r32

Snazy, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, with all the other things happening in your life it must be very difficult. I wish there was some way we could help. Stay strong and support your Mum.

Snazy

Cheers I appreciate your thoughts

chocolate_o_brian

iTrader: (22)

cant really offer any further advice on what has already been written michael (spelt your name right ). all i can do is understand the situation your in.

natalies grandfather (stone of the community, ex judge etc, good al round chap) had bowel cancer. he refuses any treatment, as its the guys wish to go naturally. he cant poo anymore and has a bag strapped to his stomach, and thats degrading enough for him. we all think maybe around a year-18 months hes got left, he knows it himself, very intelligent repsected man, but he wants out of this world without any toobs strings attached etc.

i commend the bloke for his actions, as he refuses to curl up, and still has the same positive attitude as before. the sad part is just before his diagnosis, he and his wife (who have been together since he was 16) had a lovely home built in spain to see out their days.

hope you find something in the words written above. again i can relate in all the crap i got going on with work, and im trying to support nat in a sad time for her watching her grand father slowly die, isnt nice to see.

all the best mate, your one of the genuine guys on here...

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Snazy, I think the best you can do is make sure that she has the right medication for the road ahead, you need to go and see your GP and explain the situation and hopefully he/she will go and see her and prescribe whats appropriate.

It is her decision if she doesnt want to be treated, now it may be simply she has had enough or doesnt want to for other reasons, their may be underlying mental health issues coming to the fore, still I suspect that like some pregnant women who decide on a natrual birth with no pain relief up front and then have everything available when it actually happens, you may find that she changes her opinion somewhat so some preparation is in order.

You mention that your sister is selfish, to be honest , in this situation, and it pains me to say it your mum seems to have a similar streak, I know she is ill but sometimes you need to do stuff for those around you, not just yourself, maybe if you could make her see how this avoiding medical help is making you feel it might get through to her, ok not having the cancer treatment is one thing but no medical intervention whatsoever is foolish and causing you anguish. I dont say that lightly, we have this tendancy to treat anyone with an illness as being beyond criticsm and call them brave, some are, some arent, I know I wouldnt be.

Plus, look after yourself as you seem to be suffering more than your mum at the moment and you are not the one thats ill, I dont think drugs are the answer in these situations but a step back now and again, a good night out and some exercise clear the head.

Snazy

Thanks for the compliment and the words of advice mate.
I guess a lot of things frustrate me about the whole thing, the limited experiences mum has had in her 70 years. Wish I could do something to change that. But I respect her wishing to go with dignity and go out fighting, I would be the same.

Im glad im here for her, but the instability mentally is a tough one to come to terms with, especially as I am becoming increasingly unstable myself!
I know right now I have to sort myself out. Just working out how the hell I am going to do that. Thats where the confusion begins.

hectic

Snazy.. when your mum is in the frame of mind that she can actually 'think straight' ie be herself, not a zombie due to the treatment.. talk about things she will remember, things from your childhood, things that have happened over the years.. daft things.. as crazy as it is, its usually these little 'forgotten gems' that mean the world and can brighten up anyones day, let alone someone in the position your mums in.
As said, fella..Carpe Diem.. its there for us all.

Best wishes , fella

Snazy

Thats the first battle mate. GP cant run the tests he needs to, to prescribe something. Only hospital can, and she wont go there for blood tests etc.

She has changed her mind once, agreeing to chemo, but has now changed her mind back again and wants no more. Im prepared for that to change again, but not thinking its gonna happen.

They indeed have their similarities mate, its not wrong to say that for one second. I dont think mum is being selfish, just a bit ignorant really. Blinkered a little I guess, not knowing or wanting to know whats round the corner.

Totally agree, I think thats what todays little mental emotional outburst is all about. Recognising and confronting that I have issues I need to deal with. Im going running now actually, just to destress a little.

