BMW are recalling 1.3 million cars for repair worldwide, including 109,000 in the UK, because of a defective battery cable.

So what ghastly, unswervingly dangerous thing is this faulty cable doing? Is it making cars explode? Is it ejecting passengers out of the sunroof when the car reaches a certain speed?

Well, the German carmaker has said that the cars were being called back because of a possible problem with a battery cable covering in the boot, which could prevent the car from starting at all. Oh, and possible fire. So which cars are rubbish then? Well, the recall will be of interest to those who own 5 and 6 Series BMWs built between 2003 and 2010.

Don’t worry if you’ve no idea what type of BMW you’ve got as you’ll be notified by letter from the company and you’ll be able to get it repaired free-of-charge. The repair takes under an hour to do, so you won’t be without your car for too long, so no-one need know that you’re a tiny-penised salesman for very long.

In a statement the company said: “In some remote cases, the battery cable cover inside the boot of these vehicles may be incorrectly mounted. This can result in the electrical system malfunctioning, the vehicle failing to start and, in some cases, to charring or fire.”

Fewer than 1% of the cars BMW has so far inspected for the issue have exhibited the problem, a BMW spokesman added.