jods

Hi Guys,

Throwing this question out for a concensus (sp) opinion.

Background :

Step daughter is 13 yrs old
Her Boyfriend is 16 yrs old

Step D said a few weeks back that she is going to wait till she is 14 before she "does anything" with her boyfriend (she is 14 in less than a month)

Her mum (my wife) has spoken with her and is worried sick that her daughter believes herself to be ready for s&x with BF

I am on TILT at this point.

I clarify that - legally that is statutory rape and he WOULD be up in court cos I WOULD report both of them.

It went quiet for a few weeks

We went out for a couple of hours this evening leaving daughter with instructions to be in bed by 9.30pm after finishing homework.

We get back at 10.30pm to see BF riding away on push-iron
daughter legs it up stairs - dives into bed and turns light off (pretty redundant action when your bedroom is front facing)

After I collared him, he said "I was dropping off a scientific calculator"

Mum talks to her and the story is - "we were just talking"

It has been a constant erosion of limits that have been set.

This evening was clear. Go out after school, have fun. Be home for tea at 6pm. Do 30 mins!! schoolwork

at 7.00 - go out with friends but be back for 9pm - do 30 mins schoolwork

9.30 - go to bed

TURNS out

She did f all homework and had her BF here till 10.30

Not sure if I am more pissed off with her for being THICK or taking the Fecking ****

chrisola

kids will play... and anything they do that annoys you.. well they will do it more. Or even LIE about doing it just to wind you up!

In my humble opinion, id sit down and try and 'understand' her and what she might or might not do 'stuff wise'. The more you fight over it, the more likely she is to do something stupid out of anger and then it'll be 100x times worse in the long run.

Personally, id sit BOTH of them down (with her mother aswell), and make it clear that she shouldnt be worrying about sex just yet, and should concentrate on having fun and getting through school.

Also make damn sure to promote safety and contraception to them both, at the end of the day you cant stop them doing anything, and its better to ensure they at least do it safely!!!

Growing up is about making choices and dealing with the consequences.. and with hormones going nuts its guidance and support they both need, not just out and out 'you will do this!' discipline.

Thats my final thought :P

StudentScooby

FEDS

Trout

iTrader: (1)

I'm with Chrisola on this one. Hey, when we were teenagers we never wanted to do thing that our parents thought might not be the best thing for us.

The bottom line is he may well have been dropping off a calculator - or they might have been messing about. Who knows?

You need to find a fine line between being clear about what you would like and protecting her from pregnancy. I am sure that a pregnant 14 year old is a far worse situation than a responsibly sexual 14 year old.

Certainly in the south of England a significant proportion of girls become sexually active at 14. Trying to argue with reality will simply cause more pain all around.

Good luck with your challenge - and to think a friend of mine has FIVE teenage daughters - God's revenge for being a man!

KiwiGTI

You need to arrange for the boyfriend to tour the local prison and afterwards put on some gay **** for him. Should get the message.

Trout

iTrader: (1)

The old 1p and 2p trick.

It will be the size of a 1p piece when you go in and within a week it will be the size of a 2p piece....if you catch my drift.

If they are both at school together, regularly dating with two year age difference a prosecution is unlikely in real life.

EVOLUTION

a transit van, SAS mask, tank full of diesel and a rope......


with those tools and some clever thinking, i reckon you could even convince the BF that he is in fact gay, and to leaver her well allone.


on a more serious note though mate, i have no idea where you would even start, i know what i would be doing if i was her, and thats being the rebel teenagers usualy are. That makes it an even more difficult situation.....


I have learnt one thing from your situation though, and im off to get the snip tomorrow...


sorry to make light of the situation, i really do hope you get it sorted



john

Brit_in_Japan

I have to say I'm also with Chrisola. Much as father's would like their little girls to stay little girls forever, there will come a time when they want to spread their wings, so to speak. The challenge is working out when you think they are responsible enough to make such important decisions about their own body and trying to educate them so that they are equipped to make such a decision. At 13, even if for just a few more weeks, she should realise there is no rush, no need to react to peer pressue (or especially any pressure from said boyfriend).

Tell her that you trust her to make the right decision, but she must tell her mother everything, no secrets. She will find it easier to talk to her mother about such things and then your wife can tell you.

Good luck.

//Slydai\\

Tell the BF in no uncertain terms that if he lays one finger on yr D that you will break both his legs

Scoob99

iTrader: (1)

tell him if he values his life, not to lay a hand on your daughter, also ground her for not doing has she is told, good luck.
Cheers
Colin

Trout

iTrader: (1)

I don't want to be contrary - however for all of those who are advising to give the boyfriend a good talking too let me ask you this one question - how many of you would give a rats **** what your girlfriend's dad said when you were sixteen?

