Something evil has crawled up my arse this morning
27 March 2009, 11:35 AM
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Something evil has crawled up my **** this morning
and it's trying to escape! 
I'm sitting here farting like an idiot and the stink is incredible. It's an open plan office and people are walking past and gagging.
I know I need to go to the bog but the building will need fumigating afterwards and I'm scared of setting the fire alarm off with the **** ejected chemical mix.
I think I may stay here increasing the density of this slightly green miasmic cloud until the office is stunned and then have a crap in the disabled bog
What the hell did I eat last night?????
I'm sitting here farting like an idiot and the stink is incredible. It's an open plan office and people are walking past and gagging.
I know I need to go to the bog but the building will need fumigating afterwards and I'm scared of setting the fire alarm off with the **** ejected chemical mix.
I think I may stay here increasing the density of this slightly green miasmic cloud until the office is stunned and then have a crap in the disabled bog
What the hell did I eat last night?????
27 March 2009, 11:53 AM
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HOW TO CRAP AT WORK
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK CRAP is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
------------------
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
--------
The act of scouting out a toilet before crapping. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the toilet.
ESCAPEE
-----------
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
-------------
When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
---------------------
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has
to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
-------------------
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the toilet. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER
----------------------------------
A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet crapper enter the toilet with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet crapper before entering the toilet.
THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (C.F.N)
------------------------------------------------
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet crappers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
----------------
A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the toilet.
TURD BURGLAR
------------------
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
-----------------
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the toilet that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
----------
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the toilet immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
WATERMELON
----------------
A crap that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
-------------------
A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
-------------
A toilet user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap when the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other toilet attendees.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK CRAP is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
------------------
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
--------
The act of scouting out a toilet before crapping. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the toilet.
ESCAPEE
-----------
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
-------------
When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
---------------------
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has
to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
-------------------
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the toilet. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER
----------------------------------
A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet crapper enter the toilet with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet crapper before entering the toilet.
THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (C.F.N)
------------------------------------------------
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet crappers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
----------------
A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the toilet.
TURD BURGLAR
------------------
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
-----------------
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the toilet that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
----------
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the toilet immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
WATERMELON
----------------
A crap that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
-------------------
A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
-------------
A toilet user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap when the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other toilet attendees.
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27 March 2009, 12:29 PM
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https://www.scoobynet.com/hutch-8/67...?highlight=man
27 March 2009, 12:36 PM
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When you get home, trying dragging one of these through your intestines. Be sure to remove the decorations. To be taken orally, pointy end first.
http://atlantadailyphoto.files.wordp...stmas_tree.jpg
http://atlantadailyphoto.files.wordp...stmas_tree.jpg
27 March 2009, 01:00 PM
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And oldie but quite a read
When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.
I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well.
Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my turds to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of **** kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.
Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.
I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.
Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.
She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her *** (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I friggin love women.
So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my dick out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.
She stuck her finger up my ***.
My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.
I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL turd, all over her parents comforter.
No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest turd and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.
And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.
I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the ****.
I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in dung and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.
Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my *** a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my *** had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.
I grab my turd with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.
I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest turd of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.
Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a dump and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY fukk!". It was one of those moments.
The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.
I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.
Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shat on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.
I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well.
Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my turds to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of **** kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.
Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.
I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.
Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.
She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her *** (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I friggin love women.
So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my dick out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.
She stuck her finger up my ***.
My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.
I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL turd, all over her parents comforter.
No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest turd and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.
And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.
I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the ****.
I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in dung and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.
Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my *** a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my *** had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.
I grab my turd with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.
I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest turd of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.
Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a dump and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY fukk!". It was one of those moments.
The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.
I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.
Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shat on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
Last edited by SubaruDude; 27 March 2009 at 01:03 PM.
27 March 2009, 01:40 PM
#14
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Cheers for that, just spat my lunch at the monitor!!!
Shame they're only 'devleoping' these:- http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Wor..._Space_Station
Last edited by jerryh; 27 March 2009 at 01:43 PM. Reason: Just remembered reading the link this morning
27 March 2009, 01:59 PM
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LMFAO 
When I used to screed large areas (using a latex based screed which smelled like cats ****) the following evenings farts were eye watering, even the smallest bum gas leakage could clear the livingroom with the family gagging for air! I remember once whilst working in the borders, I let a big 'un go in the pub one evening, due to the smoking ban all you could smell was strong screed fart, I observed the punters as they all looked at each other with a 'was that you look' After a second dose of the fatal gas, some were actually going outside to escape it! I did the right thing in the end though, I turned to my apprentice and said in a loud voice 'If you need to fart again please go outside' Half the punters started to laugh although still gagging for air, my apprentice went rather red (dunno if it was embarrassment or fart induced) and tried to blame me!
