swisstonihasher

Hey all,

I'm new to the daddy world and have a lovely 11 week old girl, unfortunately the ex partner isn't so lovely. We've now split completely, she's saying we can talk about shared custody but every time I want to take her out she's saying no. I'm worried as at the moment it looks very much like I have a contact setup only and if it went to court at a later date would the courts look at is as "you've been working with contact only for a while, we'll keep it like that"? We both have houses but she has another child who's 17 and a nightmare (this is the main reason we've split many times over the years I've known her). Any advice from fathers that have gone through this?

ODWOC

http://www.itv.com/lifestyle/jeremykyle/beaguest/

Jamz3k

thats not very nice!

swisstonihasher

Useful advice only please or dont bother.

ODWOC

Speak to CAB or a solicitor

Good day

swisstonihasher

What's CAB? Sorry, only just started looking into this horrible stuff.

ODWOC

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/...dex_family.htm

mart360

Regardless of what your ex says, you are (providing your telling the truth, and not got any lawful reason restricting access to your children,) entitled to access to your daughter.

If your married, its easier,
Get yourself to a solicitor, and get a court order for shared access.

This will set out the terms of the access and shared dates etc.

If your not married, im not exactly sure how some aspects work, but get to a solicitor

DO NOT under any circumstances let your other half get sole custody, otherwise your in a shed load of grief. you need a joint custody agreement

BUT, be aware its a court order your obtaining, so if you say you'll have

your daughter every weekend, and then decide it impacts on the footy

season, so you dont want her every weekend, then you can expect the

court order to be enforced. which means your sorry *** will be hauled back

before the judge to answer what & why


I went for access every other week from Friday to Monday, holidays split

50-50 and Christmas & birthdays shared.


There are other implications too on the amount of time your daughter spends with you (CSA) Ie the more time with you the better


Mart

EddScott

Good info there.

My wifes brother was in and out of court over his son for years - even though the court may well find in your favour they can't do anything if the girl still cuts up rough - they can't fine them or lock them up.

He did keep up contact with the boy for a while but he met another girl and I kid you not has done exactly the same with this girl over a daughter they had together. In and out of court for months at a time.

Hope you get it sorted mate.

Leslie

Mothers with custody are in a very strong position to effectively block the father from seeing the child, and the courts never seem to be bothered!

Les

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

Good advice so far.

It is different when you are married. But then most people who are wanting access to their children are divorcing anyway so it becomes a moot point and the only thing that counts is 1) a court order laying out the terms of your agreement or 2) a mutual agreement made out in front of a solicitor but not enforced by the court.

Whilst it may seem cold, methodical and quite emotionally absent ( a piece of paper) it does make for easier arrangements in the future should either party decide to play funny buggers.

I have it down where I have the boys every other weekend starting on a friday evening and finishing sunday evening and every wednesday night, taking the kids to school on the thursday. Holidays I take them for a week and split time over easter and christmas.

But a word of warning. Regardless of your arrangement, remember you are dealing with women and once they and their friends decide on something, you may find yourself being told something different every day. Stick to your guns and be firm. Remember they can be cold, ruthless and calculating and will and can use your child as a pawn. Not saying it will happen with you but it can.

Good luck and enjoy the time with your new daughter.

The Zohan

Make sure you are on the birth certificate as the father or it is the devils own job and you will need DNA tests to prove otherwise.

If not in writing then it is word of mouth and/or hearsay that you are indeed the father.

Do not engage with the mother if she is looking to or steering the conversation towards a fight or conflict, stay calm and friendly but firm.

Good Luck!

jonny_693

iTrader: (5)

What a prize ****.

ScoobyWon't

And expect to become known to the police.

I have been called out so many times to a supposed 999 emergency and it turns out that the woman just wants us there so she can get an incident number or better yet, the father arrested and a crime number, so she can supply it to her solicitor to use against the male in a custody battle.

madscoob

iTrader: (3)

ok if on benefits you will get help with costs however if working different ball game , my solicitors words to me when i asked if i could get custody ( can you afford to take them to bali ) i replyed no , in that case sir you cant afford to get custody you are looing at 5grand . if you do get court order allowing you access it still boils down to if she will allow , if not look at yet more money

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

Yes unfortunately this can be the case.

My bitch of an ex-wife has caused trouble on a few occasions and both times the police have been called out. First time she decided that she would do this to my scoob with her foot



Result: the police came out and cautioned her. waste of their time as far as I was concerned

Second time she decided it would be fun to block my driveway and sit there until I agreed to her demands. Police called again, a waste of time for them. They asked her to move on.

Result: I got a lovely letter from the Child Services saying that they thought I should sort out my differences and not involve the kids.
Charming isnt it. I get the letter even though she initiated the conflict and my kids get to see their chavvy mum behaving like some deranged Jeremy Kyle candidate.

So as a word of caution to the OP from someone who has been (and still is) at the sharp end of an ex-partner/wife that likes to play games.

I have lost track of the amount of times I have had to bite my tongue, walk away (even when being hit across the head at the time) and turn the other cheek because it was either in front of the kids or not worth the hassle.
Thing is because you have a child together, unfortunately you will never be rid of the other person and sometimes you will just have to bite the bullet and try and be amicable. Never easy.

I just try and make my time with the kids as special as possible

The Zohan

??????????????????????????? - I suggested that the OP keeps his conversations polite but firm and avoids conflict or being steered towards conflict so i do not understand your comments...

