Some people and their stories
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Some people and their stories
Just had a guy come in to do some maintenance work, the subject of conversation worked its way round to cars as it usually does.
He was telling me about these guys in his area with "Scoobs" and how he trashed one the other day, apparently in his Primera "sport". (the 1.8 version). Whizzed past him at 150 MPH+
The plot thickened, he said he took it to Nissan and told them of his exploits, and questioned them about his car. apparently the guy in Nissan said he has 217 BHP, the sport version has slightly different ratios in the gearbox which upped the BHP considerably
Anyway his mate/junior/trainee chap took great delight when I revealed what I drive, and then proceeded to Google his car stats as he would have none of it when I tried to break it to him gently that he was talking $hit
Google result 112BHP with a top speed of 123 MPH
He was telling me about these guys in his area with "Scoobs" and how he trashed one the other day, apparently in his Primera "sport". (the 1.8 version). Whizzed past him at 150 MPH+
The plot thickened, he said he took it to Nissan and told them of his exploits, and questioned them about his car. apparently the guy in Nissan said he has 217 BHP, the sport version has slightly different ratios in the gearbox which upped the BHP considerably
Anyway his mate/junior/trainee chap took great delight when I revealed what I drive, and then proceeded to Google his car stats as he would have none of it when I tried to break it to him gently that he was talking $hit
Google result 112BHP with a top speed of 123 MPH
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I share an office with the worlds biggest Bullsh*tter.
That stories kiddie play to him. Although he can't remember his own stories so keeps getting thing wrong.
He has a Mk1 Golf with Audi 1.8T engine. A few months later the engine had apparently grown into the 2.0T engine out of the new S3. **** knows what it is now. Probably the 3.2 R32 engine
Tip of the Iceberg though. I'd be typing all day if I was to repeat all of his sh*te.
That stories kiddie play to him. Although he can't remember his own stories so keeps getting thing wrong.
He has a Mk1 Golf with Audi 1.8T engine. A few months later the engine had apparently grown into the 2.0T engine out of the new S3. **** knows what it is now. Probably the 3.2 R32 engine
Tip of the Iceberg though. I'd be typing all day if I was to repeat all of his sh*te.
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I share an office with the worlds biggest Bullsh*tter.
That stories kiddie play to him. Although he can't remember his own stories so keeps getting thing wrong.
He has a Mk1 Golf with Audi 1.8T engine. A few months later the engine had apparently grown into the 2.0T engine out of the new S3. **** knows what it is now. Probably the 3.2 R32 engine
Tip of the Iceberg though. I'd be typing all day if I was to repeat all of his sh*te.
That stories kiddie play to him. Although he can't remember his own stories so keeps getting thing wrong.
He has a Mk1 Golf with Audi 1.8T engine. A few months later the engine had apparently grown into the 2.0T engine out of the new S3. **** knows what it is now. Probably the 3.2 R32 engine
Tip of the Iceberg though. I'd be typing all day if I was to repeat all of his sh*te.
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You'll be amazed how many random people I meet who claim that they used to own (or know someone who used to own) a Turbo 2. Considering there's only about 50 of these cars in the country and about 65 million people live here, the chances of genuinely meeting such people by chance should really be about one-in-a-million! Or are they just ignorant bullsh!tters?
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You'll be amazed how many random people I meet who claim that they used to own (or know someone who used to own) a Turbo 2. Considering there's only about 50 of these cars in the country and about 65 million people live here, the chances of genuinely meeting such people by chance should really be about one-in-a-million! Or are they just ignorant bullsh!tters?
Dave
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Da ja vou , or what We have this Valeter at our work that has an Audi RS6 on order that hasn't got any turbo's fitted???? He also as a Ferrari but not sure which model it is and he's took a Bently Continental GT of some local gangster's cause they owe him money, yet he drives to work in a Vauxhall Omega 2.0!
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You'll be amazed how many random people I meet who claim that they used to own (or know someone who used to own) a Turbo 2. Considering there's only about 50 of these cars in the country and about 65 million people live here, the chances of genuinely meeting such people by chance should really be about one-in-a-million! Or are they just ignorant bullsh!tters?
- One on the M4 in Wales (years ago!)
- One on a trailer parked at the seaside.... Monaco
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Bloke who works with my m8.
Claims that he has landed a plane on the way home from holiday as the pilots went ill.
And he has banged martine macuchie(how ever you spell it)
This is from a small fat 40yr old who lives with his parents.
Claims that he has landed a plane on the way home from holiday as the pilots went ill.
And he has banged martine macuchie(how ever you spell it)
This is from a small fat 40yr old who lives with his parents.
