SVXNUT

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'. Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'. His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'. Broken coffee Table $239.99, Hot breakfast $4.20. Two aspirins $.38, Saying the right thing at the right time. PRICELESS!!!

SVXNUT

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it! I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things... She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh ****.....! Am I driving..?"

SVXNUT

An ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Taffy 'Hi, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid bhoyo.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taffy: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taffy: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taffy: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Taffy: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Taffy: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taffy: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......!!'

SVXNUT

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly . The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. ! And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer) M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??

SVXNUT

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: A university graduate and an old bushie. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'. First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two. Destination - Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the old bushie top that, they thought. The old bushie calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three ****** in a pop-up tent. They were three, and we were two. So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The old bushie won.

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

Best one by far is the talking animals


Swiss relief sounds naughty

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

The other day whilst on the bus to work some little **** thought it would be funny to burp in my face. All his little chums were sitting there laughing. I controlled myself from taking the kids' head off and calmly replied.

"...eurgh smells like ****."

That shut the little ****er up. ****.

Will

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

Now the racists and rapists
And open prison escapists
Were just passing by.

And the grabby types,
The Maddie types,
Who want to be a Daddy types
Were just passing by.

And the mug-you types,
And thug-you types
And like to have sex by drug-you types
Were just passing by.

Those on their own,
****ing the phone
With squinty eyes looking like a clone
Were just passing by.

Trucker driving through
Who just got blew
And killed a hooker on the A32
Was just passing by.

And the IT bod
Sat in his pod
Choking on his tongue and writing his blog
Was just passing by.

And the jobless types,
Who are not white
And used to pick cotton and fingers are light
Were just passing by.

And the sick perverts,
Who disconcert
The women with outrageous flirts
And like to fill their mouths with squirts
Were just passing by.

The Sickipedia folk,
Who share a joke;
See a duplicate and almost choke.
Waiting ages for Elton's stroke
Were just passing by.

There's a McDonalds for everyone.

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

My girlfriend has always been a massive cocktease. She would tease all day then just before sex would declare that she is no longer in the mood. She still insisted that she loved me so I decided to propose. I picked out a ring costing a fortune and she agreed to marry me. Quickly the wedding plans began to progress and the big day arrived. As she walked down the aisle she looked amazing. The vicar uttered to me do you take this lady to be you lawful wedded wife. I just replied, I'm no longer in the mood.

That showed the bitch.

warrenm2

If only I'd taken your advice!

Mus

iTrader: (2)

LMAO

SVXNUT

I posted that one b4, and had to edit it before getting banned!!.

SVXNUT

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary ..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really ..." "Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was ******** his wife.

dunx

iTrader: (3)

Real one from work...

Hoody shouts, "You f*ck*n paedo".....

Reply, "You said it was our little secret lover...."

Hoody's pals giving him 5h*t - priceless !

dunx

SVXNUT

A Mexican woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

SVXNUT

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari, You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings... That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

SVXNUT

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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'What's a headache?'

SVXNUT

Come on, I can't be the only joke troll.

Jimpreza

What do you call a police woman with a shaved fanny?











C4nt stubble

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

I work a lowly job as a parcel delivery man and my kids are all retards.

I'm not bitter though. I accept life is full of UPS and downs.

SVXNUT

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

SVXNUT

TWO OLDMEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." "A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER."

SVXNUT

The Human Body ! It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). The average man's ***** is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs