Snazy

Well its taken this long for it all to mount up, but suddenly im at the bottom of a really steep hill! With no momentum left.

I will keep it brief.

Mum as most know has cancer. Has refused any other treatment than chemo. And has taken herself off the last course of chemo and vowed to take no more.
Over the past couple of weeks her condition has deteriorated, and I finally got her to go to the GP's yesterday. Just before that I caught her on the phone cancelling her hospital appointment for today too.
GP said she MUST go to hospital today to see them as he cant run the tests he wants running.

This morning.... she has point blank refused to go.

Emotionally and mentally I am at the end of my teather today and really dont have the energy to force the issue. Instead I just has to see her struggle round the house, look like $hit, and get worse.......

Sorry to dump that on y'all..... off to blog now.

hectic

*hug*

David Lock

Sorry to hear this.

Forgive a direct and blunt question but can you get her into a Hospice through Macmillan or similar? Perhaps she'd refuse though as is her right, of course. dl

Snazy

Cheers guys.

David, she wont go to see a GP unless I drag her, she has now refused to go to hospital for a check up, so hospice.... no chance. I cant even get her to talk to Macmillan, let alone trust them

At this stage I would be happy if she would have the soddin blood tests that have been asked of her. But in her wierd mental state (which has got worse) she is putting up all sorts of barriers.

Not sure how else to do it. If she gets worse I can call an ambulance or something, but even they wont take her if she refuses. And as previous, she just discharges herself when she can walk again. Did it with COPD.

Blog update Snazy's Space

hectic

My Bro in Law did pretty much the same towards the end, Snazy.. went from a strapping foundry worker to a husk in little under three month..
eventually got him to a hospice ( much chagrins to even get that, he mistrusted any form of doctor, hospital etc) his mind went from one extreme to the other, one day totally switched on, next gone, next back on.. totally wierd how it went, but all you can do is be there for her , difficult enough, i know, but thats about all you can do.

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

I know it may sound drastic, but is there not some kind of mental health act they could use to get her to hospital?

Sorry to hear about your mum it by the way.

My mum was sort of similar. She had bowel cancer which they managed to get rid of (removed the bowl and had a colostomy bag) then about a yr later it returned in a different part of her body and she refused all treatment as she couldnt go through what she had already gone through again. It was awful seeing her there at home wasting away (she got too ill to be moved to a hospice local to us)

Snazy

Na she is not a danger to herself, just seems to be all over the place with her train of thought. Listening to her on the phone just now, talking about how she has no faith in the hospital, they dont know what they are doing etc.. But refuses to discuss the whole issue with outsiders, so to speak. Macmillan etc.

Its just frustrating to see her doing this. While I support in a sense, her wish to just go naturally. It feels un-natural to allow her to refuse the simple things like blood tests. They are not giving her any more chemo as it is, they just want to monitor her and keep her comfy. But she wont even allow this now.

One minute she is all croaky, saying how poorly she is, then in the next breath, she is talking as if she is fine. Its hard to know which is which.

PS thanks for sharing your experiences too Good to not feel so alone.

dpb

Youll need a doctor to assess her mental state for this i think im right in saying .

Snazy

Yup, you can call one out to do that, but they have to be a significant danger to themselves or others before they can be sectioned, and even then, sectioning is a very short term order in most cases.

DCI Gene Hunt

Devils advocate Guy's....

Snazy, maybe she feels like she's had enough, and wants to live out her remaining days as normal as possible?

Now I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, and yes it places an immense strain on you and your family, BUT if I was against the clock I'd like to think I'd spend my last few weeks being as normal as I could be rather than having tests, drugs, etc. and only withering away in the end anyway!

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees... sit down with her and instead of insisting what her course of action she should take... talk to her about her life, her family and then gently ask why she has decided this course of action and then the best thing you can do is support her...

But remember at the end of the day it's her life to live.....

All the best though fella, it sounds close to emotional meltdown at your place at the moment though.

DCI

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

Michael, why is she refusing to do any more? Is it because she's had enough and accepts her fate or is it because she's scared? I've not been through this so am not really qualified to help like the others above but all I can say is that you may just have to accept what it is that she wants and simply be there for her.

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

That's ^^^ exactly what I was trying to say

mrtheedge2u2

Michael, I agree with DCI on this. When my Grandad new it was all in vain he vowed to live as normal a life as possible.

It sometimes comes down to wanting either a 1 year life being 'normal' or 1.5 year life with the tradce off being sick from chemo and feeling absolute sh1te from the treatment.

Snazy

DCI, im down with that mate. Have said all along its her choice and right to do as she wishes, and would never try and obstruct that. But right now she is ill, and needs to be looked at. Not the cancer, but the side effects of the treatement. Effects they are confident are NOT right, and have requested she goes for some tests.

No one will force her to have treatment she does not want. I have already supported her choice not to have surgery or radiotherapy. But when I have to live with seeing her in a bad way, hear her choking and vomitting at night, and seeing her struggle to get round the house, out of breath and not eating, its not easy.

