Terzo 333

I'm getting married next year on St Patrick's day

I know its shallow but I'd like a good Irish joke or statement for my speech that makes reference either to :

a) St Patrick's Day
b) Getting married on St Patrick's day
c) all of the above
d) or just a good old fashioned joke about the Irish

If there's any Irish reading this please don't take offence, I'm just after a cheap laugh to set the speach off with

Matt

David Lock

Said in Irish accent of course...

As me dear old dad Patrick said "Never forget son, marriage is not a word; it's a sentence"

Not the main joke but I heard it on "Quote/Unquote" and thought it might come in handy

You could add "And looking around toady I can see that most of you agree with my old dad........"

But if it's on St Patrick's day you're not going to remember it anyway

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

They al laugh a little bit at the joke and then in uproar as your car explodes in the car park !

nickwrxstiV2

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe!'

DEEDEE

Irish Joke


Jacques Chirac, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the
entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000
men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's
farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased
my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back
to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac,
the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have
modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to
ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off
the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints
of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

Terzo 333

Very good

But if I told there there'd be no time left for the speech

hades

Englishman, Irishman and scotsman were in archeology class discussing the advancement of technology in their countries in years past.

Englishman says "We were examining this dig in London, 300 years old, and we found copper cabling between houses. Our scientists confirm that this is evidence that the English had basic telephone equipment well before Bell officially invented it"

Scotsman says "That's nothing, we're much more advanced. We were examining this dig in Glasgow, 300 years old, and we found glass tubing between houses. Our scientists confirm that this is primitive fibre-optic equipment, and that the Scots had basic fibre-optic communications well before it was officially invented"

Irishman says "Ah, that's nothing. We were examining this dig in Dublin, 300 years old, and we found no cabling between the houses. Our scientists confirm this is because we must have all been using mobiles"

SiPie

Paddy and Mick are the only passengers in a small plane flying home to Cork when the pilot suddenly dies of a heart attack.

Ooh ****, what we gonna do now Paddy says Mick.

The control tower comes over the radio……..

Don’t worry guys, we’ll guide you down to the area of the landing strip but it’s really foggy today over Cork so you’ll need to do the final approach yourself. Oh and the runway is seriously short, so as soon as you hit the runway you’ve got to slam the brakes on…. Ok?

Sure says Paddy. Got ya….

Right, you keep your eyes open for the feckin runway Mick and I’ll do the flyin bit..

There it is, there it is says Mick, left a bit, right a bit etc etc

Paddy slams the brakes on and they skid to within an inch of the end of the tarmac.

Pheeew we’re alive says Mick, and that runway was seriously short…













Aye, but look how feckin wide it is

bmac800

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.Paddy says "my feet are freezing mate could you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"."No problem" says Murphy and runs upstairs.There are Paddys two stunning 18 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds."Hello girls your dad sent me up here to **** you both"."F**k off you liar" they say."I'll prove it" says Murphy.So he shouts down the stairs "both of them Paddy?"."Of course both of them whats the use of f**king one.

Bit rough for a wedding but funny though

RMA26

Paddy & Murphy walking down a road when Paddy falls down a man hole

Murphy - "Paddy is it dark down there"

Paddy - "I dunno, i can't f'kin see"

RMA26

Paddy & Murphy walking through the jungle, they see a man being eaten by a crocodile

Murphy turns to Paddy & says

“Look at that posh **** in his Lacoste sleeping bag”

RMA26

Paddy & Murphy get jobs working for the border patrol in Ireland, One day they stop an Audi Quattro with 5 men in it

Paddy (to the driver) “ Step out of the car please “

Driver “OK”

Murphy “Do you know why we’ve stopped you?”

Driver “No?”

Paddy “Well, there’s five of you!”

Driver “I know?”

Murphy “Well you cant have five men in a four man car”

Driver “Four Man car?”

Paddy “Yes, Quattro means four & there’s five of you”

Driver “Where’s your boss?”

Murphy “Over there with the two guys in the Fiat Uno!”

douglasb

Paddy is going off to a labouring job in England and as he'll be gone for 3 months he buys a vibrator for his wife. After a couple of weeks, he phones her to find out how she's doing.

"And how are ye, Mary?"
"Oh, I'm fine, Paddy."
"And the kids?"
"Oh, they're grand, Paddy."