#12
"Claims that he has landed a plane on the way home from holiday as the pilots went ill.
And he has banged martine macuchie(how ever you spell it)"
Don't tell me he was banging her while he was bringing the plane in to land
And he has banged martine macuchie(how ever you spell it)"
Don't tell me he was banging her while he was bringing the plane in to land
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Had a kid at work who said his dad had a skyline GTR, not much of a boast but he was a massive bull5hitter and we all just thought bollox. We kept asking him questions about it and asking for a pic at least! I mean his dad only ever seemed to use his 15 year old volvo 5hitter to collect him from work. One day he came in with a picture of himself leaning on the rear spoiler of an R33 GTR. It was in a car park somewhere and the smile on his face was quite clearly because he'd finally found one he could snap himself with
My favourite sort of stories you get are when you have a specific marque and some complete stranger approaches you to tell you how their 'mate' has one with 800bhp etc.
I always used to get it when I had an R32 GTR years ago, random idiots in car oarks asking "what's the bhp?" me.. "about 380bhp" shortly followed by them saying "is that all? my mate's got one and he's chipped it to 800bhp and he said he'll get 1000bhp soon"
One of my favourites was when a friend of a friend went out in a 700bhp R33 GTR. Fair enough, but then said GTR comes up for sale not exactly sounding heavily modded so (with the help from someone able to keep a straight face) we ring him and ask the modifications.. K&N filter and exhaust... 700bhp?
My favourite sort of stories you get are when you have a specific marque and some complete stranger approaches you to tell you how their 'mate' has one with 800bhp etc.
I always used to get it when I had an R32 GTR years ago, random idiots in car oarks asking "what's the bhp?" me.. "about 380bhp" shortly followed by them saying "is that all? my mate's got one and he's chipped it to 800bhp and he said he'll get 1000bhp soon"
One of my favourites was when a friend of a friend went out in a 700bhp R33 GTR. Fair enough, but then said GTR comes up for sale not exactly sounding heavily modded so (with the help from someone able to keep a straight face) we ring him and ask the modifications.. K&N filter and exhaust... 700bhp?
#16
Yes its when a fertile imagination, a desire to join in and gain some kudos get muddled with actual facts, misunderstood concepts and complete ignorance of the victims level of knowledge.
I know my motors, I get this all the time, I am not being big headed, I know about cars and other people who about Horses, Hi-i or ******* but leave the cars to me,thats why its such a pleasure to speak to a genuinely knowledgeable fellow petrolhead, especially if they know more than me.
Key questions that identify those enthusiastic but clueless,
"When does the turbo kick in"
I answer, Mondays, but not Bank Holidays, its a crap question from a non petrolhead, like a turbo is on or off, car people know better and will have already identified the boost characteristics of the turbo and the engine its coupled to.
Real knobbers claim a turbo on a standard car that patently doesnt have one, or say its been chipped producing a gain of 100 hp on a 1.6 Astra, real car people err on the side of caution or proven dyno figures, my car is 210 standard, the tuning firm claim 247, so I say its meant to be 247 but I have no proof.
Suspension, cretins think bigger wheels, plus lowered springs = handling, those in the know are aware this equation is bollocks.
They advertise on Ebay, they sell cars that are "Race Tuned", this means its was MOT'd by a company that occasionally works on a race car, there cars always have "Big Boar" Exhausts and badly applied window tinting film.
The real Billy Bullsh1tter will indeed drive a Vauxhall, as mentioned, an Omega or Vectra with Lexus lights and some pads on the seatbelts, he will drive like a complete ****, he lives on a Council Estate and sells copied DVD's, always into pc's in a big way in my experience as well.
I know my motors, I get this all the time, I am not being big headed, I know about cars and other people who about Horses, Hi-i or ******* but leave the cars to me,thats why its such a pleasure to speak to a genuinely knowledgeable fellow petrolhead, especially if they know more than me.
Key questions that identify those enthusiastic but clueless,
"When does the turbo kick in"
I answer, Mondays, but not Bank Holidays, its a crap question from a non petrolhead, like a turbo is on or off, car people know better and will have already identified the boost characteristics of the turbo and the engine its coupled to.
Real knobbers claim a turbo on a standard car that patently doesnt have one, or say its been chipped producing a gain of 100 hp on a 1.6 Astra, real car people err on the side of caution or proven dyno figures, my car is 210 standard, the tuning firm claim 247, so I say its meant to be 247 but I have no proof.
Suspension, cretins think bigger wheels, plus lowered springs = handling, those in the know are aware this equation is bollocks.
