Jokes
18 July 2006, 04:29 PM
#3
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A young woman was in a shop buying loads of food, and she notices a young male assistant. He has such a cute **** that it makes the woman horny as hell. Once she has paid for her goods, she asks him to help carry her stuff to her car.
On the way she cant hold back anymore and says
"Ive got an itchypussy"
He replies,
"you will have to point it out, all these japanese cars look the same"
On the way she cant hold back anymore and says
"Ive got an itchypussy"
He replies,
"you will have to point it out, all these japanese cars look the same"
18 July 2006, 04:47 PM
#4
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These are not very PC at all, most will offend. You have my apologies for that;
How can you tell if it's your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers, if you've got a d1ck it isn't your turn.
***
A little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
***
What do you call an elephant with a spade?
Dawn French
***
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!
***
An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"
***
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
"OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
"CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FVCK!" shouts the voice...
***
How do you get a granny to shout "Cvnt!"?
Get another one to shout "Bingo".
***
What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids
***
Whats the fleshy part around a vagina called?
Who gives a fvck?!
***
What would Martin Luther King be if he was white?
Alive.
***
Why did Helen Keller drive her car off a cliff?
Because she's a woman.
***
If a motorcyclist runs over a woman, who's to blame?
The motorcyclist - he shouldn't have been riding around in the kitchen!
***
Whats red & yellow and looks good on hippies?
Fire
***
What should you do if you find a ***** in your armour?
Tell him to fvck off.
***
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
***
Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the fvck should we fix it? We never use it!
***
This guy is walking alone near the pier when he spots a girl, with no arms and no legs, sitting in her wheelchair crying.
Curious, he walks up to her. "What's the matter?" he says. The girl looks up at him and says "I'm almost 25 and I've never been on a date." Feeling sorry for her, he decides to ask her out. SHe says yes and they go out and have a pretty good time.
The next week he is walking alone near the pier again and he sees the woman, again crying near the edge of the pier. "What's wrong now?" he says to her. "I'm almost 25 and I've never been kissed." she replies back. He thinks "well, she's not too bad looking... I'll give her a kiss." So he does so and this makes her happy.
The NEXT week our philanthropist is again walking out near the pier when he sees the woman AGAIN crying in her wheelchair.. near the edge of the pier. With a heavy heart, he walks up to her. "What's wroung NOW?" Through her tears she says "Well, I'm almost 25 and I've never been fvcked." So the man grabs her wheelchair by the handles and pushes her off the edge of the pier and says "NOW you're fvcked!"
***
Two terrorist women in long arabic dresses, one turns to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"
***
What was Princess Diana's favourite brand of shampoo
"Head & Shoulders" they know because they found hers on the dashboard.
***
What is so great about ******** twenty five year olds?
There's twenty of them.
***
Mark Curry on Blue Peter gets pulled up before the controller for masturbating on a disabled african woman live on air.
"But i thought i was to use a sticky black spastic" he whines...
***
Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?
A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.
***
Did you hear the Kurt Cobain blues song?
"Didn't wake up this mornin'..."
***
What the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hang a Painting.
***
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe......
***
What do 1000 abused women have in common?
They just don't fvcking listen!
***
So a guy goes to the pharmacy, And he says 'I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter'.
The pharmacist is shocked: 'Your daughter is sexually active at age 11??'
and the guy says 'nah, she just lies there like her mother'
***
In the south of America an old english sheep dog has been found tied to a burning cross.
sources say the Dulux clan have claimed responsibility
***
What's green and eats nuts
Syphilis
***
What's got 6 legs and a cvnt halfway up it's back?
A police horse.
***
Q - What's got eight legs and a black cvnt?
A - The A Team
***
Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.
***
What do you call a midget in a tumble dryer?
Fvcking funny!
***
Michael Jackson, Saddam Hussein and the Pope in a plane
The plane is about to crash, and the Pope starts praying for God to save the children
'Fvck the children' says Saddam
To which Michael Jackson replies:
'Do we have time?'
