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Old 14 December 2006, 07:29 AM
  #1  
chocolate_o_brian
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Default whats the best ever...

whats the best ever post on scoobynet, in your opinions...

serious answers please, can be funny, politically correct/incorrect, anything really.

just looking for some pure enuis from members

andy

p.s. for the record, my personal fave, i have just read... about the squirrel and the grasshopper.
Old 14 December 2006, 08:12 AM
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Tripple'O G
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g/f is too kinky....that had me in tears
Old 14 December 2006, 08:17 AM
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Amen Corner's "exterminate" post springs to mind, as does Karl227's "polished apples" one, though with the latter you really need to know the person he's taking the mickey out of
Old 14 December 2006, 08:47 AM
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Has to be either the moles or the girlfriend's too kinky threads.

John.
Old 14 December 2006, 08:53 AM
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jasey
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Stampede - Norman D Landing. .

Actually - there was one thread that almost had me in tears.

Someone had posted a thread asking for some help as they couldn't access their e-mail system.

A helpful mod asked the poster to e-mail him with the details.

The original poster replied with "I would - but my e-mail isn't working"


Last edited by jasey; 14 December 2006 at 08:56 AM.
Old 14 December 2006, 09:00 AM
  #6  
pslewis
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Well, it's Xmas - so I guess I am allowed to highlight one of mine?

This had me in tears while I was writing it

https://www.scoobynet.com/scoobynet-...-stories.html?
Old 14 December 2006, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Tripple'O G
g/f is too kinky....that had me in tears
Agreed, pure class...

last night I think things went a bit too far! She decided to give me a few wacks with her school cane while I was *ahem* a bit tied up except she wacked me really hard about 6 times even when I asked her not too! It really hurt and I've got huge welts on my ar*se!
Old 14 December 2006, 09:02 AM
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sti-04!!
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Originally Posted by Tripple'O G
g/f is too kinky....that had me in tears
Gets my vote
Old 14 December 2006, 09:02 AM
  #9  
MattW
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The mole threads. No argument!
Old 14 December 2006, 09:15 AM
  #10  
TelBoy
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Originally Posted by Duck_Pond
Amen Corner's "exterminate" post springs to mind, as does Karl227's "polished apples" one, though with the latter you really need to know the person he's taking the mickey out of

Move along.


I am STILL absolutely staggered at how funny some people found the g/f too kinky thread. It was complete crap from start to finish, apart from some bloke who accidentally left his picture file unsecured. Do these same people laugh at Jeremy Beadle on television or something? I'm completely bemused.

The best single post was undoubtedly Amen Corner's "exterminate" post, but that's partly a result of knowing him i think.

Apart from that one, the visit to the garden centre in the moles thread is pure writing genius. Come back Makalu
Old 14 December 2006, 09:18 AM
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Stampede all the time closely followed by hunting horses
Old 14 December 2006, 09:20 AM
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TelBoy
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Which particular post, Dave? Post it up.
Old 14 December 2006, 09:28 AM
  #13  
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Trucker Ted posted this link the other day.

YouTube - guitar

11 million views.
Old 14 December 2006, 09:30 AM
  #14  
TelBoy
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A link is the best ever post on Scoobynet, Paul??
Old 14 December 2006, 09:34 AM
  #15  
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Anyone remember Capacious Nadgers ?


https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...t-problem.html

Sorry Tel, I know its a link and all, but it is a link to the orginal thread on SN
Old 14 December 2006, 09:40 AM
  #16  
JTaylor
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https://www.scoobynet.com/3727411-post17.html
Old 14 December 2006, 09:43 AM
  #17  
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Norman D Landing's Stampede and the Hunting horses are the two classics for me
Old 14 December 2006, 09:47 AM
  #18  
MattW
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Originally Posted by Makalu
After reading some of the comments from my last "Mole Update", I have decided to try a more covert style operation. I now have 14 holes.