They advertise on Ebay, they sell cars that are "Race Tuned", this means its was MOT'd by a company that occasionally works on a race car, there cars always have "Big Boar" Exhausts and badly applied window tinting film.
The real Billy Bullsh1tter will indeed drive a Vauxhall, as mentioned, an Omega or Vectra with Lexus lights and some pads on the seatbelts, he will drive like a complete ****, he lives on a Council Estate and sells copied DVD's, always into pc's in a big way in my experience as well.
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Yes its when a fertile imagination, a desire to join in and gain some kudos get muddled with actual facts, misunderstood concepts and complete ignorance of the victims level of knowledge.
I know my motors, I get this all the time, I am not being big headed, I know about cars and other people who about Horses, Hi-i or ******* but leave the cars to me,thats why its such a pleasure to speak to a genuinely knowledgeable fellow petrolhead, especially if they know more than me.
Key questions that identify those enthusiastic but clueless,
"When does the turbo kick in"
I answer, Mondays, but not Bank Holidays, its a crap question from a non petrolhead, like a turbo is on or off, car people know better and will have already identified the boost characteristics of the turbo and the engine its coupled to.
Real knobbers claim a turbo on a standard car that patently doesnt have one, or say its been chipped producing a gain of 100 hp on a 1.6 Astra, real car people err on the side of caution or proven dyno figures, my car is 210 standard, the tuning firm claim 247, so I say its meant to be 247 but I have no proof.
Suspension, cretins think bigger wheels, plus lowered springs = handling, those in the know are aware this equation is bollocks.
They advertise on Ebay, they sell cars that are "Race Tuned", this means its was MOT'd by a company that occasionally works on a race car, there cars always have "Big Boar" Exhausts and badly applied window tinting film.
The real Billy Bullsh1tter will indeed drive a Vauxhall, as mentioned, an Omega or Vectra with Lexus lights and some pads on the seatbelts, he will drive like a complete ****, he lives on a Council Estate and sells copied DVD's, always into pc's in a big way in my experience as well.
I know my motors, I get this all the time, I am not being big headed, I know about cars and other people who about Horses, Hi-i or ******* but leave the cars to me,thats why its such a pleasure to speak to a genuinely knowledgeable fellow petrolhead, especially if they know more than me.
Key questions that identify those enthusiastic but clueless,
"When does the turbo kick in"
I answer, Mondays, but not Bank Holidays, its a crap question from a non petrolhead, like a turbo is on or off, car people know better and will have already identified the boost characteristics of the turbo and the engine its coupled to.
Real knobbers claim a turbo on a standard car that patently doesnt have one, or say its been chipped producing a gain of 100 hp on a 1.6 Astra, real car people err on the side of caution or proven dyno figures, my car is 210 standard, the tuning firm claim 247, so I say its meant to be 247 but I have no proof.
Suspension, cretins think bigger wheels, plus lowered springs = handling, those in the know are aware this equation is bollocks.
They advertise on Ebay, they sell cars that are "Race Tuned", this means its was MOT'd by a company that occasionally works on a race car, there cars always have "Big Boar" Exhausts and badly applied window tinting film.
The real Billy Bullsh1tter will indeed drive a Vauxhall, as mentioned, an Omega or Vectra with Lexus lights and some pads on the seatbelts, he will drive like a complete ****, he lives on a Council Estate and sells copied DVD's, always into pc's in a big way in my experience as well.
#18
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In the late 80's used to w*rk with a guy we called Walter Mitty His Mum was allegedly a software designer whom commanded 6 figure salaries, but chose to live on a council estate she drove a Cossie which he regularly drove to w*rk, but never on the same day as any of us were there to see it his Escort had central locking, which on the day he gave me a lift meant he sat in the centre of the car and opened the locks manually I forget many of the tales he told, thankfully.
More recently I knew a courier we used regularly whom claimed to have knocked out a horse with a single punch and killed a man by throwing him off the Eiffel Tower
More recently I knew a courier we used regularly whom claimed to have knocked out a horse with a single punch and killed a man by throwing him off the Eiffel Tower
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In the late 80's used to w*rk with a guy we called Walter Mitty His Mum was allegedly a software designer whom commanded 6 figure salaries, but chose to live on a council estate she drove a Cossie which he regularly drove to w*rk, but never on the same day as any of us were there to see it his Escort had central locking, which on the day he gave me a lift meant he sat in the centre of the car and opened the locks manually I forget many of the tales he told, thankfully.