In the long term im not trying to change anything, go against her wishes, and fully support her all the way. I guess what im saying is, right now I am having trouble coping with those decisions, and acknowledge that I have reached a low point, which I am having trouble with. Its me that needs to get sorted out right now, I know that. Just figuring out how I can get out of this mental rutt, and start being supportive again.

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

I can't imagine how unbelievably hard it must be for you to go through this, I'd be in bits if it was my Mum. You know you'll get support from the nice peeps on here, I know it's only virtual support but every little helps

lozgti

Feel for you.

I know this is not about my mom but I am sure she has Alzheimers.Not the person I knew and she has fallen out with her whole family with her aggressive and odd behaviour.

Breaks my heart,have asked her to go to a Doctor which seems was the worst thing I could have said.

Reason for the post,I can understand just how difficult it is to get a grown person to do something and how hard that is on the people around them

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

yep think DCI has hit it on the head (is there anything that fella doesnt know )

Can you not try a bit of reverse physcology (sp) on your mum if your mum is doing the opposite to what you say?

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

Try asking him what your inside leg measurement is

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

Sorry to be blunt but not having read about your mum I am assuming it is terminal cancer?

What your actually doing now is grieving even though she is still here. You may need to talk to a proffesional to maybe try to help you. From what you have written you obviously do most things for your mum. Can you get support from the macmillan nurses for yourself?

Snazy

Was just about to reply then realised.... I cant, im too confused to make sense.... Hmmm

DCI, totally with you mate, I do agree with what you say, and as a whole I do just as you have suggested.

I think its the combo of everything all coming together now.

I have the legal case at work (on going)
I am trying to return to work, but thats not going too well
I have the mums illness to deal with (inc losing her)
I am still trying to get her to see or tell her sister.
Desperate to find a way fo rmy daughter to see her before she goes. (not seen her for 9 years, long complex situ)
Think I have finally made a break through with my sister, getting her to spend time round here.

All that and a whole load more far more "minor" things.

Its just mental meltdown time right now. Just got to find the right way to deal with it all and get the brain dept back on track.

Snazy

I dont doubt it is partially grief. I would agree with that. Yes its terminal cancer.

I have not spoken to any professionals about it for myself yet, but im reaching that stage now. However there are other issues that make the matter more complex, as listed above. Im just trying to make sense of what I can for the time being.

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

I think to be honest now is the time to start looking after your own wellbeing then you will be in a better frame of mind to help/support your mum in times ahead. There is nothing wrong with being selfish in such circumstances. You have mentioned your sister, have you talked to her about how your feeling? Im not in the medical proffesion or anything but to be honest Snazy you sound like you are on the verge of a massive breakdown (understandable with what your going through)

DCI Gene Hunt

Snazy, you just need to see (as we all do) that none of this is (or should be) your cross to carry.... the choices being made is the responsibility of others, and although you may be able to influence their decisions it's ultimately all out of your control. However, you shouldn't feel like you're "out of control" as it was never really yours in the first place.

You're a sound/genuine bloke but you need to understand that you may not be able to 'fix' this as you'd hoped... so it's seriously a case of not stressing/worrying to the point of making yourself ill in the process.

My current signature says it all:

"Procrastination is a thief of time".... your mums made her decision and is sticking to it (as one day we all may have to) for now just let it all go and enjoy the time you all have!

DCI

Snazy

Jay, yup im trying to come to terms with some of it, and deal with other bits right now, but know its really gonna all come tumbling down sometime soon if I dont do something soon.

Missus is on her way over now

Spoken to my sister today, she is coming round in her lunch break. Phoned mum earlier, but is honestly useless with these things. A couple of years back I had mum taken to hospital in an ambulance with her COPD, a couple of weeks later she was back in, this time I took her on doctors request. Specialist in the hospital wanted her to stay in, she was having none of it. So I asked my sister to come to the hospital to get her to convince mum.

The convo went like this

Sis "they want you to stay in mum"
Mum " Im not staying here"
Sis "ok"

End of.


DCI, I get ya mate, just cant "let go" of some of the things. They all need dealing with at some time, feels un-natural to just let things go. Not my thing usually.
I fully appreciate that I cant make mum better, extend her life, and would not want to do too many things which would ruin her quality of life.
But I would love her to just get checked out properly.

The Trooper 1815

iTrader: (31)

She brought you to this world, help her, as difficult as it may be while she is still here.

Seize the day mate.

Snazy

I know what you mean, sorta. But "help her" in what way ?

DCI Gene Hunt

I think he means help her as in support her?

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

think they mean follow your mums wishes, she has said no so you will help her by not keep asking her (however hard it is as you have her best interests at heart)

Snazy

Aaaah I gotcha
Wasnt being confrontational about it, just wondered what it meant

Im gonna go for a run, do a bit of "running away" from it all for a bit, in a funny sorta way. Then call work, and back to the grindstone.


I wont be asking her to go to the hospital anymore, just gonna let it be now.
Hard part is, in some senses she has actually be happy that I have applied pressure, so part of me deciding NOT to apply pressure feels like im letting her down.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont eh lol