of the red cards my players very, very occasionally get, to the court bundles we use to secure those super-injunctions to stop people knowing why that church in Stretford had to be deconsecrated."
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