pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

If you've ever owned a cat this will be very familiar!










How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throwaway soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold
cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side to be glued later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with
cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a
drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a
beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to partner's forearm and
remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, so as
to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2
pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to hospital.
Casually, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring
local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.




How to give a dog a pill.


1. Wrap it in bacon.

OllyK

Never owned a cat, but the joke was still very familiar

CrisPDuk

I own two, been there, done that

The trick is to drop them head first down a short length of plastic drain pipe, so that just their heads protrude from the other end

It's the only stuff strong enough to contain those back legs

Leslie

Made me laugh too, remembering those bitter experiences!

Les

ZIPPY

I like it.

My old cat was a knightmare for this, i then bought worming paste, smear it all over the cats chest and feet, sit back with a beer and watch the cat lick itself clean, thus consuming the paste.

To be fair my cat now will eat anything, i normally put the worm pill in a piece of cheese and down it goes 1st time.

Fantom

Amazingly, one of our kittens we got a while ago hurt his leg and we were given some pills to give him. My mum took the pill out of the jar and he just came along and took it out of her hands! We couldn't believe it! He took all the pills like this and didn't cause us any hassle!

Hungrytang

Pure quality...

PMSL

jasey

Memories of two adults and a vet trying to get one cat to have his worming pill .

chris_c201

Brilliant, many a clawed arm from trying to do this!!

VoteConservative!

cats are shirtlifters

SirFozzalot

Spot on, my cat hates pills and I hate trying to get her to swallow pills too!

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

On the same theme:

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their system that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty in July."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

--Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions!)

--Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

--Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

--Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penny.)

--Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun on the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

--Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

--Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out by this time. Drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

--In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

--You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

--But at least now he smells a lot better.

(first time I read this was in the office. I almost gave myself a hernia trying not to laugh out loud)

B-B

excellent