Making teenagers do anything is like pushing water uphill...

...supporting them in what they may or may not want to do can be far more successful. Simply remember back to when we were all teenagers...and if you can't just think of Harry Enfield's Kevin or watch a few episodes of Hollyoaks (pre-watershed child **** if ever there was any!).

Find a way of working with your daughter not against her. Being angry and controlling is all about you and yet the outcome you want is all about her.

ScoobyAddict

Sympathise...got two of a similar age & one slightly younger!

I'd still ground her personally, they've gotta comply with SOME rules & your 'homework regime' etc. sounds pretty fair & tolerant to me, she's just taking the p*ss now, pushing the boundaries etc.

I'd let her know, (calmly but firmly!) that the 9.30 curfew is NOT to be broken or abused & if she doesn't comply with THIS, an important thing, she'll begin to find she's enjoying a lot less leeway on other things too!

And have a chat with her about the bf issue & just what it IS she is planning on getting up to when she DOES turn 14, no choice really but try & keep it 'friendly' or you'll just alienate her & force her to start REALLY 'going behind your back' etc.

Best of British luck!
(Thank gawd my lot have horses, so most of their evenings etc. are taken up with them, or their various martial arts classes, so have cleverly managed to avoid any 'permanent' boyfriends so far! LOL)

billythekid

13 years old. At this age she should very much still be considered a child, and as such needs protecting as a child. I would advise that if your "words" dont work then you need to speak to her school and the police.

People saying "kids will be kids" is all fair enough, but IMVHO you have a duty to protect her.

KiwiGTI

I would have, but then again I had respect for adults and a brain.

Awd Chaddy

I agree broadly with Chrisola but if you are going to speak with the bf it might be worth trying to involve his parents as well otherwise any attempt to coerce the lad could result in aggrevation from his parents - which is probably the last thing you want!

I also agree with Billythe Kid that if the talking doesn't work you need to consider involving the school and, if necessary, the police.

One final point, you may have to consider your own actions. If you go out with the wife for a drink until 10.30pm leaving the sd on her own, you are making it too easy for the lass a) to not do her homework and b) to spend too much time with her bf alone in the house. Perhaps you have to consider moderating your moves, or at least getting someone (a friend?) to sit in the house?

OllyK

You're suggesting showing gay **** to a minor, are you f**king nuts?

Trout

iTrader: (1)

Maiow!

I am glad that you had such a responsible, balanced and mature childhood. I am sure that many people do and I am sure that many teenagers are still finding their feet and want to make their own mark as individuals.

Wanting to do your own thing at sixteen is not about respect or intelligence it is a normal part of development. For adults this can easily be mistaken as rebellion. My experience tells me that many teenagers can be respectful and display intelligence - typically when adults treat them with intelligence and respect.

When adults give them a good talking to then I suggest they typically respond in kind.

OllyK

www.chastity-belts.co.uk is what you need.

Also IIRC, statutory rape only applies up to 13, from 14 it's considered that a bloke could genuinely be mistaken about the girls age and so it becomes a grey area for the court to ajudicate upon.

Make absolutely sure the BF knows that 16 is the age of sexual concent and that the SD is 13, having sex with her before she is 16 could well lead to prison term for him.

Jonathan Davies

and the gay **** idea is clever is it? asking for it with that sort of statement...

Seems to me that jods' regime is fairly authoritarian - 13 year old in bed by 9.30? I'm not really surprised that she's basically taking no notice. I don't really think scaring her or b/f is going to achieve much long-term either, or even short term.

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

At 13 she is still a child - immature and needs guidence. It seems she is not ready to have resposibility for the run of the house whilst the pair of you are out.

Reality

Tell her if she gets preggers she'll ruin her life - but you'll still love her.

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

Him being 16 and her 13 is wrong! he's obviously cant get close to girls his own age so is preying on younger ones. I'd put the little **** straight on the matter. you may not be popular with your daughter for a while but in the long run it's for the best. 13/14 is too young for her to be having sex... or maybe I'm old fashioned but I'd do everything in my power to stop her having to enter the adult world too early.

pete1977

Wow,some mega **** parents on here!The victorian father route does not work with todays teenagers.Im pretty much in agreement with what chrisola has said.I know of a girl i was at school with who was in a similar situation as your stepdaughter,her father tried to come down heavy on her ,then she disappeared.She was 15 yrs old,just about to turn 16.Her father eventually tracked her down with the use of private detectives ,which took 8 years!!At which point the woman told him in no uncertain terms to "**** off".
I dont envy you in your situation ,its a hard one,but you,ve really got to tread carefully.I would suggest beating up a 16 yr old boy is the last move you want to make.