Seeing EvilKoyotes note about the use of Strychnine, I decided that poisoned worm kebabs is the way forward. Unsure where to get Strychnine from, I went to my local chemist and asked for 'something to poison moles with'. The assistant, apart from looking at me very suspiciously, suggested I went to a garden center. I told her that I had already tried that route and that I had taken advice (from Scoobynet - but I didnt tell her that bit!!!) that poison was the best remedy for the situation. I asked her for her recomendation on what to use and she explained that a chemist was 'usually used to dispense products that save lives, not kill poor defenceless animals'. She clearly did not share my predicament and I probably made things worse when I said that these 'defenceless' little buggers had already cost me over £70 quid, had ruined my perfectly flat lawn and had now moved into the flower bed and laid siege to my Wife's favourite hosta's and begonia's. She wasn't impressed and said that she did not think she could help me as I needed a 'Strych 3' form from DEFRA in Bristol in order to buy the stuff. She then completely ignored me and went on to discuss some old ladies yeast problem with a district nurse who happened to be in the shop at the same time. I left.

Back to the garden center for some professional advise. My local garden center has an 'advise desk' where spotty little oiks lurk around at weekends pretending to know about green things (but who couldnt really tell the difference between a daisy and a stealth bomber). Sometimes, if your lucky, there is an old guy who works there and I have spoken to him before - he seems to know his stuff (his latin is particularly impressive and usually renders all normal plant names useless from twenty paces) and it was his wisdom I sought (a bit like Jason and the Argonauts seeking out the three blind old witches with only one eye between them - or was that Perseus? Not sure) Anyway, I finally catch up with this old guy who is drinking his tea perched on a large blue glazed pot near the Azalia's (currently on offer - 2 for the price of 1 at the moment if anyone's interested). Funny how old gardeners all wear the same clothes isnt it? Wellys, blue shirt with rolled up sleeves, braces and MOLESKIN TROUSERS! A good sign - if he can kill enough moles to make trousers then surely I will have enough to clothe him in a matching sports jacket and tie!! (assuming this poison idea works)

Conversation kinda goes like this...

"Hi. I wonder if you can help me?" I enquire... As usual for garden center staff, he looks me up and down with little interest and decides straight away that I'm an idiot but, as its his tea break, he'll humour me.

"Elp Ya?" he says (gardners all talk the same too dont they?)

I tell him about the Mole(s) and my failed attempts (which make him laugh and me feel like a prat) and then I tell him about my plans to slip poison into their worm pie without them noticing anything's amiss. ("Does this worm taste a little off to you dear?") He looks at me like Im a Osama Bin Poisonin but notices the desperation in my eyes and eventually decides to help.

"Best way to get rid o' the bu66ers is gig 'em oot" he says.

"Yeah I know - but I have a big area to cover and would probably need a JCB to dig it all up" I reply.

"If yer gonna poison 'em, need Striknin" he says - "but you gotta 'ave a loicence before you can buy it. Makes 'em have convulshuns see, curl up an doi they do" He says... "Arsenic works too mind - and not so harsh on cats and dogs that eat it by mistake" he says. "They simply doi quieter"... I couldnt help but snigger at this point...

"Got anything I can buy?" I ask...

"ooh no," he curses, "Ya cant sell that stuff 'ere," he says "there'd be dead gardnin foke all o'wer the county" he says. (Not such a bad Idea I thought present company included) "Did you know there's a song about Mole catching? he says...

At this point, with visions of Dick Van Dyke bouncing around a garden center, I decide its time to leave the silly old sod to his cup of tea and seek alternative advice. He was clearly a lunatic.

Later that afternoon, after two more failed attempts at getting common sense out of Garden center staff elsewhere, I decide to try the Internet. A quick search on Yahoo and Google reveals that Im not alone in trying to get rid of the pesky little sods. Pages and pages of clever ideas are available but nothing guarantees a result nor compares to last weekends antics in terms of sheer imagination. General concensus seems to be (in no particular order of certainty) 1. Dig em out 2.Trap them 3.Poison them 4.Smoke em out. Having tried 2 and 4, I have to give number 3. a go leaving number 1 as a last resort as I simply dont have the energy left!