ScoobyWon't

Avoiding conflict will help avoiding dealings with police officers, but it is a sad fact that no matter how reasonable someone is, the other will try to get the upperhand. By being polite with any officers who may attend, they are much more likely to be fair with you.

It takes both parties to avoid conflict, sadly you can only control yourself rather than the person who is in dispute with you.

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

I think he means that it is a possible outcome, not a definite one.

ScoobyWon't

Indeed.

The Zohan

Cool, luckily my separation and divorce where child free and amicable which was good and also cheap from a solicitors POV.

I do understand how it can get nasty and conflicts happen and how it can be twisted and kids used as weapons and bargaining tools which is just plain sad and wrong but i suppose it is the only thing left with which to batter and torment you ex with does not make it right though!

CrisPDuk

Given that women can be evil, vindictive bitches when it comes to dealings with ex partners, I would say it's going to be the probable outcome rather than a possible one


I do have a question her for the OP; If your relationship with the mother was already volatile, and you had split up on several previous occasions, why on earth did you then have a kid with her

swisstonihasher

Thanks for all your responses everyone, it seemed like a minefield and now looks like one. I'll leave it for a few weeks playing my ex's way and see if I start getting joint custody, if not then court and the expense that goes with it. I already have to laugh as she's giving me little time with her as I'm such low priority in her eyes yet she wants more money than what I should pay with CSA because she cant afford to live the high life with her 17 year old git of a son - and she doesn't claim CSA from his father at all. I'm already hating it all.

The Zohan

from experience (not me but a family member of Jenny's and his relationship with x) not claiming CSA can be affected other benefits they receive and them loosing out. She (your ex) is about to loose any rights for claiming for the 17 y/o due to thier age and not wishing to be unkind but the new child (your child) ensures the benefits gravy train keeps on paying and paying for years to come. I do speak from experience of seeing this in action.

X has 4 kids by 3 different fathers the youngest being 4 the oldest being now 18 and had a baby of his own. She hasn't needed to work a day in her life being kept by the state, 3 bed house, council tax, child support, jsa etc. She/they has more holidays away/abroad per year than we currently do.

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

I pay a monthly maintenance amount for the kids and only the kids. This was agreed in writing and formed part of the financial settlement. It is index linked and so it rises per year. (cost of living)

Looking at the CSA calculator I was paying way too much based on the amount of kids, the time I have them and my wages. I negotiated a reduction which of course she hated but at the time all the money was being spent on her lifestyle like wine, **** and haircuts it seemed. Now the boys are better looked after and at least some of it seems to go on them but you can never force the ex to spend it how you want. The law does not give you that right.

In the end, it really is up to you how you play it and if you can make it work without legal intervention then great, good on you.

But I doubt it and so using the least line of resistance and if you can get a cheap solicitor, go the legal route and try and get something down on paper.
It will save you a fortune in the long run

mart360

NO NO NO, get it initiated straight away...

Otherwise the longer the leave it, the less chance you have...

The courts will go down the route, that she's with her mum, and you haven't even had contact in the first few weeks!!!

get to a solicitor tomorrow and start the ball rolling.

And get onto the CSA ( how odd eh), By starting a CSA application,

null & voids any private / court orders for maintenance

And anything you give over & above the CSA limit is taken into account.


Mart

Ray T

Also take note, the legal aid changes i.e the new franchises have/are being awarded to solicitors but it means around 40% less solicitors/firms doing legally aided work. So those doing it will be even more overloaded. I see your down as southwest cornwall etc is going to be one on the most under representated areas as well!

Evolution Stu

iTrader: (2)

Hi Guys,
You haven't seen me around much this year as I Too am going through this and the divorce is starting to get messy. Its hard to avoid the conflict and in my experience of having been here and done this twice, it only gets worse once she has a new fella in the stable because he has a natural fear of your getting her back so wants to keep proceedings as poisonous as possible. My advice is this:

• Make your own CSA claim against yourself. I did this first time and it worked well.

• Have a private solicitor write up a separation order detailing what is happening financially. This stops her changing her mind in 2 years time when her mates jump on the bandwagon and demanding earnings you are in receipt of.

• Try and get access in writing, if not by amicable means then use a solicitor / court. And don't forget bank holidays / xmas etc as this will ALWAYS cause massive rows later on.

• Bite your tongue till you haven't got one left. Conflict always, and I mean always, seems to get blamed on the bloke.

With regards CSA, as of April this year, it is not taken into account where benefits are concerned so it really is cream now. The law was changed as many blokes persuaded the woman not to claim as it would come out of their benefits anyway.

The rest of my advice to you has been covered elsewhere, but i wish you all the best mate, its a rocky road but please remember, your little girl isn't to blame, try not to get involved in the poison questions and statements about Mummy, she will thank you for it when she gets older. Mine recently did and it made me feel proud as she trold me her mum constantly slagged me off and now she is older she can see it wasn't true.

(My eldest is 20 now & middle one 16 to my first wife, the youngest one 2 today from my 2nd who I split with in Jan.)

MJW

Been in the same boat myself, I hope you manage to sort it out amicably. I was fortunate in that I managed to keep the courts & the CSA out of it & we formed an agreement between us regarding access and maintenance payments.
The first thing you need to do, if you were not married to your ex partner is to establish parental responsibility. You can get the form from the courts or download it here :

http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/H...rt_forms_id=48