pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzales?
A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he was almost impeached!


Why do women like hunters?
Three reasons.
They go deep in the bush…
They always shoot twice…
They always eat what they shoot!


Q: What do Polish women and hockey goalies have in common?
A: They both change their pads after 3 periods!


Q: How do you stop a clown from laughing?
A: Hit him in the face with an axe!


The following is an excerpt from the World Women's Conference...

The speaker from England stood up and said, "At last years'conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood and spoke, "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered again.
The third speaker from Ireland narrated: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"


When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized, she was a retard!


Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Well, there are two schools of thought on this topic. Some people say you should **** her, while others suggest dressing her up like an alterboy! Either way works fine!


One day Ed goes over to Bob's house looking for him, but the only one there is Bob's wife.
"Where's Bob?" Ed asks.
"Out at a bar," she tells him, then adds: "I'll tell you which one if you loan me $50 so I can go to the beauty parlor!"
"Well," Ed replies, "that's all I got, but sure, I'll lend you a fifty."
She tells Ed Bob is at O'Malley's.
When Ed gets to O'Malley's, he sees that Bob and the boys have already finished their first round of drinks.
"Buddy boy!" Bob yells to Ed, "you're just in time to buy the boys a round!"
"Sorry, Bob," Ed replies. " I just blew my wad on your wife's face."

There's this guy who's driving home from a party, when all of a sudden he gets really horny. He's driving by a pumpkin patch and remembers how they're supposed to be all wet and squishy inside. He pulls over thinking no one's around, cuts a hole in a pumpkin and proceeds to **** it. He's going at it like crazy, when along comes a cop! She walks up behind him quietly and startles him when she says, "Excuse me sir but do you realize you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He looks her straight in the eyes and shrugs and says, "Holy ****! Is it midnite already?!"

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her *** in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the **** house door off a tuna boat!"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.
His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's steering-wheel hanging from his *****. The bartender takes one look at him and asks: "Hey! Why is there a ship's steering wheel tied to your *****?!"
The Pirate replies: "Arrrgh… It drives me nuts!"

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

A guy goes on a game show where all you have to do is give a four letter word and if the adjudicators can't find a meaning for it in the dictionary and you can place it in a sentence. He is chosen this night and races down to the hotseat where the host introduces him.
"Welcome Bob have you got a word for our panel?"
"Well yes I do - it is GARN!"
"GARN?"
"Yes - GARN!"
"Panel, can we find this word?"
The panel's reply is negative, so the host asks: "Bob, can you place this word into a sentence for us? If you do, you win this beautiful automobile!"
"Sure" Bob replies confidently, "GARN GET ****ED!"
As you can imagine, security 'assist' Bob from the studio and he is consequently banned from the show. Not to be outdone, Bob goes in disguise to a show later that season and of course is chosen to challenge the panel.
"Welcome Ned, how are you?"
"Well, thanks!"
"Have you got a word?"
"I sure do" he exclaims - "SMEE!"
"Was that SMEE, Ned?"
"Yep!"
Again the panel doesn't find the word.
"Can you put the word SMEE into a sentence for us NED?"
"Yep - SMEE again, GARN get ****ed!!!"

A farmer walks into the drug store and says: "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it."
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, cuz my wife's got a bug up her ***, and I aim to kill it!"


Jack Valenti - the president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences - is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to Jack's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
Jack responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
Jack says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot *******?"
"Well, most times you just give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge!"


This is a joke that explains a lot about both Germans and Italians.
During the North African campaign of World War II, an Italian tank and a German tank accidentally collide and the two surprised drivers jump out.
The Italian yells, "I surrender! I surrender!"
So the German shoots him!

Read these sentences out loud to other people:
"I am we todd did."
"I am sofa king we todd did."


Q: Why do Avon saleswomen walk funny?
A: Because of their lip-stick!


THIS JOKE HAS YET TO BE UNDERSTOOD!

Two bee-keepers bump into each other at a bee-keeping convention. The first fella's got a massive suitcase with him, while the second chap's only got this A4 size briefcase.
Second fella: "Got some bees there, friend?"
First fella: "Sure, buddy. 50,000 of the little *******s. How 'bout you? Got many bees in that little briefcase of yours?"
Second fella: "Yup. 150,000 of them!"
First fella: "Aren't they a mite squashed in there?"
Second fella: "**** 'em!"

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ***

This newly married couple walk into a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you you have reservations?" inquires the manager.
"Only one..." says the groom. "She won't take my **** up her ****!"


Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has ****** on the outside!

There's this Polish guy who had a Jewish neighbor. He goes to visit him because he wants to know why the Jews are all so smart.
"We eat a lot of fish," says the Jewish neighbor.
"Can I have some?" asks the Polish man.
"It's gonna cost you $100 a piece," replies the Jewish man.
"If it'll make me smarter, I'm willing to try," says the Polish man.
He eats the fish, but something is troubling him. "You know, a hundred bucks is a lot of money for a fish. I think you screwed me on that deal."
"You see!" replies the neighbor, "it's already working!"


Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer!?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' Then she said, 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said, 'Wanna bet a six-pack?'"


A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for **** sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice **** sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from **** sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The man says to the woman: "can I smell your *****?"
The woman gives him an icy look and replies: "no, you most certainly cannot!"
To which the man replies: "Oh... Then it must be your feet!"

Q: What has four legs and a **** halfway up it's back?
A: A policeman's horse!

A man and wife are in the livestock section at the county fair. They happen upon a stall, where there is a large bull. Upon reading the sign posted by the stall, the wife exclaims: "Look here dear! It says this bull mated 365 times last year! That's once per day! I think you need to take some lessons from this bull."
To which her husband replied: "Go ask the farmer if all 365 times were with the same cow."


Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a hole?
A: Stick a javelin through its wee, soft head!

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing Into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"**** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."


Bernie goes to a friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, precedes every request to his wife with terms of endearment, calling her "Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin..." etc.
Bernie looks at Morris and remarks: "It's really nice that, after all these years, you still call your wife by those corny pet names."
Morris hangs his head and whispers:" To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

The pope is on his way to Las Vegas. While boarding the plane, a stewardess says: "Hello Mr. Presley, it is a pleasure to see you!"
The pope replies: "Sorry my child, but I'm not Elvis!"
Later, as the Pope arrives and gets into his limo, the driver says: "Good evening Mr. Presley!"
The pope replies: "My son, I am not Elvis!"
So even later, as he's checking into the hotel, the clerk says: "Good evening Mr. Presley! We have your suite all ready for you, and the usual - 2 beautiful women - are waiting for you!"
To which the Pope replies: "Thank you… thank you very much."

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Hey, I want a shot of 15 year old scotch, and don't give me any of that cheap **** either, cuz I can tell the difference."
The bartender decides to test him and pours a shot of 3 y/o scotch. The guy drinks it and says, "I told you I wanted 15 y/o scotch, not this 3 y/o stuff. Try again."
Amazed, the bartended pours the 15 y/o scotch. The guy drinks his shot and says, "That's what I wanted, thank you!"
A drunk at the end of the bar, who was intrigued by the guy's knowledge, walks up and gives the guy a drink. The guy takes a sip and and spits it out exclaiming, "That tastes like ****!"
The drunk replies, "Any dumb-*** would know that. I want you to tell me how old I am!"


These two blokes were standing on a cliff. One had a budgie on his shoulder and the other had a parrot on his. The first guy jumps off the cliff and the budgie flies away. The second guy stares down at the bottom of the cliffs and sees his friend lying there broken and in excruiating pain. Then he follows and as he jumps the parrot flies away and he pulls a gun from his jacket and shoots at the parrot just before he too crashes to the bottom of the cliffs.
As they lay there the first bloke looks at his friend and says, "I don't care what they say I don't care at all for this budgie jumping."
To which the second replies, "I know what you mean. I don't care much for that free fall parrot shooting either."


Two nuns are riding their bicycles down an old Paris street when one nun says to the other: "I've never come this way before!"
"Yeah, me neither!" replies the other nun, breathlessly. "I think it's the cobblestones!"

Q: Why are married chicks always heavier than single chicks?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

Did you hear about the worker in a furniture factory who slipped, fell and drowned in a vat of varnish?
He had a horrible end but a beautiful finish!

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?
A: You can get a drink out of a coconut.

Did you know that the word "vegetarian" is actually an old Native American word?
Yeah, it's Cherokee for bad hunter!

Q: How did the blond get lipstick on her steering wheel?
A: She tried to blow the horn!

Did ya hear bout the asthmatic lesbian? She could only breathe in snatches!

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their ***** fall over their ********, leading to vapor-lock!

This guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of whisky. As soon as the bartender pours the whisky the guy starts slamming all five shots down. The bar tender says "Wow! You really slammed those down!"
To which the guy replies: "Well, if you had what I have, you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bar tender.
"About fifty cents!"

There is a powerful emperor who needs a new head Samurai, so he puts the word out. A year passes and on the same day, three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. He flicks his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaims, "That is very impressive!"
He then asks the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. So this second Samurai also opens a match box, releasing a fly. He flicks his sword twice, and the fly drops dead on the ground, in four pieces.
"Amazing!" exclaims the emperor, turning to the Jewish Samurai. "And what can you do?"
The Jewish Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. He flashes his sword in an intricate flourish, filling the room with a wooshing wind from the speed of his blade. Then he puts down the blade, but the fly is still buzzing around!
The emperor, disappointed, asks: "After all that fuss, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiles and says: "Circumcision is not intended to kill, Emperor-san."


Q: What does a blonde say after she's had multiple orgasms?
A: "Way to go, Team!"

Bob goes to a public restroom and sees this armless guy just standing there. "Hey, buddy. Can you help me out?" the guy asks.
Bob, being a kind soul, agrees. He pulls out the guy's pecker, and is horrified to see that it's covered in red bumps, purple rashes, leathery moles, oozing scabs, and assorted scars. To top it all off, it smells worse than a dead cat's vagina.
Gagging, Bob points this rotten pecker towards the urinal, and the armless man pisses out a chunky stream of steaming reddish ****.
"Hey buddy," the armless man says when he's done, "wouldja mind shaking it for me?"
Bob gives the putrid **** a shake, noticing with disgust the bits of skin, puss and blood that fall off while he does so. The armless guy lets out a huge sigh of relief and thanks Bob for his efforts.
Bob replies: "No problem, man, but what the hell is wrong with your *****?"
So the guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says: "I'm not sure, exactly. But I sure as hell ain't touchin'it!"

Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A: So you can floss after you're finished eating!


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice: "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied: "I work for the IRS!"


A psychiatrist is holding a group workshop with three young mothers and their children.
"You all have obsessions," he tells them. To the first one, he says: "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy!"
The second, he says, is obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny!"
At this point, the third mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand, and whispers: "Let's go, Peter..."


Q: Why was the blonde staring intensely at the fruit-juice container?
A: Because the carton said "Concentrate!"

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says: "where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my *****."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your *****?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

jods

Sorry - I tried but couldn't find even one to raise a flicker of a smile in that lot.

sti-04!!

**** off ... i was chuckling at all of them.

jods

Clearly you have the sense of humour that Dawn French relies on.

Talking of which here is a related joke.

What do you call a dog that has had a spade up its **** ?

sti-04!!

Dawn is a friend of mines .... what you trying to say ??

I dont know ??