***
Doctor rushes up to nervous young father-to-be.
Doc: 'Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have good news, and bad news.'
Mr Smith: 'Crikey, better give me the bad news first.'
Doc: 'I'm afraid your baby son is ginger.'
Mr Smith: 'So what's the good news?'
Doc: 'He's dead.'
***
Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the table, and says "Put me up for the night."
***
Q: Whats black and screams?
A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron
***
Man goes to the doctors..
Doctor says, "I'm afraid i have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer."
Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?"
Doc replies, "Well you also have Alzheimers disease."
"Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."
***
A baby seal walks into a club...
***
A young, heavily pregnant Irish lass is involved in a car crash and is put into a coma. When she wakes up several weeks later, she discovers that she has given birth.
"What happened to my baby?" she asks a nurse.
"Well, miss, you had a boy and a girl, and your brother Seamus is looking after them for you. We didn't know how long you'd be out, so he named them for you."
"But Seamus is a d1ckhead! What did he call them?" the girl asks.
"He called the girl Denise".
"Thats not too bad," the girl says, "what did he call the boy?"
"Denephew."
***
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom when his mother is in the shower.
"Mummy mummy! What's that between your legs?"
"Umm ... that's where daddy hit me with an axe."
"Ooooo! Right in the cvnt!"
***
How can you tell if it's your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers, if you've got a d1ck it isn't your turn.
***
A little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
***
What do you call an elephant with a spade?
Dawn French
***
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!
***
An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"
***
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
"OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
"CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FVCK!" shouts the voice...
***
How do you get a granny to shout "Cvnt!"?
Get another one to shout "Bingo".
***
What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids
***
Whats the fleshy part around a vagina called?
Who gives a fvck?!
***
What would Martin Luther King be if he was white?
Alive.
***
Why did Helen Keller drive her car off a cliff?
Because she's a woman.
***
If a motorcyclist runs over a woman, who's to blame?
The motorcyclist - he shouldn't have been riding around in the kitchen!
***
Whats red & yellow and looks good on hippies?
Fire
***
What should you do if you find a ***** in your armour?
Tell him to fvck off.
***
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
***
Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the fvck should we fix it? We never use it!
***
This guy is walking alone near the pier when he spots a girl, with no arms and no legs, sitting in her wheelchair crying.
Curious, he walks up to her. "What's the matter?" he says. The girl looks up at him and says "I'm almost 25 and I've never been on a date." Feeling sorry for her, he decides to ask her out. SHe says yes and they go out and have a pretty good time.
The next week he is walking alone near the pier again and he sees the woman, again crying near the edge of the pier. "What's wrong now?" he says to her. "I'm almost 25 and I've never been kissed." she replies back. He thinks "well, she's not too bad looking... I'll give her a kiss." So he does so and this makes her happy.
The NEXT week our philanthropist is again walking out near the pier when he sees the woman AGAIN crying in her wheelchair.. near the edge of the pier. With a heavy heart, he walks up to her. "What's wroung NOW?" Through her tears she says "Well, I'm almost 25 and I've never been fvcked." So the man grabs her wheelchair by the handles and pushes her off the edge of the pier and says "NOW you're fvcked!"
***
Two terrorist women in long arabic dresses, one turns to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"
***
What was Princess Diana's favourite brand of shampoo
"Head & Shoulders" they know because they found hers on the dashboard.
***
What is so great about ******** twenty five year olds?
There's twenty of them.
***
Mark Curry on Blue Peter gets pulled up before the controller for masturbating on a disabled african woman live on air.
"But i thought i was to use a sticky black spastic" he whines...
***
Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?
A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.
***
Did you hear the Kurt Cobain blues song?
"Didn't wake up this mornin'..."
***
What the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hang a Painting.
***
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe......
***
What do 1000 abused women have in common?
They just don't fvcking listen!
***
So a guy goes to the pharmacy, And he says 'I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter'.
