Something to offend almost everyone ...
06 September 2010, 01:32 PM
#1
Something to offend almost everyone ...
There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that
crashed, killing all 152 people on board.
Both families are devastated.
Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get
a Black and Decker.
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged
millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of
Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the
cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in
twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to
try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick
your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last
night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or
drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber
jacket. Touchy *******s!
crashed, killing all 152 people on board.
Both families are devastated.
Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get
a Black and Decker.
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged
millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of
Hurricane Higgins.
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the
cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in
twice a week!"
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to
try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick
your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last
night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or
drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber
jacket. Touchy *******s!
06 September 2010, 04:00 PM
#6
Scooby Regular
Trending Topics
06 September 2010, 07:08 PM
#13
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Some jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe ...
I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.
Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.
Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…
06 September 2010, 07:09 PM
#14
A muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol,
Police say, it's definitly race related.
A car full of black men pulled up and asked me which way to the station.
I replied ok monkey face, turn right at the cotton field, go past the hanging tree, turn left at the sugar mill and it's opposite the slave ship inn.
As i lay in the gutter battered and bruised, i thought thats the last bag of rowntrees randoms i buy.
Police say, it's definitly race related.
A car full of black men pulled up and asked me which way to the station.
I replied ok monkey face, turn right at the cotton field, go past the hanging tree, turn left at the sugar mill and it's opposite the slave ship inn.
As i lay in the gutter battered and bruised, i thought thats the last bag of rowntrees randoms i buy.
06 September 2010, 07:36 PM
#16
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A car full of black men pulled up and asked me which way to the station.
I replied ok monkey face, turn right at the cotton field, go past the hanging tree, turn left at the sugar mill and it's opposite the slave ship inn.
As i lay in the gutter battered and bruised, i thought thats the last bag of rowntrees randoms i buy.
06 September 2010, 07:39 PM
#17
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I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
America's policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall.
I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.
33 miners trapped underground?
Sounds like Fritzl upped his game
I met a girl in the park and asked her, "Do you like movies?"
"Not really," she huffed.
"That's a shame", I said, "Because you're about to experience strong language, extreme violence and scenes of a sexual nature."
This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you.
It's called the face.
The trouble with having missing children on milk cartons is that paedophiles can use them as trading cards. 'Need, need, got'.
That aught to do it
astraboy.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
America's policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall.
I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.
33 miners trapped underground?
Sounds like Fritzl upped his game
I met a girl in the park and asked her, "Do you like movies?"
"Not really," she huffed.
"That's a shame", I said, "Because you're about to experience strong language, extreme violence and scenes of a sexual nature."
This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you.
It's called the face.
The trouble with having missing children on milk cartons is that paedophiles can use them as trading cards. 'Need, need, got'.
That aught to do it
astraboy.
06 September 2010, 08:26 PM
#21
Scooby Regular
a man and his wife are driving along in the car when they notice a skunk lying in the gutter...
they stop the car and pick it up...
wife: "look its shivering it must be cold"
Man: "put it between your legs to keep it warm"
Wife: "what about the smell?"
Man: "hold its nose"
they stop the car and pick it up...
wife: "look its shivering it must be cold"
Man: "put it between your legs to keep it warm"
Wife: "what about the smell?"
Man: "hold its nose"
06 September 2010, 08:29 PM
#24
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I said to the wife in bed last night
"Give us a Chilean miner Darling"
"Whats that?" she asked
"Go down the bottom of my shaft and f0oking stay there 'til christmas"
"Give us a Chilean miner Darling"
"Whats that?" she asked
"Go down the bottom of my shaft and f0oking stay there 'til christmas"
06 September 2010, 09:15 PM
#27
Guest
Posts: n/a
Let's offend a few more ....
When riding, if I see a sign saying something like "42 deaths in last 2
years along next 3 miles", I immediately accelerate hard.
I'm not stupid...it's obviously a dangerous stretch of road and I want
to be past the ****** as quickly as possible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going on a date tonight with a girl called Sarah Dyson.
I hope she lives up to her name.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The police actually employ people to spend all day examining hard drives
looking for pornographic material.
Who says Carlsberg don't do careers...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abuse always reminds me of Christmas time.
Its better to give than receive.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
So John and Edward are called Jedward.
Anyone else wish they'd been called Peter and Rick?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does your wife or girlfriend have any unwanted Gold Jewellery? Rings,
Earrings, Bracelets? If so.....
Give her a slap!.........Ungrateful Bitch!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Met Police are looking for a racist attacker.
I rang them, but apparently it's not a job.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
fingering herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back
to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I the only one who's sick of seeing road-signs warning me about
'Average Speed Cameras'.
They should either buy some quality ones or not bother.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave
When riding, if I see a sign saying something like "42 deaths in last 2
years along next 3 miles", I immediately accelerate hard.
I'm not stupid...it's obviously a dangerous stretch of road and I want
to be past the ****** as quickly as possible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going on a date tonight with a girl called Sarah Dyson.
I hope she lives up to her name.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The police actually employ people to spend all day examining hard drives
looking for pornographic material.
Who says Carlsberg don't do careers...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abuse always reminds me of Christmas time.
Its better to give than receive.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
So John and Edward are called Jedward.
Anyone else wish they'd been called Peter and Rick?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does your wife or girlfriend have any unwanted Gold Jewellery? Rings,
Earrings, Bracelets? If so.....
Give her a slap!.........Ungrateful Bitch!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Met Police are looking for a racist attacker.
I rang them, but apparently it's not a job.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
fingering herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back
to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I the only one who's sick of seeing road-signs warning me about
'Average Speed Cameras'.
They should either buy some quality ones or not bother.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave
06 September 2010, 09:15 PM
#28
Guest
Posts: n/a
Let's turn a double post into nursery rhymes .... 
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d**khead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said F**k him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ***
And turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the Money.
Dave
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d**khead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said F**k him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ***
And turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the Money.
Dave
Last edited by hutton_d; 06 September 2010 at 09:18 PM.
06 September 2010, 10:01 PM
#30
Scooby Regular