David Lock

I have been looking to buy a property in recent weeks and have spent hours on the net reading through Estate Agents’ blurb and property descriptions.

I had forgotten they had a language all of their own but it’s kept me entertained and short cut a lot of the hard work of ploughing through the full descriptions. Examples as follows and do please add to the list from your own experience.

Present owners for last 25 years. Really boring place in urgent need of updating.

Low maintenance garden. Bloody decking everywhere.

Low maintenance garden. Bloody concrete everywhere (I even read “laid to concrete”!

Character. Estate Agents’ favourite word as it can mean anything at all.

Cosy. Way too small.

Easy access to main routes. Garden backs onto M4 hard shoulder.

In heart of community. Pikey campsite next door.

Flexible accommodation. Architect screwed up.

Offers over £215,000. Will take £190,000.

Etc etc.

dl

EddScott

Within walking distance of the town

You'd better be fit

hodgy0_2

Good use of space

There’s no room for the fridge in the kitchen so it’s in the living room while the washing machine is in the bathroom.

Ideal for investors

You wouldn’t want to live there yourself but some desperate renters will probably go for it.

SRSport

What about "Private lettings in this area" and then you move into the only private house in a council estate because they ran out of money. Thats just blatant lying.

They arent all like that though. My last estate agents were fantastic and said whats what.

PaulC72

In need of modernisation

The decor is purple, the kitchen is from the 60's and it is very very cold as the central heating does not work, and maybe the windows leak.

David Lock

Oh and I had forgotten "Benefits from Night Storage Heating" meaning it still costs a fortune in electricity and it's not quite as damp as it would be living in a rain forest

dl

f1_fan

iTrader: (9)

My favourites are

'deceptively spacious' - looks like a pokey little hovel from the outside and ... is a pokey little hovel on the inside

'excellent opportunity to modernise a wonderful period propery' - a mid 20th century thrown together piece of crap in need of structural stablising, a new damp course, a complete rewire and replumb and a new roof before you even look at the delapitaded kitchen and fungus ridden bathroom.

'double garage' - single garage

'ample parking' - you might get a Smart car in there on a good day with a trailing wind

'great neighbourhood' - the local 'Krays' live next door and the smackheads from the council estate backing on to the property will use the corner of the road as their crack den

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

LOL, Out of boredom I've just had a looked through some local ads, come up with some crackers:




Character = delapidated

Period features = 1970s wall paper/wood chip and not been decorated for 30+ years

Established Garden with Mature Borders = Everything overgrown

Large / Near Double Garage = Single garage

Well Placed for Excellent Local Schools and nearby Train Station = right next to a school, back garden backs on to the west coast main line

Super Landscaped Rear Garden = Someone has recently mowed the lawn.

Generous block paved drive frontage = Large footpath, space for one car.

Superb Family Breakfast Kitchen of Almost "Farmhouse Style" = Space for a table in the kitchen...."Almost"

VERY DECEPTIVE AND ATTRACTIVELY STYLED = Looks like a bugalow, but is actually a house with dormas.

Nursery Bedroom = Bedroom the size of a shoebox

Great Further Potential = needs gutting

No Upward Chain = Desperate, knock off at least £50K

SPACE FOR CARAVAN OR BOAT = As long as it fits under the car port, because if its left infront of the car port, it leaves no space for a car.

VIEWING HIGHLY RECOMMENDED = Not as sh*t as it looks

MAJORITY UPVC DOUBLE GLAZING = Just the front then..rest is single glazed half rotten wood.

Forming part of the locally known “Old Quarter”, = Sh*tty run down terraced street.

with farmland views to the rear = Overlooks the local pig farm.

Enjoying an elevated position = Steep drive of a 1:3 incline

Mucklow Built Family Home = Mass produced, badly built 1970s/80s/90s 'box' (Same as Barrets, Wimpy etc.)

Stunning Rear Aspect = Front looks hideous (seriously, it does!)

set back with a 'service road' = Dirt track driveway

Trout

iTrader: (1)

Bijou - even smaller than cosy

True taste of country living - right next door to the deep litter chicken shed where you will be overwhelmed by the noxious ammonia gases being released

Owned by a designer - look out for bad '70s stone cladding and a fountain in the living room (you laugh - one house I went to see had this and just after I saw it, it failed, flooded the house and it was taken off the market until renovated)

Investment opportunity - for the vendor if he can get you to buy it

Up and coming area - if you are lucky and are prepared to wait for 47 years

Close to all amenities - a flat right above the late night Chinese takeaway

Close to great nightlife - a flat right above the local all night 'massage parlour'

Lee247

That sounds like my place

alanbell

iTrader: (6)

just like the last 4 ive bought love em

mattvortex

Purpose built flat- (Crap little place that a prisoner would see as a downsize.)

Tremendous opportunity (for us to make a couple grand commission for doing f**k-all)

wonderfull views. (from the roof with military binoculars)

Landscaped gardens ( £2.99 lavender planted by fence)

David Lock

Good stuff

Private Drainage. Neighbour's s,hit all over the patio on Christmas Eve

dl

Bonehead

As I'm house hunting these day i have the pleasure of dealing with these idiots at the moment.

Recently went to see a house with "an ample driveway with room for plenty of cars"
You could park two cars in line but anymore and you'd block off the entrance to the neighbours.

I got sent info on a 3 bedrrom house. Thing is the thrid bedroom was in fact the dining room and was classed as a bedroom as the previous resident had nursed her husband there until he died there!

David Lock

She wasn't much of a cook then

dl

97TURBO

We are trying to sell our place and to be honest some of the bull**** we are being fed is really starting to get under our skin.
While on the subject, for those who have sold in the past, in a 6-8 week period how many viewers would you hope/expect to have had?
I realise theres never any guarantees and every property is different, but just as an idea.

PaulC72

Lol, photos optional

Nice, lol.

Lee247

Wanna buy it. 60's kitchen, errrrr, windows don't leak but roof might.
The most weird house in the world. I love it, but it is too big. Too much hard work
I think Estate Agents would call it quaint. Bit of a shock when they turn up

Mus

iTrader: (2)

not all estate agents use that funny language, some estate agents unfortunately do use fancy words that can mean absolutely anything. but it's what some of the vendors wants to see.

Dingdongler

The one I love is where a house has been on sale for 6 months but the advert still reads 'we advice people to act quickly to avoid disappointment'

You'd have thought they would take that bit out after 6 months of the property not selling

Leslie

Have to say I enjoyed all of those. Just shows what a load of Tricky Dickies they are, bit like bankers in many ways!

Les