The pharmacist is shocked: 'Your daughter is sexually active at age 11??'
and the guy says 'nah, she just lies there like her mother'
***
In the south of America an old english sheep dog has been found tied to a burning cross.
sources say the Dulux clan have claimed responsibility
***
What's green and eats nuts
Syphilis
***
What's got 6 legs and a cvnt halfway up it's back?
A police horse.
***
Q - What's got eight legs and a black cvnt?
A - The A Team
***
Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.
***
What do you call a midget in a tumble dryer?
Fvcking funny!
***
Michael Jackson, Saddam Hussein and the Pope in a plane
The plane is about to crash, and the Pope starts praying for God to save the children
'Fvck the children' says Saddam
To which Michael Jackson replies:
'Do we have time?'
***
Doctor rushes up to nervous young father-to-be.
Doc: 'Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have good news, and bad news.'
Mr Smith: 'Crikey, better give me the bad news first.'
Doc: 'I'm afraid your baby son is ginger.'
Mr Smith: 'So what's the good news?'
Doc: 'He's dead.'
***
Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the table, and says "Put me up for the night."
***
Q: Whats black and screams?
A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron
***
Man goes to the doctors..
Doctor says, "I'm afraid i have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer."
Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?"
Doc replies, "Well you also have Alzheimers disease."
"Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."
***
A baby seal walks into a club...
***
A young, heavily pregnant Irish lass is involved in a car crash and is put into a coma. When she wakes up several weeks later, she discovers that she has given birth.
"What happened to my baby?" she asks a nurse.
"Well, miss, you had a boy and a girl, and your brother Seamus is looking after them for you. We didn't know how long you'd be out, so he named them for you."
"But Seamus is a d1ckhead! What did he call them?" the girl asks.
"He called the girl Denise".
"Thats not too bad," the girl says, "what did he call the boy?"
"Denephew."
***
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom when his mother is in the shower.
"Mummy mummy! What's that between your legs?"
"Umm ... that's where daddy hit me with an axe."
"Ooooo! Right in the cvnt!"
***
Last edited by JPL; 18 July 2006 at 05:05 PM.
18 July 2006, 05:42 PM
#7
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: www.aroundthesouth.co.uk
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what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes
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nothing you havent all ready told her twice
sorry ladies
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nothing you havent all ready told her twice
sorry ladies
Trending Topics
19 July 2006, 10:01 AM
#13
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: RIP mum 01/01/07
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Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag line .........
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - just do it
KFC Condoms - finger licking good
Abbey National Condoms - cause lifes complicated enough
Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim.
Heineken Condoms - reaches the parts that others cant reach
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - just do it
KFC Condoms - finger licking good
Abbey National Condoms - cause lifes complicated enough
Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim.
Heineken Condoms - reaches the parts that others cant reach
19 July 2006, 12:24 PM
#16
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Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Weston Super Mare, Somerset.
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Speaking of jokes and condoms......
A Scottish Regimental Sergeant Major walks into Boots. He carefully removes a condom from his sporren and asks "Do you sell these?" Answer, Yes. Next question "Do you repair these?" Answer, Yes.
The Sergeant says thanks for that and leaves the shop.
The next week he walks back in, draws his breath and says "OK, The Regiment have decided to have a new one"
A Scottish Regimental Sergeant Major walks into Boots. He carefully removes a condom from his sporren and asks "Do you sell these?" Answer, Yes. Next question "Do you repair these?" Answer, Yes.
The Sergeant says thanks for that and leaves the shop.
The next week he walks back in, draws his breath and says "OK, The Regiment have decided to have a new one"
19 July 2006, 03:30 PM
#17
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: The bastids wrote it off!
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Seeing as you appreciated my first lot.... 
More offense, and more apologies from me, I don't agree with them... but they're fvcking funny!!
I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke:
Q: What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
A: Throw in your washing.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".
Well we both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said
"He choked on a sock".
***
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ***. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
***
St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator.
A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou'
'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you'
'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou'
'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there'
'Am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please'
'You can't be a good muslim, how?'
