Jokes
19 April 2012, 05:35 AM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Jokes
I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans.
A guy called Abdul phoned from his mobile and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".
I said, "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .
Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive ****.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Sky News report: The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships -
2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"
A Mackem and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan after the Tsunami
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Sunderland "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't **** me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with **** like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. After the Tsunami
They said they were delicious!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
A guy called Abdul phoned from his mobile and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".
I said, "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .
Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive ****.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Sky News report: The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships -
2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"
A Mackem and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan after the Tsunami
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Sunderland "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't **** me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with **** like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. After the Tsunami
They said they were delicious!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post