I rummage through the garage to find whatever terrible concoctions I can find - White Spirit, Drain Cleaner and 3 in 1 multipurpose oil are about as evil as I can find. I try the cupboard under the sink... Thick Domestos, window cleaner and Mr. Sheen. Desperate for results, I decide to use all of them.

The drain cleaner is quite impressive stuff. With my pink marigolds hoisted up my arm as far as they will go I pour out some of the stuff into a large old jug (99% sulphuric Acid it says on the bottle). To this I slowly add the white spirit and 3 in 1 - mixing very gently as I go. It starts hissing and spitting... a good sign. Never seen a witches brew that didnt hiss and spit. Next goes the Mr Sheen, Window Cleaner and Domestos. The bleach comes out quicker than expected and quickly drowns the mixture. It smells foul. Moles might love it! This'll teach the little sods...

Next - the worms. I need to catch some big juicy worms to inject this smouldering concoction in to (No - it really is smouldering too! Looks like a nightcap for Frankenstein). Now never having been a fisherman, Im not accustomed to catching worms but I have heard that if you sprinkle water on the ground and pretend to sound like rain you can attract them to the surface. Armed with a full Watering can I wet an area of soil holding the can up high on a pair of steps so the water falls on the ground harder and thus sounds like real rain. (Whilst doing this I noticed the neighbours pointing at me and smiling from an upstairs window while I was up the ladder. Pah, they can laugh - wait til they find the dead goldfish in their recently fumigated pond...)

Nothing happens. No Worms. More water is needed I think so I get the hosepipe (which is now 8 feet shorter after last weekends offensive) which I tie to the steps pointing upwards and turn on the tap. Have a cup of tea and a ciggy whilst waiting for the ground to saturate. When I go back to the wet area, lo and behold - worms - dozens of the bloody things after turning just a spadefull or two of soil. We're in business. I collect about 30 of the largest worms and put them in a sealed jar for safekeeping along with some soil for them to .... well, what ever it is that they do with it (eat,crap,eat,crap,eat,crap - no wonder there are so many worms!). I take them back to garage and, one at a time, inject them with about 20cc's of the concoction using an old syringe (I kicked the habit now officer!). Its funny watching the worms try to swallow 20cc's of anything as they blow up like a balloon or a condom at a stag do. With many pumped up to almost bursting point now, I swiftly take the worm coloured ping pong ***** back out in to the garden and start dropping them into the mole hills and their tunnels below. My Wife - bemused as always - watches from the kitchen window. She doesnt understand...
Anyway, confident of results, I retire for the evening.

Sunday morning bright and early and off we go to take a look to see whats happened.
.
.
.
.
Nothing.


Out of desperation I decide to dig up one of the more recent hills. Inside the hill, I find some of the very dead earth worms still pumped up like small balloons. It is clear that the tunnels have been used by the moles a lot as they are well trodden. I decide to follow one of the tunnels with my spade, digging it up as I go until eventually I reach another Mole hill and... low and behold - what looks like a den or burrow underneath it and off to one side. Inside this den are several more earthworm carcasses and the strangest looking - and so far the only - (dead) mole I have ever seen. To start with I thought it was a baby badger - Its head is kind of fair or blond, not black as you would expect. Then it dawns on me - the mole must have tried a worm balloon and when it had bitten into it, the pressure must have exploded the secret potion in the moles face leaving Sulphuric acid and bleach all over its head (hence the whiteish fur) So Whady'a know - I got one after all!!

I couldnt find any more. Maybe, just maybe this was the only one. I am keeping an eye open for new holes having now flattened the previous 14.

Cat brought home a sparrow with a white head yesterday.

Mak.
Part of the mole thread
Old 14 December 2006, 09:48 AM
  #19  
paulr
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Originally Posted by pslewis
Well, it's Xmas - so I guess I am allowed to highlight one of mine?

