paul-s

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars
are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for
you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little ******* in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a ***? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch
that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest
of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to
the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's
right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?"

island991

kingofturds

iTrader: (1)

rr_ww

Damn Straight

PG

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest
of the pub doesn't know that.

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

21/24 Not bad.

But I also sharpen pencils with the bench grinder

kingofturds

iTrader: (1)

25 a mans right to take a cup of tea and a copy of autotrader to the toilet and spend an hour on the throne

Hashashin

How about something original like… err!... understanding the Scots when their in the flow, or helping the Welsh and their excessive sputum count, or perhaps Irish for giving most of their land to the Dutch. I being German laugh at your funny quirky English ways. BUT DON’T MENTION THE WAR!!!!

Instead of a cut and paste job?

SCOsazOBY

And now from a womans point of view

ROFPMSL i gotta agree with a lot of the original ones
You just cant get better then a man with power tools that winks at you

Apparition

Well apart from Number 3 and Number 9 , all the rest apply to me so that sort of blows this theory out of the window... unless I start to get my grand kids to call me Grandad instead of grandma !

Yve ..... hee hee

Apparition

Oh , and I do the above generally because its easier to just get on with it than wait for his nibs to get onto it !
Yve

SJ_Skyline

- Pressing down the wastepaper in the bin with your foot (Like your grandad used to do)

Foot_Tapper

brilliant !!

mad_dr

I actually did number 23 a few years ago after a skateboarding accident. First day back at sixth form to begin my second year of A-Levels and my form tutor asks "So, what did you get up to during the holidays"... My reply: "Not a lot. I had a brain haemorrhage, which was interesting..."

He didn't believe me until I showed him a 6" scar up the back of my head.

I did have a 4 week break from my part-time job during that time though as I couldn't balance properly, but was fighting fit to go back to school on time... Great...