'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time'
St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?'
The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, am giving twenty pounds to the children in need'
St. Peter considers him for a second, and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here'
So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani, and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you, and it's all sorted.'
... 'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fvck Off'.
***
A paedophile goes for a walk one day and sees a little girl crying by the edge of a cliff
he says 'little girl why are you crying'?
She says 'I just came out of the car for a wee and it rolled off the edge and my whole family were in it, and now they're all dead'
'Well' says the peadophile as he unzips his fly, 'it's not your lucky day is it'
***
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to get her brother to come help, one to get me a beer, and the other to suck my ****.
***
Q: Why do women have children?
A: Because it HURTS and they DESERVE IT !!
***
A woman died and went to heaven, where she was given a set of wings.
"And my halo?" she demanded of St Peter.
"Sorry luv, but you don't get one of those until you've been here 10 years!"
The woman scanned the angels ahead of her, and suddenly she noticed something. Pointing she said "So how come Princess Diana has one then?"
St Pete whispered "Thats the steering wheel!"
***
A black baby dies and goes to heaven
God gives it wings
"Am I an angel?", asks the baby
"No, you're a bat. now fvck off!"
***
Ian Brady says to the prison guard.....
..."I'm p1ssed off, I haven't had a holiday in years!!!!"
To which the guard says :
"Come off it Brady, a few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had 3 days up there, all those wide open spaces and fresh clean air!".
To which Brady replies :
"Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet!"
***
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a p1ss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!"
"No" she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a **** instead."
***
This beautiful blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love doggie style, could that be causing it?"
The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve?"
She said, "I can't, that's the only way my dog knows how to fvck."
***
What's got one ball and fvcks women?
Peter Sutcliffe's hammer...
***
What would it take to reunite 'The Beatles'?
A few bullets.
***
Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono
***
Little Johnny finds a welder's mask, and spends the whole day wearing it, seeing the world through green glass. Eventually, he runs into a man in a dirty old mac.
"Hello little boy, do you know what ******** are?"
"No."
"Do you know what a paedophile is?"
"No."
"Have you ever been spit-roasted?"
"Look mister," says Johnny removing the mask, "I'm not really a welder you know."
***
An old Chinese man walks into a bar, up to the black bartender and says "Give me a trigger, nig*er!"
The bartender is a bit offended but pours the man his drink anyway. A few minutes later, the Chinese man finishes his drink, walks up to the bar, and again says "Give me a trigger, nig*er!"
The bartender is getting a little mad, but lets it slide. The Chinese man finishes off his third drink, and walks up to the bar, but before he can order, the black man says, "Please don't call me a nig*er again, it's offensive."
The Chinese man just laughs and says "Give me a trigger, nig*er!" which infuriates the bartender. "Okay," he says, "that's it, let's trade places and see how you like it!"
The Chinese man agrees, and the black man walks out of the bar, and back in, to where the Chinese man is standing behind the bar. He says to the Chinese man, "Give me a drink, *****" to which the Chinese man replies
"I'm sorry - we don't serve nig*ers here."
***
What's the difference between a Homo and a Hobo?
A Hobo has no friends, a Homo has friends coming out of his ar$e!
***
The other day I saw a young lad with no arms and no legs at the bus stop.
I said 'Alright - how are you getting on?"
***
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
***
Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Ooh, I don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers up her, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you saying it to your dad"
***
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.
'Fvcking get in there you cvnt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fvcking manager of this pigs **** middle class w4nk hole please
you cvnt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.
'Yes you can you fat piece of sh1it, I saw your poxy advert in the cvnting
window and I'm here to audition.....w4nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries...
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j1zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cvnts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W4nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'fvck it' says the pianist, 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him;
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging
out of your trousers, and spvnk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I fvcking wrote it !!!'
***
More offense, and more apologies from me, I don't agree with them... but they're fvcking funny!!
I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke:
Q: What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
A: Throw in your washing.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".