More recently I knew a courier we used regularly whom claimed to have knocked out a horse with a single punch and killed a man by throwing him off the Eiffel Tower
More recently I knew a courier we used regularly whom claimed to have knocked out a horse with a single punch and killed a man by throwing him off the Eiffel Tower
#22
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That's just reminded me of another prat that was at our work for a bit..
Said he could do a deadly Bruce Lee 1" punch, kill anyone at work if he tried it on us
Another guy totally lost it and said he was special forces, then said he'd threatened our boss and drove his 911.. when my boss confronted him about his BS and asked him to leave he got on his knees and cried like a baby.
Work experience kids are funny too..
One had a F1 engine in his mini (which resided in his garden until he'd passed his test) And he left to be an 'F1 driver'.
#23
LOL
That's just reminded me of another prat that was at our work for a bit..
Said he could do a deadly Bruce Lee 1" punch, kill anyone at work if he tried it on us
Another guy totally lost it and said he was special forces, then said he'd threatened our boss and drove his 911.. when my boss confronted him about his BS and asked him to leave he got on his knees and cried like a baby.
Work experience kids are funny too..
One had a F1 engine in his mini (which resided in his garden until he'd passed his test) And he left to be an 'F1 driver'.
That's just reminded me of another prat that was at our work for a bit..
Said he could do a deadly Bruce Lee 1" punch, kill anyone at work if he tried it on us
Another guy totally lost it and said he was special forces, then said he'd threatened our boss and drove his 911.. when my boss confronted him about his BS and asked him to leave he got on his knees and cried like a baby.
Work experience kids are funny too..
One had a F1 engine in his mini (which resided in his garden until he'd passed his test) And he left to be an 'F1 driver'.
#24
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Reminds me of a guy I used to work with on nights. When I got my first scoob ('00 Turbo) he said he used to have a BMW 5 series and was racing some unknown impreza type on the A14 nr Cambridge. He apparently obliterated the scoob with his beast but then lost it and did a full 360 spin at around 120mph. This scared him into selling the car
Or the other chap who had a rustbucket rover gti and apparently got from Cambs to Newcastle in some stupid time. He was adamant about this "record" trip until we worked out his avg speed would have had to have been over 120mph
Simon
Or the other chap who had a rustbucket rover gti and apparently got from Cambs to Newcastle in some stupid time. He was adamant about this "record" trip until we worked out his avg speed would have had to have been over 120mph
Simon
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Yes its when a fertile imagination, a desire to join in and gain some kudos get muddled with actual facts, misunderstood concepts and complete ignorance of the victims level of knowledge.
I know my motors, I get this all the time, I am not being big headed, I know about cars and other people who about Horses, Hi-i or ******* but leave the cars to me,thats why its such a pleasure to speak to a genuinely knowledgeable fellow petrolhead, especially if they know more than me.
Key questions that identify those enthusiastic but clueless,
"When does the turbo kick in"
I answer, Mondays, but not Bank Holidays, its a crap question from a non petrolhead, like a turbo is on or off, car people know better and will have already identified the boost characteristics of the turbo and the engine its coupled to.
Real knobbers claim a turbo on a standard car that patently doesnt have one, or say its been chipped producing a gain of 100 hp on a 1.6 Astra, real car people err on the side of caution or proven dyno figures, my car is 210 standard, the tuning firm claim 247, so I say its meant to be 247 but I have no proof.
Suspension, cretins think bigger wheels, plus lowered springs = handling, those in the know are aware this equation is bollocks.
They advertise on Ebay, they sell cars that are "Race Tuned", this means its was MOT'd by a company that occasionally works on a race car, there cars always have "Big Boar" Exhausts and badly applied window tinting film.
The real Billy Bullsh1tter will indeed drive a Vauxhall, as mentioned, an Omega or Vectra with Lexus lights and some pads on the seatbelts, he will drive like a complete ****, he lives on a Council Estate and sells copied DVD's, always into pc's in a big way in my experience as well.
I know my motors, I get this all the time, I am not being big headed, I know about cars and other people who about Horses, Hi-i or ******* but leave the cars to me,thats why its such a pleasure to speak to a genuinely knowledgeable fellow petrolhead, especially if they know more than me.
Key questions that identify those enthusiastic but clueless,
"When does the turbo kick in"
I answer, Mondays, but not Bank Holidays, its a crap question from a non petrolhead, like a turbo is on or off, car people know better and will have already identified the boost characteristics of the turbo and the engine its coupled to.
Real knobbers claim a turbo on a standard car that patently doesnt have one, or say its been chipped producing a gain of 100 hp on a 1.6 Astra, real car people err on the side of caution or proven dyno figures, my car is 210 standard, the tuning firm claim 247, so I say its meant to be 247 but I have no proof.