When I used to screed large areas (using a latex based screed which smelled like cats ****) the following evenings farts were eye watering, even the smallest bum gas leakage could clear the livingroom with the family gagging for air! I remember once whilst working in the borders, I let a big 'un go in the pub one evening, due to the smoking ban all you could smell was strong screed fart, I observed the punters as they all looked at each other with a 'was that you look' After a second dose of the fatal gas, some were actually going outside to escape it!
I did the right thing in the end though, I turned to my apprentice and said in a loud voice 'If you need to fart again please go outside' Half the punters started to laugh although still gagging for air, my apprentice went rather red (dunno if it was embarrassment or fart induced) and tried to blame me!
27 March 2009, 02:11 PM
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Speaking of farts...
...I once got into the lift at work in the basement where the car park was and clearly someone had just got out the lift and let one rip - it was disgusting.
Anyway, the door closes trapping the smell and it goes as far as the ground floor where the Finance Director gets in. He just looks at me like - you smelly *******. We go all the way to the sixth floor.
Denying it would have been futile.
What made it worse is that I told a friend at work who then told the FD who spent the next day laughing his **** off at me and taking the **** no end!
...I once got into the lift at work in the basement where the car park was and clearly someone had just got out the lift and let one rip - it was disgusting.
Anyway, the door closes trapping the smell and it goes as far as the ground floor where the Finance Director gets in. He just looks at me like - you smelly *******. We go all the way to the sixth floor.
Denying it would have been futile.
What made it worse is that I told a friend at work who then told the FD who spent the next day laughing his **** off at me and taking the **** no end!
27 March 2009, 02:12 PM
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27 March 2009, 02:25 PM
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I've not been yet and I'm getting back-firing farts
You know the ones.... they go back UP into your gut. I'm sitting here rumbling and my guts are getting bigger. The belt on my trousers is actually getting tighter and now I need a pee.
Christ I can't go in the main bogs - there's side by side cubicles in there and the urinals are right in front of them. I'd be responsible for multiple deaths and if they DON'T die, I'd have to kill them if they identified me.
I can't go to the private disabled bog, 'cos that opens up straight into the corridor right outside the womens bogs.
Oh God help me I just let one go and it's fecking minging......
Chemically enhanced vegetarian dumps, there's nothing worse.... and I'm at the bleeding epicentre.
You know the ones.... they go back UP into your gut. I'm sitting here rumbling and my guts are getting bigger. The belt on my trousers is actually getting tighter and now I need a pee.
Christ I can't go in the main bogs - there's side by side cubicles in there and the urinals are right in front of them. I'd be responsible for multiple deaths and if they DON'T die, I'd have to kill them if they identified me.
I can't go to the private disabled bog, 'cos that opens up straight into the corridor right outside the womens bogs.
Oh God help me I just let one go and it's fecking minging......
Chemically enhanced vegetarian dumps, there's nothing worse.... and I'm at the bleeding epicentre.
27 March 2009, 02:38 PM
#26
Also known as daz
Oh great this thread has me rumbling now, i did have a bowl of pasta/coronation chicken and mature cheddar so this could get interesting, im just bunged up for now.
27 March 2009, 04:58 PM
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IT'S A BOY!!!!!!
Weighing in at 3 metric tons, baby Baz was born into a porcelain bowl at 14:30 on March 27, 2009
Father & Son are both doing well. At least the Father is, he's bouncing around able to do his trousers up. The son is presumed drowned somewhere.... although it did take a couple of attempts to stop him poking his head out.....
After a carefully planned and faultlessly executed ninja style attack on the visitors toilets, involving sneaking onto the lift, avoiding the receptionists with their death gaze (no really... they're scary!) and unloading into the private bog; all is now safe.
Sneaking back was fraught with peril as the receptionist death gaze medusas were alerted due to the sounds of relief, splashes and mid-push flushes, but it was managed by carefully co-ordinating the escape with the far lift becoming available.
Fortunately the incredible stink was contained due to the airlock system in operation but I may have to leave via the emergency exit at the far end of the building.
Weighing in at 3 metric tons, baby Baz was born into a porcelain bowl at 14:30 on March 27, 2009
Father & Son are both doing well. At least the Father is, he's bouncing around able to do his trousers up. The son is presumed drowned somewhere.... although it did take a couple of attempts to stop him poking his head out.....
After a carefully planned and faultlessly executed ninja style attack on the visitors toilets, involving sneaking onto the lift, avoiding the receptionists with their death gaze (no really... they're scary!) and unloading into the private bog; all is now safe.
Sneaking back was fraught with peril as the receptionist death gaze medusas were alerted due to the sounds of relief, splashes and mid-push flushes, but it was managed by carefully co-ordinating the escape with the far lift becoming available.
Fortunately the incredible stink was contained due to the airlock system in operation but I may have to leave via the emergency exit at the far end of the building.