Snazy

I dont think the state of mind is drug induced, she has been off them for a week now. Been getting a bit like this for the last 6 months - 1 year before all this. Losing her marbles a little. But when she is all there, the conversation is there, and very rational. We talk more now than we ever have. Which is why being off was so good. I was there for those moments.

Julz1983

Snaz, sorry about your Mum, I really dunno what to say about trying to hellp her, you never know what to do for the best at times like these.


My Dad died of cancer 5 years ago now, he was only 55, it was horrible to watch, he was in hospital as he got worse while in there so couldn't leave, he was due to come home on the Saturday and I stayed at home to wait for people bring different things we needed in the house, then I got a phone call to say he had got worse and wouldn't be coming home, he ended up in a semi-concious coma, that night he died, never made it home where he wanted to be, for 3 weeks solid day and night we were at the hospital, I was 8 months pregnant at the time (being an only child it was also the 1st grandchild), so needless to say he never seen his 1st grandchild either, as the saying goes 'one goes out of the world as another one comes in', how true that saying was!

It was all so emotionally draining, so I dunno how you are managing at home and not having any doctors, hospitals etc. Don't blame yourself for any of it though! My Mam and me always kept asking 'why' afterwards, why couldn't something be done, why didn't we push my Dad to go to the doctors when he sometimes didn't feel too good. We drove ourselves mad, we lost loads of weight, my Mam was down to a size 8, I had my daughter 3 weeks after my Dad had died and the weight came off straight away with all the stress, I was a size 8/10 and ended up anaemic. Even now I get really upset as having sat and watched him deteriorate and not being able to do anything for himself was heartbreaking.

I'm not sounding harsh here, but when the day comes and everything has got over with you will sit down one day and feel like a huge weight has been lifted, my Mam and me done exactly that, the place was empty and you didn't know what to do but to know it was all over with and noone was suffering anymore was a comfort in itself.

I won't ever forget my Dad and I'll make sure my daughter grows up knowing about him and yes I thought and still do think it was unfair but you can't predict the future and you can't change the past!

Sorry for the lack of advice and the rant, it's enough to put anyone off replying lol, but I hope everything works out in the end, for everyone.

Snazy

Thank you Julz, I totally understand where your coming from about the weight lifted. I can imagine in a strange way it would feel like that.

Sorry to hear of your experience too. Quite apt in a way to replace life with life though, if that makes sense. Your daughter being born.

Last thing I would want is mum sticking around for year in pain and misery, so im quite understanding towards her wanting it over with.

Aaaaah I dunno im losing my words now, so will hush for a while. Thankyou to everyone for their replies etc. Im gonna go for a run now and try and wear myself out a bit.

Julz1983

Just remember to make time for yourself while it's all still going on and not let everything get on top of you (best you can anyways).

Why is always a question everyone will ask, just like why does the news always have to put out these fantastic new break throughs for cancer sufferers, is there a proven one yet?? I don't think so, it builds everyones hopes up then you end up having a big fall!

I often look back and think to myself if anyone had asked me what I would be doing at 19 (which is how old I was at the time) I might have said I hope to be with someone (as it happens I got married at 19) I don't think I would have said I'd be expecting as it was a surprise to me even lol but I definately wouldn't have been saying I'll have lost a parent.

I'm quite supersticious now for many reasons of what happened, one recent one was when I went into hospital myself in Jan this year, I ended up having an emergency operation to basically save my life, I ended up in the same hospital, on the same ward, in the same bed space at the same time of year as my Dad had been in, some people may find that freaky but I didn't mind and it made me think someone was trying to tell me something.

