RMA26

Come on then, who has some fresh ones?

davegtt

You start a thread about jokes and dont contribute?

Always makes me smile this ever since I heard it when I was about 10.

What do you call a camel with three humps?









Humpthree (Humphry)

Sorry

RMA26

Oh dear...........

Two cannibals eating a Clown & one turns to the other & says

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Felix.

Patient - 'Dr Dr, it hurts when I do this'



Dr - 'Well don't do it'


class

SPEN555

Japanese Performance Car Dealers In Keighley

Rex93

useful advice:

There is a moral to every story!!!

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock,and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

lozgti

Blonde goes to Doctor

Blonde "Doctor I'm in pain all over,it hurts when I touch my knee like this,ow,my head,ouch,my nose,ouch,my arm like so,ouch ouch"


Doctor " you've broken your finger"

RMA26

Indeed

lightning101

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions
Girl: OK
Medic: What's your name?
Girl: Sharon?
Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
Sharon: Yes
Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
Sharon: Romford, mate

RMA26

David Lock

From one of the Sunday's

Bob Monkhouse "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - they're not laughing now"

===========

A cowboy walks into a bar, looks around, and orders a whisky. "Where is everyone?", he asks.

"Gone to Brownpaper Pete's hanging" says the barman

"Why's he called Brownpaper Pete?"

"Well" says the barman "His hat's made of brown paper, his jacket's made of brown paper and his leggings are made from brown paper"

"So what are they hanging him for?"





"Rustling"

============

Les Dawson. "I took the wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though"

Paul3446

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

HPLovecraft

Ok you might have heard this b4:


Q: How does a welsman find a sheep in tall grass ??

A: Irresistible!

Paul3446

'So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".'

'So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".'

'So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind
me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".'

'Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's bisatchel.'

'But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.'

'Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.'

'So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.'

'So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".'

'You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.'

'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Do you get my drift?".'

'So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".'

'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for
a-ROMATIC duck".'

'But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.'

'Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it will
give birth to a litter of twiglets.'


'So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".'

'Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.'

'So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".'

'So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster". '

lozgti

love the Kasparov

RMA26

'So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.'

Paul3446

'So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".'

Is my personal favourite!

Paul3446

From Swiss Tony:

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First
of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

PPPRob

Blinding Paul, absolutely blinding

Loving the darts one, just didn't see that coming at all

Optical Race

Here's a couple, probs old tho but funny none the less

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 pence."
"One pence?!", exclaimed the man.
"Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 pence," the bartender replied.
"Four pence?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
"The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?





well endowed

RMA26

Rex93

not a joke as such but,

Dickens Cider - The juiciest most delicious apples from Dickens - on Bore Me Rigid

you need the volume up a bit!

davegtt

I got a good joke















Sociopath

RMA26

& davegtt

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

PMSL, best one ive heard for ages dave

davegtt

Thanks, seriously though this is one you'll like

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Paul3446

> A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of
> the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events
> over a couple of beers. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our
> wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected
> to...um...you know.... do it"
>
> Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and
> see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning
> over breakfast to discuss what went on.
>
> Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss
> our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our
> new wives sat with us."
>
> No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we
> order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it"
> offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
>
> The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a
> bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can
> barely stagger across the room to their tables.
>
> The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his "Hello, I'll have
> the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The
> other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
> toast to his fantastic prowess.
>
> The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too
> shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
> toast"
>
> The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full
> English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath
>
> "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit
> whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at
> him in disbelief at the thought how raw his old chap must be.
>
> "Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an
> awful lot"
> "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."
> She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave,
> the groom calls after her again.
>
> "And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?"

staffs Mike

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

are they worth reading?