New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Once an englishman, a frenchie and an irishman went on a ship. Their ship broke down and they were stranded in the middle of nowhereland, where a dangerous tribe had control.

They were tied and brought to the chief. The chief said they had to die, but he could give them an option, whether they wanted their heads cut off, or injected with the HIV virus.

The englishman said he'd rather choose immediate death, so he was beheaded.

Same with the french guy

The irishman chose HIV injection. After getting injected, he went away smiling to himself, "F*ckers, they didnt know i am wearing a condom"


---------------------------------

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the South side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .....

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'****ing hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Leslie

Very good, worth the long read.

Les

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

Very good, in the version I heard at uni, years ago, he asks her: "Don't tell me you've a set of golf clubs?"

Alcazar

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

Nice one

The ending I heard with the guy on the island was

" bloody hell, dont tell me I can check my emails as well "

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Do you ever wonder where people got their surnames from?

Perhaps Mr Baker was a baker, Mr Butcher was a butcher and Mr Butler was a butler etc.

Increasingly worried about Mr Dickinson!

Zammo McGuire

good one!