This had me in tears while I was writing it

https://www.scoobynet.com/scoobynet-...-stories.html?

That is class !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....a green blob thread for sure!!!!!
Old 14 December 2006, 09:50 AM
  #20  
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Exclamation

Originally Posted by TelBoy
A link is the best ever post on Scoobynet, Paul??
The rest of the post was boring. I just cut to the chase.
Old 14 December 2006, 09:53 AM
  #21  
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https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...de#post1175581
Old 14 December 2006, 09:56 AM
  #22  
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And for Tel...

Driving to work this morning and came to a spot where at least once a week I have to wait whilst a farmer walks his herd of cows either to or from the milking shed along about 500 yards of road.

Predictably there they were, bunch of dopey looking fat ba$t4rds idling their way along with the farmer driving a small tractor behin them keeping them moving.

Then it happened, 2 or 3 cows had gone past my car when once moo-ing son of a heiffer stood looking at my bonnet directly in front of the car and decides to jump up !!!!

The stupid cud chewing freezer full of steaks-to-be put both front legs up and totally ferked my bonnet!!!

I was the only car waiting at the time and there was nothing behind me so fearing that the flea infested, 6 titted f*ckwit was going for all 4 legs I panicked, rammed it in reverse and shot backwards !

Well next thing, the dozey fat big dopey eyed **** sprayer falls flat on it's chest with it's legs sprawled out in front of it and didnt get up. I get out of the car to check my bonnet (predictably dented and scratched) when the farmer comes running along screaming at me about how I've intentionally injured his cow.

The cow is still on the floor looking like something .......well........stupid, and breathing quite heavily. Farmer Joe tells me he's going to report me, I tell him to **** off and think himself luckty that I didnt slam it in first and finish the job!!


He rants that the cow will have to be put down and I'm going to be billed for the price of the cow and the vet's time, I tell him that I'm reporting him to the police for blocking a public highway and NEVER cleaning up all the **** afterwards !

He goes mental and starts threatening me so I got back in the car. He walks along to the car and yet again I panic, I hit the horn and flashed the lights at the rest of the herd and they all go ballistic and this is where the stampede starts, luckily they all turn and leg it the other way, god knows what would have happened if the bunch of mangy, **** covered reekers had run in my direction. I reversed back to a junction, turned round and went a different way to work with Farmer Joe running after his brainless chums.

I haven't done anything about it yet apart from book the car in for a look at the damage and get a quote.

Does anybody know where I stand legally here ?? Is the farmer entitled to block the road every day ? Are they insured ?

Help ?

Funniest Post ever - I think so
Old 14 December 2006, 09:59 AM
  #23  
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Not that any of you appreciate them but I feel that many of my informative, thought provoking posts will be prime candidates for best of all time.
Old 14 December 2006, 10:08 AM
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Saying that though, J4CKO has come out with some corkers. Cant really recall one specific but the one where he was crawling around down a man hole or something rings a bell.
Old 14 December 2006, 10:11 AM
  #25  
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I quite liked J4CKO's crap ghost thread too
Old 14 December 2006, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by paulr
Trucker Ted posted this link the other day.

YouTube - guitar

11 million views.
HOLY ****!!

Give that lad a job!!

FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC!!!
Old 14 December 2006, 01:58 PM
  #27  
jasey
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Originally Posted by pslewis
HOLY ****!!

Give that lad a job!!

FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC!!!
He's the 15 year old Brother of one of the guys in the office.

He wants to be a doctor when he grows up .
Old 14 December 2006, 02:39 PM
  #28  
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Originally Posted by jasey
He's the 15 year old Brother of one of the guys in the office.

He wants to be a doctor when he grows up .
You work in Korea do you?

Web Guitar Wizard Revealed at Last - New York Times
Old 14 December 2006, 02:44 PM
  #29  
jasey
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Originally Posted by Critical Bill
**** in the office has gone very red .
Old 14 December 2006, 03:06 PM
  #30  
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Without question it was SN wives!!

Until some Killjoy had it vaped!!

Ns04


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