Tuesdays Joke (got the day right this time)
12 February 2008, 03:46 PM
#1
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Tuesdays Joke (got the day right this time)
It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative ****-up he ends up in Heaven, stood outside the pearly gates.
Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries "what the **** are you doing here?!"
Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?"
"Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!"
Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?"
Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates.
On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can **** off for a start!"
Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven."
Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here."
Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven."
Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I cant do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!"
Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!"
Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad."
So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat.
God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!"
"Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!"
On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his *** off.
Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? ******* IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cu/\/t!"
Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries "what the **** are you doing here?!"
Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?"
"Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!"
Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?"
Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates.
On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can **** off for a start!"
Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven."
Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here."
Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven."
Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I cant do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!"
Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!"
Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad."
So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat.
God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!"
"Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!"
On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his *** off.
Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? ******* IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cu/\/t!"
12 February 2008, 04:04 PM
#3
Think I'll join you Dave
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
12 February 2008, 04:08 PM
#4
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Think I'll join you Dave
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
12 February 2008, 04:20 PM
#7
Another one for you....seems all mine revolve around golf courses!
The Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here
are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he
picked up the rif le and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,'said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a
grand here...
The Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here
are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he
picked up the rif le and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,'said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a
grand here...
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12 February 2008, 07:34 PM
#9
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st peter go's down to the pearly gates and sees 40 gypseys stood there,
gypsey, "can we come in ?"
st peter , "you cant all come in theres no room , wait here, ill go and ask god for you".
god says, "tell them theres only room for 12 no more"
so off peter go's.....he's gone 2 minutes comes back and says "they have gone"
god says "all of them"
peter "...................... NO THE FOOKIN GATES"
gypsey, "can we come in ?"
st peter , "you cant all come in theres no room , wait here, ill go and ask god for you".
god says, "tell them theres only room for 12 no more"
so off peter go's.....he's gone 2 minutes comes back and says "they have gone"
god says "all of them"
peter "...................... NO THE FOOKIN GATES"
Last edited by paulwrxboro; 12 February 2008 at 07:40 PM.
12 February 2008, 07:54 PM
#10
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A Pakistani, a Nigerian, and an Islamic Fundamentalist go up to heaven and knock on the pearly gates. St Peter ushers them straight through, and wishes them all the best for their stay.
What a perfect example of religious racial integration.
What a perfect example of religious racial integration.
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