Well we both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said
"He choked on a sock".
***
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ***. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
***
St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator.
A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou'
'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you'
'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou'
'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there'
'Am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please'
'You can't be a good muslim, how?'
'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time'
St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?'
The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, am giving twenty pounds to the children in need'
St. Peter considers him for a second, and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here'
So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani, and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you, and it's all sorted.'
... 'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fvck Off'.
***
A paedophile goes for a walk one day and sees a little girl crying by the edge of a cliff
he says 'little girl why are you crying'?
She says 'I just came out of the car for a wee and it rolled off the edge and my whole family were in it, and now they're all dead'
'Well' says the peadophile as he unzips his fly, 'it's not your lucky day is it'
***
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to get her brother to come help, one to get me a beer, and the other to suck my ****.
***
Q: Why do women have children?
A: Because it HURTS and they DESERVE IT !!
***
A woman died and went to heaven, where she was given a set of wings.
"And my halo?" she demanded of St Peter.
"Sorry luv, but you don't get one of those until you've been here 10 years!"
The woman scanned the angels ahead of her, and suddenly she noticed something. Pointing she said "So how come Princess Diana has one then?"
St Pete whispered "Thats the steering wheel!"
***
A black baby dies and goes to heaven
God gives it wings
"Am I an angel?", asks the baby
"No, you're a bat. now fvck off!"
***
Ian Brady says to the prison guard.....
..."I'm p1ssed off, I haven't had a holiday in years!!!!"
To which the guard says :
"Come off it Brady, a few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had 3 days up there, all those wide open spaces and fresh clean air!".
To which Brady replies :
"Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet!"
***
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a p1ss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!"
"No" she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a **** instead."
***
This beautiful blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love doggie style, could that be causing it?"
The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve?"
She said, "I can't, that's the only way my dog knows how to fvck."
***
What's got one ball and fvcks women?
Peter Sutcliffe's hammer...
***
What would it take to reunite 'The Beatles'?
A few bullets.
***
Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono
***
Little Johnny finds a welder's mask, and spends the whole day wearing it, seeing the world through green glass. Eventually, he runs into a man in a dirty old mac.
"Hello little boy, do you know what ******** are?"
"No."
"Do you know what a paedophile is?"
"No."
"Have you ever been spit-roasted?"
"Look mister," says Johnny removing the mask, "I'm not really a welder you know."
***
An old Chinese man walks into a bar, up to the black bartender and says "Give me a trigger, nig*er!"
The bartender is a bit offended but pours the man his drink anyway. A few minutes later, the Chinese man finishes his drink, walks up to the bar, and again says "Give me a trigger, nig*er!"
The bartender is getting a little mad, but lets it slide. The Chinese man finishes off his third drink, and walks up to the bar, but before he can order, the black man says, "Please don't call me a nig*er again, it's offensive."
The Chinese man just laughs and says "Give me a trigger, nig*er!" which infuriates the bartender. "Okay," he says, "that's it, let's trade places and see how you like it!"
The Chinese man agrees, and the black man walks out of the bar, and back in, to where the Chinese man is standing behind the bar. He says to the Chinese man, "Give me a drink, *****" to which the Chinese man replies
"I'm sorry - we don't serve nig*ers here."
***
What's the difference between a Homo and a Hobo?
A Hobo has no friends, a Homo has friends coming out of his ar$e!
***
The other day I saw a young lad with no arms and no legs at the bus stop.
I said 'Alright - how are you getting on?"
***
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
***
Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Ooh, I don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers up her, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you saying it to your dad"
***
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.
'Fvcking get in there you cvnt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fvcking manager of this pigs **** middle class w4nk hole please
you cvnt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.
'Yes you can you fat piece of sh1it, I saw your poxy advert in the cvnting
window and I'm here to audition.....w4nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries...
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j1zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cvnts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W4nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'fvck it' says the pianist, 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him;
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging
out of your trousers, and spvnk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I fvcking wrote it !!!'
***
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