A bit of a pause and

"How are ye getting on with that vibrator?"
"Oh, not so good, Paddy. It's knocked six of me teeth out!"

speed demoness

what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk at the wake.

*********
this next one is more of a toast...

St. Patrick was a gentleman who through strategy and stealth drove all the snakes from Ireland heres a toasting to his health. But not too many toastings lest you loose yourself and then forget the good St. Patrick and see all those snakes again.

**********************************

As the Irishman said to William Wallace in "Braveheart" -- " The Lord said he can get me outof this one, but he's pretty sure you're f*cked."

*************************

There are a few sites out there tho... just gOogle IRISH JOKES!

Kyl3cook

My favourite Irishman joke.

An Englishman, Irishman and an American are on top of the empire state building. All three are completely drunk and off their heads. The American says 'Did you know that there are special winds around the top of the empire state building? and if you jump off, they will carry you around for 10 seconds and land you exactly where you started'. The Irishman immediately tells him that he's talking rubbish, so the American says 'I'll prove it then'...so sure enough, he jumps off the top, and these magical winds carry him around for 10 seconds and he lands back where he started. The Irishman is amazed by this, and wants a go himself. So he leaps off the top, and plummets all the way down to his death. At which point the Englishman says, 'Superman, you really are an idiot when you're pissed!!'

r32

Irish guy reckons the best invention in the world is the thermos flask, asked why he said it keeps cold things cold and it keeps hot things hot....
But how does it know?

Gav

Paddy and Murphy are sat on a park bench. Paddy says to Murphy, look at that beautiful forest over there. Murphy say's where, them trees are in the way

Very old i know...

RB5-107

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

"**** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,

"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and falls down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"**** dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!"

David Lock

And then there were an Englishman, a Japanese and an Irishman playing golf. On the 3rd hole a mobile rings and the Englishman walks off the green talking into a mouthpiece. "Wonderful technology - don't even have to carry a mobile" he says.

On the 5th green the Japanese man's phone rings and he walks off talking into his hand. "Wonderwull technology - I have implant in my hand, no need for molile"

On the last green the Irishman's phone rings and he wanders off into the bushes. They find him in bushes with his trousers down in a squat position. "Be with you in a minute fellas - just waiting for a fax"

David Lock

Murphy leans over his garden fence where Paddy is digging the 3rd of 3 holes.

"Top of the morning Paddy what are you up to?"

"Well hello Murphy - well you see my poor old dog died and I am just burying her in the garden" say Paddy

"Sorry to hear that, but why 3 holes?" asks Murphy

"Well the first 2 weren't big enough" says Paddy

webby v7 slipperwagon

iTrader: (2)

Paddy goes for a job at the local college, as the interview comes to a close. The interviewer says to paddy youv'e done really well and i just want you to put a word i give you into a sentance. Ok fine says paddy, whats the word. Contageous............paddy looks blank, mmmmmmm says paddy. Well here you are. Me and my mate mick were on a building site, when the forman came over and said paddy iv'e had to sack mick, jesus why i said. Well paddy he said, i sent him to dig a small hole and the "C**ttookages"

webby v7 slipperwagon

iTrader: (2)

Paddy and mick are sitting at the top of the hill, when paddy turns to mick and says you see those two fine houses down there, yes replies mick. Well says paddy mines the one in the middle.

j-k

what do you call a dsylexic(sp) irish rapper?????


DUFF PADDY...

Bat-Fink

LOL!

dbmica

paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. As they pass the local nick they see a sign in the window that says "two Polish immigrants wanted for rape" Paddy turns and says to Murphy " those fooking conting immigrants get all the best jobs the bstards"

Dr.No

The classic St Patrick's Day joke:

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with me and my son Pancake."

F1 CJE UK

iTrader: (8)

speedymonkey

David Lock

Which reminds me of Paddy's sister-in-law who had just given birth to twins. Sadly Paddy's brother couldn't attend the birth and so Paddy had to name the twins to go on the register.

Anyway Paddy's brother arrives late and Paddy explains about the names. What did you name them asks his brother.

Well I called the little darling girl "Denise". Well that's a fine name, well done Paddy. And so what did you call my new little lad?

Well I called him Denephew of course

Terzo 333

Think that one may find its way into my speech