About ime we had a joke again.
08 November 2009, 05:38 PM
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About ime we had a joke again.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?' 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
08 November 2009, 06:14 PM
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Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem. Due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
08 November 2009, 06:19 PM
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TWENTY QUID
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
08 November 2009, 08:10 PM
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WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF 'S DEPT. Investigation
A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegal grown marijuana.'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
*Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says, "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"*
*The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.*
*Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life, and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.*
*With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.*
*The officer is clearly terrified.*
*The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,*
*"Your badge! Show him your *****c**ing badge!"*
A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegal grown marijuana.'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
*Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says, "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"*
*The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.*
*Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life, and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.*
*With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.*
*The officer is clearly terrified.*
*The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,*
*"Your badge! Show him your *****c**ing badge!"*
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09 November 2009, 03:49 PM
#8
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Found on the Refrigerator One Morning : My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
09 November 2009, 06:34 PM
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A fleeing Al-Qaeda guerrilla,desparate for water was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.Hoping to find water,he walked towards the object,only to find a little old Jewish man selling neckties.
"Do you have water" asked the Arab
"I have no water,would you like to buy a tie?they are only $5" said the Jew
"Idiot Jew,Israel should not exist.I do not need a tie.I need water,I should kill you,but I must find water"screamed the Arab
OK,It does not matter to me that you refuse to buy a tie and that you hate me so much.I will show you that i am a better man than you.....If you go over that hill and continue for a short way you will find a restaurant and therefore all the water you need.Shalom."says the Jew
Muttering,the Arab staggers away
Several hours later the Arab returns,now very close to death he whispers
"Your Brother won't let me in unless I have a tie"
"Do you have water" asked the Arab
"I have no water,would you like to buy a tie?they are only $5" said the Jew
"Idiot Jew,Israel should not exist.I do not need a tie.I need water,I should kill you,but I must find water"screamed the Arab
OK,It does not matter to me that you refuse to buy a tie and that you hate me so much.I will show you that i am a better man than you.....If you go over that hill and continue for a short way you will find a restaurant and therefore all the water you need.Shalom."says the Jew
Muttering,the Arab staggers away
Several hours later the Arab returns,now very close to death he whispers
"Your Brother won't let me in unless I have a tie"
09 November 2009, 08:30 PM
#10
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No offence to the Irish ..... 
"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
The assistant said: "Well, no."
"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?"
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
The Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish
just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in fecking Homebase"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are five Irish guys planning to rob a bank. On the big day, just after midnight, they creep along to the bank. They deactivate the alarm system and sneak in. They find their way to the main safe and blow the lock. Once inside they find another 20 little safes, they start to open the first, but all they find is a pot of yoghurt!!! "What's this ****e?" One of them think, but the other one says: "Don't worry 'bout it, Paddy, it'll give us something to eat..."
Slowly they continue, breaking into all the different safes, only to find more yoghurt, more yoghurt and more yoghurt. After all having 4 pots each,they gave up and went home with nothing more than a bloated stomach.
Next morning headline: DUBLIN'S BIGGEST SPERMBANK ROBBED!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seven Englishman and an Irishman are in a rape line up....
The victim walks in and Paddy steps forward and shouts "That's her, the miserable frigid ****er"!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy stood at the bar getting pissed, trying to work out why he’s only got three brothers when his sister has four.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are offended by any Potato Famine jokes ,
feel free to call the complaints line on 0800 1-potato 2-potato 3-potato 4
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish exorcism?
A couple have called in Satan to remove a priest from their son!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Archaeologists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.
It's called 'Traditional Irish Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"
Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man who bought a sleeping bag?
He spent 3 hours trying to wake it up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips and starts pissing into the town fountain.
A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."
The Irishman shoves his **** back in his trousers and zips up. The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked the cop.
"Fooled you," says the Irishman, "I may have put it away but I didn't stop."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave
"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
The assistant said: "Well, no."
"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?"
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
The Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish
just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in fecking Homebase"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are five Irish guys planning to rob a bank. On the big day, just after midnight, they creep along to the bank. They deactivate the alarm system and sneak in. They find their way to the main safe and blow the lock. Once inside they find another 20 little safes, they start to open the first, but all they find is a pot of yoghurt!!! "What's this ****e?" One of them think, but the other one says: "Don't worry 'bout it, Paddy, it'll give us something to eat..."
Slowly they continue, breaking into all the different safes, only to find more yoghurt, more yoghurt and more yoghurt. After all having 4 pots each,they gave up and went home with nothing more than a bloated stomach.
Next morning headline: DUBLIN'S BIGGEST SPERMBANK ROBBED!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seven Englishman and an Irishman are in a rape line up....
The victim walks in and Paddy steps forward and shouts "That's her, the miserable frigid ****er"!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy stood at the bar getting pissed, trying to work out why he’s only got three brothers when his sister has four.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are offended by any Potato Famine jokes ,
feel free to call the complaints line on 0800 1-potato 2-potato 3-potato 4
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish exorcism?
A couple have called in Satan to remove a priest from their son!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Archaeologists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.
It's called 'Traditional Irish Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"
Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man who bought a sleeping bag?
He spent 3 hours trying to wake it up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips and starts pissing into the town fountain.
A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."
The Irishman shoves his **** back in his trousers and zips up. The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked the cop.
"Fooled you," says the Irishman, "I may have put it away but I didn't stop."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave
10 November 2009, 11:29 AM
#11
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A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper ! ! ! "
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper ! ! ! "
10 November 2009, 11:35 AM
#12
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An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
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