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

thought you had been for a run, it was 9 mins since your last post

(just trying to lighten things up a bit )

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

when my mum was nearing the last few months of her life 18 months ago she didnt have much fight left in her. she was only ill for 6 months before she died. it was a matter of telling her what she was going to be doing. i wish she had shown some feistiness (sp) but she was totally the opposite, even though she didnt believe she was going to die.

i feel awful for you having to deal with this extra battle. i know first hand how tough the coming months will be. i hope for your sake and your mums that this is just her digging her heels in as she doesnt really believe how ill she is.
i have my fingers crossed for you both snazy :

btw, did you read my thread i started when my mum first got ill

https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...pecialist.html

you may not have been around then but there is a lot of experiences that may help you

Snazy

Cheers Sara, yeah have had a read of it, might be worth a revisit to reflect again I guess

Jay, cheeky sod, im back now. 1 hour of cardio and some chest, just to make sure I have no energy left to think
It worked.

Mum on the other hand is behaving like a scolded dog, creeping around, making bits of conversation, trying to strike one up.... Hmmmm

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

its what im doing later, helps me to take my mind off Molly the dog who died on saturday

(also it will tire me out for tonights parenting class as well )

Snazy

Yeah im so knackered now I just wanna sleep all evening
Glad im not the only one it works for. Hope your coming to terms with Molly.

Leslie

I can't say how sorry I am about all this Snazy. You are obviously a very caring person and I would feel exactly the same as you if it was my mum in such a situation.

DCI's advice is first rate and I could not think of a better way to put it. It is her choice and if she has made up her mind there probably wont be any way you can get her to do differently. You did so well to get her to get some treatment in the first place. We all think differently, I was prepared to do everything the doctors said in my own case and obviously I am very glad that I did. I have no false illusions though!

I think you have made the right decision now, and that is to let her take her own decisions, maybe she will change her mind with a bit more thought in the future. You will have to be strong in yourself and that is important. It will help if you can accept it how it is and just hope that matters may improve. She must know full well how you think and I really hope that you will get some support from your sister. Maybe if you tell your mum straight how you personally feel about it but that you will sit back and leave it all to her now. Could just make a difference to her thinking too.

We are all backing you here anyway.

Les

Snazy

Cheers Les, and everyone who has had a read, a comment, and caring

Yup after my run, reflection and resting I know its the right thing to do now. I will speak to her about my feelings about the whole matter soon, just need some "me" time so I dont get it wrong.

I cant see her changing her mind about any other treatments, but realise that what is happening cant be changed, so there is no point in being bitter or annoyed with her decisions.

Im off on holiday for a couple of weeks in just over 2 weeks time, so im hoping that it will be long enough to recharge my batteries. Lets wait and see. Still gonna be worrying that my sister is taking care of matters....

PaulC72

Snaz, only just read this thread, my thoughs are with you and hopefully you will find the strength to deal with this pressure.

I am sure whatever you manage to get done to help her it will be the right choice and have your mothers best interests at heart.

Wishing you well

Paul.

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

I don't really know what I can say that would help you. How are things now, has your Mam had any change of heart?

Myles

iTrader: (40)

Stay strong mate. Myles.

Snazy

Cheers guys and gals...

Lots of time to reflect over the past few days, and come to terms with "the next move". Which is to accept she has reached the point she does not want to be pushed beyond. Rather than pursue treatment and almost force her into it, im taking a back seat for a while, let the dust settle and see how she feels in a week or so under less pressure.

Thinking about it, pressure from me about "doing the right thing" aka doing what I want her to do, cant be helping the situation too much either.
Sister as expected has disappeared off the face of the earth again, shock horror!!! (not)

I had a very frank discussion with my work today (my boss is leaving today), and outlined what I would and would not be doing in the coming weeks and months. The offer of personal leave was much appreciated, but probably a little premature at this time, as I explained to them. I would rather save that for later down the line.

In reality, I cant see mum changing her mind about the treatment and accepting more. Its been bad enough watching her health deteriorate from the outside,so god knows what it feels like from the inside.

So, the next few weeks will be "selfish" weeks, where I am going to get on with my own life for a while, and stay on track myself, mentally and physically. Of course I will still be there, helping her our, doing all my duties lol. But will give her ear a rest from chewing it off about options and treatments.