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

15 almost 16 is a world away from 13/14 IMHO.

//Slydai\\

Could give her some space but only let her see him supervised at yr house

SJ_Skyline

Not sure if someone already mentioned this but how about having a word with his parents?

Trout

iTrader: (1)

Hello boys

Girls are getting older younger - padded bras and thongs for pre-teens are this week's controversy. But how do we foster a mature attitude to sex, asks Marina Cantacuzino

Wednesday April 17, 2002
The Guardian

Acknowledging that your child is turning into a sexual being is, for parents, one of the greatest challenges of adolescence - especially when it seems to come so fast on the heels of childhood. I recently made a few dismal attempts at offering sex education tips to my 12-year-old daughter ("sex should be special," "virginity is a precious thing," that sort of thing) - and all because that four-letter word, "boys", has entered her vocabulary.

Article continues
Like many parents, I've been taken unawares by the sudden onset of adolescence and am frankly aghast at the overt sexual behaviour of some of her peers. So much has changed since I was a teenager: back then, 14 was the age when the first girls in my class lost their virginity, while 16 was more normal and 17 or 18 the average. There has been a steady downward trend in the age of first sexual intercourse since the 1950s, when the average age was 21. Now it is 16 and, according to a survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles published last year, 30% of young men and 26% of young women report having sex before the age of 16.

A condition aptly named "precocious puberty" is one related factor: girls are becoming sexually mature younger. A hundred years ago, menstruation started at 15; today, the average age is 12. But, just as significantly, even pre-pubescent girls are encouraged to think of themselves as sexual beings. Pre-teens dress like Kylie, Mylene and Co in crop tops and hipster jeans. And now the high-street chain Argos has just launched a new lingerie line for girls, the Tammy range includes padded bras and thongs - for nine-year-olds.

If girls are having sex earlier than ever before, it can't help that we have no statutory requirement for sex education in schools to tackle the emotional aspect of sex and relationships. According to Simon Blake, director of the Sex Education Forum, "We know that if sex education meets certain criteria, it delays sexual activity but, unfortunately, adequate sex education in schools is very patchy. Mostly, it's too little, too late - and too biological."

Blake blames the high rate of teenage pregnancies less on our imperfect sex education than on British attitudes towards sex, drawing comparison with the Netherlands which has the lowest teenage conception rate of developed countries. "Although their sex education is similar to ours, they don't have the tabloid press or our smutty culture. They're very grown-up about sex and don't believe that telling a five-year-old that people have sex and enjoy it is going to hurt them," he says.

It seems a topical controversy. In the US, a book about children's sexuality, Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children From Sex (University of Minnesota Press), is already causing a storm, ahead of next month's publication. Its author Judith Levine argues that young Americans, though bombarded with sexual images from the media, are often deprived of realistic advice about sex. This heresy has been enough to provoke a campaign of vilification from commentators, activists and parents.

Jane Stanley, a freelance PR consultant from south London, agrees that you can't underestimate media pressure. She believes that girls like her 12-year-old daughter Millie are in danger of skipping a process of maturation: "Their behaviour is that of 16- and 17-year-olds - and they look like it, too - but they don't have the chance to find out what to think and feel about things."

She describes her daughter's social life as junior-league clubbing - ticket-only events for 12-16 year olds which, while well supervised, encourage young girls to dress up and wear make-up, in other words to rush forward to embrace a culture they're not mature enough to understand. "Millie is a little girl but looks sexually mature when dressed up. To some people, that's sexually seductive and might illicit a response from those people you'd least want to be interested in your child."

Dr John Coleman, director of the Trust for the Study of Adolescence and author of Sex and Your Teenager, believes some parents of teenagers today need to change their attitudes about teenage sex and drug use because society has changed. He acknowledges, though, that having sex too young can be both damaging to a child and distressing to the parent. "If a parent is deeply upset by their daughter already being sexually active at the age of 12 or 13, there's no point in locking the bedroom door. What's important is to tell her how you feel: in other words, say that you think it's far too young, but if they're going to do it, you're going to help them do it safely."

This is precisely the conclusion Stanley has arrived at. "If I felt Millie was about to have sex, I wouldn't give her a packet of condoms because that would be endorsing it, but I'd make damn sure she knows how to get hold of one. But I really hope she doesn't start yet. I was 16 when I first had sex and, by that age, I'd expect her to have reached a state of emotional maturity where she could take responsibility for her own decisions."

