hutton_d

.... to while away the traffic jams ...


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had
so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


-------------------------------


"On the one hand, men never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." (Bruce Willis)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" (George Burns)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." (Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." (Henry Kissenger)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." (Courtney ***)

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive *******!'". (Patricia Arquette)

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." (Jerry Garcia)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." (Axel Rose)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." (Rev. Jesse Jackson)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." (Jack Nicholson)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush)

"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful." (Robert De Niro)

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again" (Elizabeth Taylor)

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
(Jerry Seinfield)

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time." (Robin Williams)




-------------------------------------------------

Why is the gap between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? -- because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.
What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? -- You can negotiate with a terrorist.
How do you make a woman come? -- Who cares?
How does a blonde turn the light on after sex? -- She opens the door.
What's a blondes idea of safe sex? -- A bus shelter.
"I am" is the shortest sentence in the world -- "I do" is the longest.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lb.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45min.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? --After a year,the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breast went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.


--------------------------------------