DrEvil

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris".
He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me
to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are
you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small
suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out
and a couple of seconds later they come alight
again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said
"OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He
said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the
fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my
drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I
want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps
in it", He said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck
came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes
sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for a-ROMATIC duck".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs
in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter
of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your
house and talk about cleaning your carpets?". I
thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's
witness".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to
report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you
again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two
hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me
of a pepper-pot" I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are
witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with
two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a
train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a
turtle disaster"

Nimbus

ROTFLMAO

Literally LOL at some of those

BobaFett

hmm...

BarryK

A ship full of red paint collided with a ship full of blue paint.

Both crews were marooned.

Bloke walks into a butchers and asks "have you got a sheep's head?"

And the butcher says "no it's just the way I part me hair".

Bloke walks into a bar and takes out a miniature piano and a small guy to play it.
Oh, no I can't tell that here...... (courtesy Krusty the Clown).

Geezer goes to buy a new raincoat. Assistant asks "would you like a belt on the back" and geezer replies "would you like a punch in the face?"

[Edited by BarryK - 10/17/2001 12:09:28 PM]

KimA

Funny

SWRTWannabe

Bloke walks into a pub and a voice from nowhere says "That's a nice coat you're wearing". Barman points to the snacks on the bar
"It's them", he says, "they're complimentary"

And that's one of my better ones... ;-)

dsmith

And Barry thinks *I* want shooting

Crapaud62

LOL

Dream Weaver

Bloke walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm, and says to the barman "I'll have a pint, and one for the road".

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Blind man walks into a bar.....ouch

DW