Judging from my conversation with six girls aged 12 and 13, it would appear that girls like Millie are only a step away from having sex. These girls seem confident and strong, and are proud to be asked about their sexuality. They inhabit a world where there is abundant discussion of sex, and the way they articulate their feelings suggests how much they've been raised on "soap" culture. They may not say it outright, but being sexually active is clearly considered cool.

All but one has kissed a boy, but none has yet lost their virginity. Significantly, only one enjoys snogging, though all aim to get better at it. Even at 12, these girls are being called "frigid" by boys who aren't getting what they want. Tara, 13, says she was at a party when a boy opened his flies and presented himself for a blow job. She told him to get lost. "I'd have bitten it," shrieks her friend, still in that twilight zone of finding sex both fascinating and disgusting.

At an age when the peer group is suddenly much more important than the family, it's not easy for parents. "Communication is the most important thing to focus on," says Dr Coleman. "Teenagers want to know their parents are concerned about them. If you can get that right, you've won half the battle." Stanley tries to keep the channels of communication open with her daughter, but at times despairs. "I'm doing my best, but I wish Millie was more comfortable discussing sex with me. I worry that I make it more difficult for her."

The girls I spoke to are well aware that, even though they're underage, condoms and pregnancy tests can be bought at most chemists - and now from Tesco's, too. They all know other girls their age who have lost their virginity; none apparently regretting it. Those girls they know who have had early experiences of sex are, they say, the ones least able to talk to their parents. Studies have consistently born this out, showing that the more parents talk and express their concerns, the more likely the child is to delay having sex.

But the pressure is intense: the girls claim to be constantly fending off boys. Some have repeatedly been asked for sex. "My answer is 'When I'm old enough'," declares Scarlet, the most assertive of the group, who wants to wait until 16, but suspects it'll probably be more like 14.

Tara is the most sexually aware of the group. "My mum can't believe I fancy boys already and tells me to take contraception because she's not looking after the consequences," she says. She confesses that she'd much rather her mother was like other mothers, anxious about their daughters becoming sexually active too young. "But at least," declares Tara, "it makes me more determined not to turn into the person my mum expects me to become."

EddScott

Sticky situation that for me is a long way off thank god (my daughter is only 4 so got a few years plan of attack)

Personally, I would love to put the ****s up the lad and make sure he never came within an inch of my daughter again. However, if you directly oppose her and make things worse by threatening the police, your very likely to lose her altogether and she'll spend the next few years taking on ****tier boyfriends just to wind you up - its what kids do.

Without question ground her for breaking the curfew rules and homework rules. If she kicks off point out that you could be making thinks alot harder for her bearing in mind she knows your not happy with the BF situation but your not prepared to argue with her about the BF. Your concern is for her general safety hence being home early and her education hence the homework rule.

You might find if you take the focus away from the BF thing, you will show her that you do want her safe but the BF thing is down to her and her alone.

The idea is to take away the "I'll get them back for trying to stop me doing what I want" feeling she might feel at crunch time and go through with something she may otherwise have thought twice about.

Make her come to you (probably mother but you know what I mean) about it. If she wants to talk make sure she knows shes not going to get a fight out of trying to approach you.

Like I say, I'd love to grip the little ****** up and point out that he knows my daughter is under age and if her tries to stick anything anywhere near my daughter I will cut his *** off and feed it to him. However, fighting her will make more resolved to push the bondaries. Act like its not that important to you and the decision becomes more hers.

When the lad then dumps her after getting/not getting what he wanted you can then use the "He only wanted one thing" speech and then point out that although you didn't want to get involved - you did try to tell her and maybe she could have a go at listening to parents who have been there and done that (This way you also don't appear hypocritical because at 16 I'm sure a few of us did a few things with girls in and around our age)

Good luck mate.

falkster

My worst nightmare but I have been the b/f in the situation before. I would do exactly what my ex girlfriends dad did.

He was gushing in front of the family and would fetch me drinks and let me go out with them for dinner etc but when we were on our own (after the mum/daughter convo) he grabbed me with his shovel hands and told me if I tried anything on with his angel he would snap me in half.

She was all for doing the deed at 14/15 but I was not having any of it and couldnt tell her because his act infront of the family was so good and no-one would believe me.

Cracking idea.

KiwiGTI

Another person incapable of detecting subtle (or not so in this case) humour.

Ever heard of a program called Scared Straight?