Top Tips
08 February 2001, 12:04 AM
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TOP TIPS...
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing
in the first place, you fat b*s*ards.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's *rse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.
5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' c*nd*ms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
fully refreshed and on time.
14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
17. Deter goldfish from having s*x by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive v*br*tor.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake p*n*s to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as
to your allegiance.
21. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right
arm by m*sturb*ting furiously with your left arm too.
22. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply p*ssing in the sink.
23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know
any difference.
24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing
in the first place, you fat b*s*ards.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's *rse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.
5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' c*nd*ms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
fully refreshed and on time.
14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
17. Deter goldfish from having s*x by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive v*br*tor.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake p*n*s to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as
to your allegiance.
21. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right
arm by m*sturb*ting furiously with your left arm too.
22. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply p*ssing in the sink.
23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know
any difference.
24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
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