However the first sign of a deterioration of health, and she is getting dragged kicking and screaming to the hospital.

As for my sister.......... *tumbleweed blows through...........
I might take my niece and nephew to the theatre to see into the hoods tomorrow afternoon..... so she will have an opportunity to spend a couple of hours with mum... Lets see what happens.

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

I think you are right to just let things settle a bit, you never know, she may have a change of mind, at least about getting her condition more comfortable, if not treatment. When all is said and done, it's her choice, and I think you are causing yourself more stress if you fight her on it, but a little tough love maybe needed as you say, if she does get worse.

As for your sister, as much as it must be frustrating, the lack of responsibility she is taking, again, that's her cross to bear, if she can live with the way she is behaving, let her, you are only causing yourself more stress if you know what I mean (badly worded, but I hope you see where I'm coming from).

Good luck with everything, I hope you have a good holiday, and you get the break from 'reality' albeit for a short time that you deserve. Just remember, looking after yourself too, is not being selfish.

Snazy

Cheer Lisa
With my mind back on track I have already managed to get a few things back on track, some training included, which is important to me.
Noticed I have stopped eating rubbish again which I did for a few days lol.

Got the tickets all booked up for tomorrow, so my niece and nephew get to go to "Uncle Michael's Boot Camp" which is a good thing as they need to learn some manners lol.

4 times seeing the show is a bit sad I know, but it just helps me to relax. Thank god I get cheap tickets eh.

Florida just 2 weeks away now, final stresses of getting away almost passed now. Just got the kennels to pay for and its a done deal.

While im away, I will have time to relax and reflect, and mum will have some time on her own to have a good think about her next move too. Will be in daily contact, so I can keep an eye on her too.

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

Glad to hear you are getting back into a better frame of mind, you really do need to look after yourself.

Like I've said before, you are all in my thoughts, I really hope things do get better.

P.S. Good luck with the little horrors tomorrow, I think this could be your biggest hurdle yet.

Snazy

Hell no, tomorrow will be easy, the kids are petrified of me
Respect of in the river, never fails

Yeah looking after me is important too, you're right. Which is why I am looking forward to the coming weeks. Tattoo finished on Monday, shopping for Florida next weekend after payday.... See the show a few more times lol... tis all good.

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

Ah hun, tis about time you started putting yourself at a level of importance.

Just enjoy the coming weeks, I'm sure you will, a bit r and r will do you the world of good I'm sure.

I'm looking forward to going to hospital soon, nothing serious, but panicing (sp) now Saying that, I might get a little break from work, so not all bad.

Snazy

I always look forward to trips to the hospital. Strange but kinda humbles me to be there, knowing how fortunate I am. (some of the time, when its not me being treated lol)

I seem to find it a great place to reflect on things. Especially Guys, when they had the harpist playing.......wow !

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

I'll try and look at it that way. I fear hospitals, and any sort of pain, so I can't say I'm looking forward to the trip there, plus the op is at 7.45 am, that's earlier than I get up for work.

mart360

Snazy,

don,t take this the wrong way, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

You could possibly solve one of your problems by addressing one of the other problems.

It may be your mum dosent want to hear things from you, as she knows the full picture.

Prehaps if another woman was to talk to her, she may listen. Her sister would be the obvious choice.

My mum lost touch with her brothers many years ago, (family reasons), last year, one of them died, she wasnt going to go to the funeral for reasons known unto her, i spoke to her, and pushed her to go, knowing that if she didnt, she would in all honesty probably never see any of them again.

It wasnt easy, and even up to the last minute (ie minutes before the service, she was going to get me to drive her home, (a 5 hour journey btw).

Luckily we managed to get her to go through with it, and now she has seen all her brothers several times since.

as i said, sometimes you have to look longterm as opposed to the now.

the other thing is deep down, i suspect your mum knows, and dosent want to burden you with her problems,

its your decision, but i,d seriously contact her sister,

Mart