Suspension, cretins think bigger wheels, plus lowered springs = handling, those in the know are aware this equation is bollocks.
They advertise on Ebay, they sell cars that are "Race Tuned", this means its was MOT'd by a company that occasionally works on a race car, there cars always have "Big Boar" Exhausts and badly applied window tinting film.
The real Billy Bullsh1tter will indeed drive a Vauxhall, as mentioned, an Omega or Vectra with Lexus lights and some pads on the seatbelts, he will drive like a complete ****, he lives on a Council Estate and sells copied DVD's, always into pc's in a big way in my experience as well.
#26
I knew a guy that fitted a dump valve to the automatic gearbox of his Pug 406 Coupe, apparently.
Another collegue claims his mum used drive a Scooby prepared by Prodrive with 500bhp and sequential 'box. She used it for shopping and the occasional rally but changed it for an Evo 'cos she wanted more power.
He's 40-odd so God knows how old his mum is. Does anyone know of a little old woman doing particularly well in the rallying scene with groceries in the boot, just in case I'm wrong?
Another collegue claims his mum used drive a Scooby prepared by Prodrive with 500bhp and sequential 'box. She used it for shopping and the occasional rally but changed it for an Evo 'cos she wanted more power.
He's 40-odd so God knows how old his mum is. Does anyone know of a little old woman doing particularly well in the rallying scene with groceries in the boot, just in case I'm wrong?
#27
My next door neighbour has a Volvo V70 and claims it's a T5 with 250bhp..
If you know what to look for in a T5 it definately isn't one
A bull****ter mate was at a party when he got so pissed and fell asleep. He woke in the morning with a jonny hanging out of his flies (my other mates stuffed it there ). Friends told him that one of the lads aunties who lived nearby had taken him into a bedroom...
The bull****ter fed from that storey and told everyone else that he was dating this woman and she was regularly picking him up in her 500SL and taking him off for a ****!
Nick
If you know what to look for in a T5 it definately isn't one
A bull****ter mate was at a party when he got so pissed and fell asleep. He woke in the morning with a jonny hanging out of his flies (my other mates stuffed it there ). Friends told him that one of the lads aunties who lived nearby had taken him into a bedroom...
The bull****ter fed from that storey and told everyone else that he was dating this woman and she was regularly picking him up in her 500SL and taking him off for a ****!
Nick
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My next door neighbour has a Volvo V70 and claims it's a T5 with 250bhp..
If you know what to look for in a T5 it definately isn't one
A bull****ter mate was at a party when he got so pissed and fell asleep. He woke in the morning with a jonny hanging out of his flies (my other mates stuffed it there ). Friends told him that one of the lads aunties who lived nearby had taken him into a bedroom...
The bull****ter fed from that storey and told everyone else that he was dating this woman and she was regularly picking him up in her 500SL and taking him off for a ****!
Nick
If you know what to look for in a T5 it definately isn't one
A bull****ter mate was at a party when he got so pissed and fell asleep. He woke in the morning with a jonny hanging out of his flies (my other mates stuffed it there ). Friends told him that one of the lads aunties who lived nearby had taken him into a bedroom...
The bull****ter fed from that storey and told everyone else that he was dating this woman and she was regularly picking him up in her 500SL and taking him off for a ****!
Nick
Some of the stories on here are brilliant
#30
A guy I worked with claimed to have written the original Defender computer game. Trouble is, I remember playing it before he was born...
I can often tell when a bloke, if told I drive an Impreza, is about to be regale me with stories of countless mates who drive massive horsepower cars. I normally tell them "oh, just some boring old japanese car, you'll never have heard of it...". Then quickly asking them about a recent football match/some bimbo with big knockers etc normally distracts them.
One particular chav I know drives a sh1tty transit, earns **** all from a labouring job (lives off his gf), yet somehow has loads of best mates who drive all manner of exotica. I couldn't avoid him knowing what car I drive unfortunately.
I can often tell when a bloke, if told I drive an Impreza, is about to be regale me with stories of countless mates who drive massive horsepower cars. I normally tell them "oh, just some boring old japanese car, you'll never have heard of it...". Then quickly asking them about a recent football match/some bimbo with big knockers etc normally distracts them.
One particular chav I know drives a sh1tty transit, earns **** all from a labouring job (lives off his gf), yet somehow has loads of best mates who drive all manner of exotica. I couldn't avoid him knowing what car I drive unfortunately.
Last edited by Jerome; 26 May 2008 at 12:58 PM.