New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Enjoy folks:

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the
custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.It
was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

Coffin Dodger

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Woa, tough audience!!

Thank you, good night!!

scoobydooooo

i hope you are not here all week !!

orbix

My turn, let me have a go!

A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she
wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she
bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started
screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

scoobydooooo

aarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GrahamG

lol like that.

Chip Sengravy

, good stuff!

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

all very good .....i shall be nicking some of them for my ST Saturday Humour © cos you havent copyrighted any of them


nah, only kidding...I wouldnt stoop that low

RMA26

hectic

He DID.. nicked most of 'em off Tommy Cooper and hes been dead for donkeys years!!

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

now that is stooping low

SJ_Skyline

True about Tommy cooper although I'm pretty sure he died before the "Eurostar" or "Batman forever"

Optical Race

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

That's what they want you to believe!!

Next you'll be telling me that Elvis isn't alive and well on Mars!!

Ns04

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

elvis is dead ???


sure I saw him in my local costcutter

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

No, that's Elvira, silly!! The ***** give it away

Thanyouverymuch!

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

la la la la la la cant hear you !!!!!

Abdabz

ns04's opening post =

Mark Miwurdz

It's more like the stuff Jeremy Vine's brother does (can't remember his name) but it's very similar in content.

I saw him at a corporate do a while ago and he is very funny.

Cheers
Kav

mrs bootsy

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Flaps

iTrader: (1)

They are off 'Tim Vine Live'.

Mark Miwurdz

That's the geezer!

hectic

thats why I *used * the word 'MOST'........

richie001

iTrader: (3)

mrs bootsy

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Leslie

Funnily enough I was going to ask you if you had bought the Tommy Cooper Big Fun Book.

The old ones are still the best!

Les

valley commando

iTrader: (1)

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin.police believe Irish muslims have set off the 1st NO MORE NAILS bomb

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)